Every sex worker’s been there. We’ve just made a new friend, or perhaps we’re on a first date that’s actually going well. Our companion’s unfurling plenty of green flags when it comes to their attitude about sex workers. No derogatory language? Check. Non-judgemental? Check. Openness to learning? Check. So, we decide we want to take the connection a little deeper. “Actually”, we say, when they make an offhand comment about OnlyFans, “I’m a sex worker.”
When sex workers out ourselves to a new person, there’s typically a pause. While we wait for the pause to fill – with something, anything – we can be rattling off lists of worst possible scenarios in our heads. Will this person ever fill this silence? Will they reject me? Will they reveal themselves to hate sex workers?
So, when someone responds with neutrality, or even positivity, it feels like such a win! A response as simple as, “oh, okay,” can bring a huge wave of relief. Antiquated judgements of sex workers really do feel a little more in the past. So, it’s all the more crushing when people then go on to say, “Can I ask you a question about your job? … What’s the craziest thing that’s happened to you at work?”
When someone asks me this, my heart sinks. It’s hard to know how to respond. Sometimes, I plaster on a smile and change the subject. Or even worse, sometimes I answer, rattling off stories that may amuse them. Yet it never feels good to do so.
When sex workers out ourselves to a new person, there’s typically a pause...
Non sex workers might be a little confused at this. After all, conversation is based on sharing things with each other. Swapping funny stories from work is a pretty human thing to do. Stories about “strange” fetishes and “crazy” scenarios related to sex workers fill the internet. So it might seem perfectly innocuous to ask someone who’s just revealed they do sex work to talk more about sex work.
Let me explain. It’s not necessarily the question that bothers me. It’s the assumption that lies underneath. At its heart, “crazy” alludes to the world many people imagine sex workers occupy. This world is a lurid one, filled with excessive wealth, extreme poverty, strange characters, and odd requests. “Crazy” alludes to the assumption many people have: that sex work is more salacious than any other job.
Sex workers know this. We’re intimately familiar with this assumption and the damaging stereotypes that spring off it. In these stereotypes, our clients are creepy old men, sex workers are damaged, and sex work is degrading. These are the stereotypes that contribute to the whorephobic stigma and criminalisation that burden us. Little wonder that we’re tired of this question.
Sometimes, my gut response feels like blurting out, “there’s nothing crazy about sex work!” In these moments I feel a strong desire to separate myself from the assumption lying at the heart of this question, to distance myself from the stereotype by proclaiming that my job isn’t at all strange. My clients are perfectly fine, and I’m perfectly normal.
“Crazy” alludes to the assumption many people have, that sex work is more salacious than any other job.
Over the years, I’ve realised that all this instinctive answer does is reinforce the question. If I can prove that I’m not “crazy”, it still suggests there’s another sex worker out there who is. It splits sex workers into two groups. There are the “good” ones, who are perfectly acceptable to civilian standards, and the “bad” ones, who really are “crazy”. It suggests it’s actually okay to ask sex workers this question, because one day, you might stumble across a bad one who can entertain you with gossip-worthy anecdotes after all.
Sex workers are a diverse bunch. We encompass many demographics, services, and attitudes towards our work. So, we have a huge diversity in experiences at work! A certain service may be one sex worker’s bread and butter, and another’s hard boundary. One sex worker may be very particular about how her clients interact with her, while another sex worker may be open to a range of interactive styles. Asking a sex worker for “crazy” anecdotes immediately stamps us all with whorephobic stigma – if not the “good” sex worker in the conversation, then certainly the “bad” sex worker out of the room.
The truth is, there’s nothing inherently “crazy” about any job. Some sex workers are deeply supported in sex work, through personal networks and the law. They’re more likely to be able to offer services they’re fully aligned with and enforce their boundaries. So perhaps they’re less likely to experience situations they’d find “crazy”. Other sex workers are more isolated, so perhaps they’re more vulnerable to experiences they feel are “crazy”. If sex work is ever crazy, lurid, salacious, creepy, degrading, or any of the other assumptions people make with this question, that’s precisely because of stigma and criminalisation. Those most vulnerable to this “craziness” deserve to be uplifted in conversation, not made into the spectacle of gossip.
Asking a sex worker for “crazy” anecdotes immediately stamps us all with whorephobic stigma.
When someone asks me this question, it doesn’t really matter to me whether I do have “crazy” stories to share. What matters is that asking reduces sex workers into caricatures. Crucially, it doesn’t really engage with us as 3D people! It might appear to develop the conversation, but it really just shuts it down.
If you want to get to know us a little better, you don’t need to ask us that question. You just need to ask about us. Ask us about what we think of work, what we learn from it, what’s significant to us, what’s memorable to us, and so many more open-ended questions in that vein! Questions that help to get to know us as complex, unique individuals. Talk to us like you’d want anyone to get to know you. You’ll find that if we do choose to share “crazy” stories, they will often come hand in hand with our deeper insights. And you never know – you might find yourself having a better conversation than you could have ever imagined.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
