Sex workers are not stereotypically known for their healthy romantic relationships. Each time I tell a client or a non-sex worker I have a partner, I always get asked the same question: “Oh, does he know?!” It feels like a valid question, and for me, it’s a question I am willing to answer. It’s true that not all sex workers are or can be honest or open about their job. I know that there are many reasons for this. From what I have experienced, it is that our job is so taboo that it seems to be, or can feel like a betrayal to your partner/s. These are questions worth diving into and investigating emotionally.
With dating and relationships moving away from more traditional models and norms, there is more access and information around ways to prioritise your romantic relationships, without sacrificing your job. After all, in the traditional gender roles, often defined by relationship, we see there can be an expectation for women to stay home while men are expected to be the sole source of income. Thankfully, we are largely moving away from this! We are becoming more emotionally, physically, and financially independent and are able to pursue whatever job we like. In theory.
Each time I tell a client or a non-sex worker I have a partner, I always get asked the same question: “Oh, does he know?!”
So, throwing sex work into the mix, how does that work? What can it look like? Can you romantically commit to someone who is doing sex work? As workers, can we compartmentalize and emotionally sustain having sex with someone else knowing that your romantic partner is waiting at home for you? Do we have to? I have had two serious relationships while doing sex work. One was a fantastic failure, and the current is the happiest I have ever been with a partner.
Let's compare the two. I met my shit-head ex-boyfriend during lockdown, so I was not currently working when we got together. We weren’t yet serious when I told him about my sex work and that I would be pursuing it when the lockdown lifted. It didn’t seem to phase him. Then lockdown ended, and we approached the subject again. I was unemployed through lockdown and was keen to get back to work. We had an open conversation about it and decided together that I would do one shift to trial how we both felt. It was horrible. We both felt terrible about it and mutually agreed that I would not continue and find a normie job. And I did. I found myself a job and we continued our relationship. There I was, being proud of myself for openly and honestly communicating, compromising, and committing myself to my partner – and all the while he had been cheating on me. Betraying me. What a joke. I kicked him out, and moved on with my life, swearing I would never date again. This also proved a bit of a joke.
Now, I am not saying this is the wrong way to date in the sex work industry, or that there even is a wrong way. I believe that the open communication we had was a good starting point for me to learn how to manage a romantic life. And while it backfired, I am grateful for the experience, even if it did leave me a bit traumatized.
Can you romantically commit to someone who is doing sex work? As workers, can we compartmentalize and emotionally sustain having sex with someone else?
Fast forward about 6 months, and I thought Tinder was a good idea, but only for physical company – under no circumstances was I looking for something emotional or romantic. Again, I let people know that I was a sex worker and gave them the opportunity to opt out. Plenty of people said they weren't into it. Some people said they were into it and then changed their mind. Some people were a little too into it, so I opted out. I refuse to be fetishised and objectified, particularly if I’m not getting paid – I get enough of that at work, thanks.
One of the people who opted in, saying he didn’t mind, and that work was work, turned out to actually be cool about it. I was skeptical but gave it a shot. Before I knew it, we weren't just having sex, we were being intimate. My healthy skepticism turned into outright panic. I tried to play along and be cool, but in reality, I was shitting myself. I didn’t trust him – or myself. Me, I was the one freaking out!
During our first introductions online, I told him I was a sex worker and that I was a full-service worker. We went on a few dates, started to stay the night at each other's places, and making plans for future dates in the weeks and months to come. From the first mention of my sex work until this very day we have a conversational open-door policy regarding my work. It has never been and will never be a once and done conversation for us – this is complex shit. Boundaries need to be drawn, trust must be established, maybe boundaries need to be rethought and reset? Our emotional, physical and sexual health must be prioritised. No amount of time together means that these rules and boundaries can’t be changed, and these conversations should be had ASAP and with mutual compassion and respect. Renegotiation is part of healthy boundaries and healthy relationships.
From the first mention of my sex work until this very day we have a conversational open-door policy regarding my work.
I am lucky enough that my partner is able to separate my work from our relationship. This properly mind-fucked me when we started digging into how we could make it work. It’s a weird position to be in when you’re asking your partner to be okay with you sleeping with other people, for money, and at the same time asking them to have a monogamous relationship with you. It can feel like maybe I'm a hypocrite? To hold these two seemingly opposing wants, simultaneously, is difficult.
Embarrassingly, I would never commit myself to someone in the industry, I just don’t have it in me. And maybe that’s fine? That I too can have different thoughts, feelings and limitations? I don’t have to be ideologically pure in this to date someone that respects and is comfortable with my job? To this day, despite his reassurance, I cannot fathom how my partner does it. It’s a strange place to be emotionally because I feel I’m giving him double standards, and that it couldn’t be fair on him. But isn’t that ultimately up to him? It's also a strange place to be when you have committed yourself to your partner and then go to work and sleep with other people. Both things can be true, but that doesn’t mean it never feels weird.
The emotional ins and outs of consensually sleeping with someone else, who is not my partner, can take a toll. There are many times I've felt guilty about my work, and even offered to be in an open relationship to ameliorate that guilt – thankfully he shut this idea down immediately. It would have made me feel shit in a different, not necessarily fairer, way. The conclusion we came to is that there is a difference between being intimate with someone and fucking someone, and those lines are clearer for us when fucking someone for money. I cannot compare the two. We also agree that work is work, and that everyone is selling their bodies, their labour, in some way thanks to our arch nemesis – Capitalism. After all, if you’re good at something, you don’t do it for free, right? Most importantly, he trusts me completely in my work. And that I will get to take us out on a cute brunch date with some of that hard-earned cash.
The conclusion we came to is that there is a difference between being intimate with someone and fucking someone, and those lines are clearer for us when fucking someone for money.
There is no set-in-stone way to date a sex worker, and there is no way to know for sure if you’re cut out for it. It's hard work for all involved, and to me, should not be taken lightly. My process has involved open ended conversations, open communication as key to starting any romantic or emotional relationship. When you throw sex work into the mix you need to work even harder to make damn sure that everyone’s emotional needs and being met, that sexual health education and awareness is prioritised, and that expectations are managed. It's not for everyone, but it’s absolutely possible in the right circumstances and with a little work.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
