Editor’s Note: describes boundary pushing and crossing by clients.
As sex workers, we deal with a lot of different kinds of clients. Some are sweet and nice, but others force us to cut contact or set harder boundaries.
Learning to set and enforce hard boundaries isn't always easy. Here is what I have learnt about my own.
Starting small
Many people (including my younger self) struggle with setting boundaries, and though situations are not always in our control, knowing how can make you feel comfortable and safe. This can take a lot of inner work, which you can do on your own, or (sometimes) with a therapist. If you have a hard time with setting boundaries, start as small as you can handle and work your way up!
Finding boundaries and community
Depending on whether you work in person or online, these experiences can look different—I've experienced both. When I worked in an erotic café, I dealt with some touchy clients as well as ones who ran off to avoid paying tips. It was hard setting physical boundaries, and sometimes even if I did, they weren’t always respected. This happened to me more than once, and it was complicated because sometimes the clients were friends with my boss, meaning I could only trust the friends I made at the café to have my back. It's important to create community among sex worker peers, because they know the job and its struggles better than anyone. And it's also vital to work on defining your boundaries and learning how to communicate them clearly.
“I don’t do anything for free”
Since I focused my dynamics on in-person BDSM sessions and online services, I've faced different struggles with clients and subs: fake transfer receipts, hostility, bargaining, unsolicited pics, and much more. For example, a few days ago I was doing an anonymous Q&A and a client asked if he could take me on a date. I said of course, but explained he still would have to pay for my time because it was a kind of service. He kept sending anonymous messages complaining about how it wouldn't feel spontaneous if he had to pay. I responded that “I would not do it for free but that didn't mean I wasn't gonna be less genuine, and also that this is my job!” This is how I support myself financially, so I can't just go around giving freebies (I may throw a discount here and there, but I don’t do anything for free, because they'll always want more).
Red flags
About a month or two ago, I was texting with a sub I've known for approximately four years—we'd had our ups and downs but I genuinely cared for him—and he was suggesting we changed the dynamic because he wanted to try and be more dominant. Since we had built trust and it was only virtual, I was open to trying some things (even though I'm not much of a sub). However things started to get twisted because what he was really interested in was humiliating me. That’s a hard no, especially because of the type of humiliation he wanted to practice, which included things like commenting about my body, my habits, and my nationality. I felt really upset about this situation and explained to him how it made me feel. After we talked, I still felt weird. He then went and asked me for a video, and when I told him the price he said that he could get it cheaper from other girls. This upset me even more. For me, comparing prices and bargaining are out of the question, so I decided to cut contact with him because I felt he wasn't respecting my work or value, and it was damaging my mental health. I really think that a sub or client who negatively compares you with other sex workers, and doesn't respect your value and time, is best to give up on.
Mental health and income
Not everyone has the opportunity to look after their mental health in their job, in this job or others because capitalism is not designed to care about us. I don't always have this privilege either, but in cases like this I choose to prioritise it even if it means much less income. I can't really work well if I'm feeling disrespected, or depressed because of how someone's treating me, especially where they are trying to manipulate me by threatening to go somewhere cheaper. Keep an eye out for this kind of behaviour; you set your prices, not them.
I think working on our self-esteem, our capacity to set boundaries, and saying no is important. This inner work looks different for everyone but for me, the strategy was fake-it-till-you-make-it and just learning with each client. Being a dominatrix has given me a lot of confidence even with the smallest things: how I walk, how I stand, how I talk, how I deal with conflict, etc. It's important that you find your own way of working on these things–making you a more confident dom/worker. These things can also improve your personal life. They worked for me.
For more articles on boundaries, see Sex work and Boundaries and
What's Your Real Name?
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
