One of my most interesting, and reassuring discussions as a BDSM educator and pro-Dom is regarding feminism, it’s not one I really expected to have when I started as a sex worker. Growing up through my childhood and teenage years, the media was flooded with sexy femme fatale types who owned and used their sexual appeal as just another tool in the toolbox. Think Charlie's Angels (2000) with Lucy Lu in her all black leather “business” attire and cane-like wooden pointer – and wasn’t that a serious awakening for my queer kinky self? I looked at these media portrayals of female sexuality and what I took away was: knowing what you wanted and having the confidence, the self assurance, to go after it, was a good thing. It was powerful.
Yet, over the years while talking to prospective clients or when running many of my educational workshops, munches, and classes, I can guarantee there will be someone who asks; “Isn’t my desire anti feminist?” “Is wanting to submit in the bedroom betraying my ideals of women being equal?” Internalised misogyny is the name we give the sense of self doubt, shame, and guilt that comes from those ingrained expectations of white western patriarchy. Interestingly enough, I’ve seemingly only ever been asked this question by white cis women. I suspect that my trans and queer siblings have a different understanding of sexual desire and perhaps a different, broader, understanding of feminism itself.
For now, I’m going to focus on the cis, white, heteronormative, perspective. In this society, we are constantly fighting back against the patriarchal idea of men/masculine = dominant and women/feminine = submissive, and that these concepts are intrinsically linked to these binary notions of sex/gender. Men should provide and women should serve. Obviously, we have come far in our fight for women’s rights, we just celebrated the 50th anniversary of women gaining the right to access a credit card without their husbands permission, which was passed in 1974! As women gain more rights and equality, so do they gain greater freedoms in pursuing their own sexual desires. In our modern age we have romance books galore, movies, and TV shows that highlight the power in female sexuality – and of course the internet with all its tips, tricks, and access to information for women to share their love of sex.
As women gain more rights and equality, so do they gain greater freedoms in pursuing their own sexual desires.
Which brings me to THE question. I have female clients who come to me for fetish services as they feel I am a safer choice. They can ask me these things and hope that I might have an answer for them that can take the worry and stress from their eyes, the tension from their shoulders, the guilt pulls at their frowns. Women at munches I host or workshops I teach bring this topic up – warring with the internalised misogyny that brings such deep feelings of shame and guilt against their desires and sexual preferences in kink. I always answer the same way.
My understanding of the mainstream feminist the movement(s) is about striving to give women and equal rights to the men in our society. This means the same rights, safety, opportunity, and most importantly, the same choices that men have. This is of course a predominantly white western, cisheteronormative perspective. If feminism fights for the rights of women to be able to choose what they want, this means that if they choose to be a stay at home mom, more power to them! If they choose to be a boss bitch? Amazing. Choose to be celibate until marriage? Hell yeah, babe. Choose to sleep with different partners and explore sex with or without toys or a partner? Fuck yes! It’s your right to choose, without being shamed or treated as lesser, than the men in our society. So, if you choose to come to me and submit for a spanking because that’s what you want? That’s your right to choose for yourself! There is absolutely nothing wrong in choosing to follow your desires – including being submissive. Choosing to engage in kink as a submissive, a dominant, or a switch is empowering to each individual and I firmly believe in that right to choose and explore what works for you.
If you choose to come to me and submit for a spanking because that’s what you want? That’s your right to choose for yourself!
Let's really look at what being submissive means. There is a lot of casual use of the term submissive, and sometimes it gets used interchangeably with bottom/bottoming. To me bottoming is the term I use to describe the person who is having things done to them– that is if you come to me for a spanking, with or without sex, you are bottoming for me, regardless and separate to your personal designation as a dominant or submissive. To be submissive is to willingly surrender to another person. What that looks like is very subjective to the dynamic that you create with your top and/or dominant. It can mean that for a period of time you must obey every instruction given. It can mean to follow a set protocol. It can mean sex or no sex. It can mean so many things concerning the level of power and control you choose to give to a top or dominant. The easiest way I can explain the difference between bottoming and being submissive is that bottoming is to be receiving a thing, and being submissive is a state of mind – this is often called subspace.
With all my clients I ask them what being submissive looks like to them. What are they wanting from the power exchange? You’ll notice something extremely important in that. It’s a negotiation. I require a conversation to come to a mutual agreement about our time together as to what exactly each of us will and will not allow in our session. What it is we want from our session. Think of it kind of like ballroom dancing: yes I will lead you, but you have to choose to follow my lead. If you don’t… well, it isn’t dancing together, is it? We have to agree on the dance before we can do it together. There is power in choosing to follow my lead or the lead of any dominant, and being submissive or a switch with sub tendencies does not make you lesser. To me, engaging with a submissive is a gift of trust that I am honoured to receive. It is my job as the dominant to cherish and respect that gift while providing the kind of kink that makes that submissive want to keep submitting to me. So no, submitting in kink or wanting to be submissive is not anti feminist. Take power in your own desires and choices, and enjoy your kink with respect, joy, and safety! There is nothing anti feminist about that.
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