Editors Note: mention of suicidal ideation.
Transitioning is a unique experience for each trans person. It can mean taking hormones, it can mean getting top or bottom surgery, it can mean cutting your hair, changing your clothes, your name, your pronouns. It can mean all of these things or none of them because it looks different for every one of us. Many people consider that you have to do something radical to transition, but that's not always the case. I've seen people who exclusively change pronouns and keep dressing the same, even using the same name, and that's a form of transition just as valid as any other—because even though how we present ourselves can be something really important for trans people, clothes, names, bodies are not what defines our gender. They can't because they don't possess us. We materialize something intangible in a way that represents how we feel, using these things as tools—but each combination of these tools portrays a unique feeling trying to be expressed as accurately as possible.
I've known I was trans since I was 15, and I've gone through a lot of different expressions, sets of pronouns and identity labels. The lapse between when I started to feel chest dysphoria to when I got my first binder was tortuous, and since then my chest dysphoria comes and goes. I went a long time without feeling it, but recently it came back worse than ever.
Many people consider that you have to do something radical to transition, but that's not always the case.
Tracing a line between transness, disabilities, sex work, and suicidal ideation, as a person who experiences these things at once, I'm skeptical about how people talk about suicide in general and how society wants us to see it. There's this phrase going around about how respecting pronouns is suicide prevention, but then I see people sharing things that turn suicide back into an individual problem, which it is not. I've held death’s hand lots of times for different reasons and I've watched friends holding the other one and seeing this happen time after time, mostly to marginalized people with whom I share the experience of being trans, disabled, a sex worker, etc. It has brought me to the conclusion that suicide is the most effective, covert, and elaborated way capitalism engages in eugenics.
Recently I realized that apart from the “typical” struggles about transitioning, I also fear that if I stop dressing fem I'll get treated worse by people in general. I know this may sound controversial, but what I mean is that I know I don't “pass” as a cis man, but I can sort of pass as a girl and I've noticed how differently people treat me when I dress fem in opposition to when I dress masc. When I dress fem people are usually nicer to me, I'm more likable, I get complimented, etc. But when I dress masc, I become something that people look down on, something weird, something to gossip about, something to hate, something to invalidate and mistreat. I'm not saying that I don't face harassment when I present fem, I'm saying that I've noticed it gets worse when I look androgynous. Society teaches us to hate what we don't understand. When I dress fem I'm more “digestible” and even though the last thing I want is to be more assimilated into cis-heteronormativity, I also don't want to be ostracized or taken to a point where I internalize trans-hate so much that dysphoria becomes unbearable. I would like to aim to be as “unacceptable” as I can possibly be without losing all the joy along the way.
I think there are a few reasons why I get treated better when I present fem, one being that I put more effort on how I dress and some people like aesthetically how I look. On the other hand, I feel that there's people who treat me “better” because they are sexualising me and want something from me.
There's also the issue that it can be really unsafe to transition in a way that's “visible”. Many trans people chose not to because of this, which is understandable—the possibility of being hate-crimed or getting kicked out of households or places in general is not minor, and it can be a difficult choice to put your safety or housing in danger.
There's also the issue that it can be really unsafe to transition in a way that's “visible”.
I've given a lot of thought on how I wanna follow up with my transition beyond using my preferred pronouns, my name, and expressing it aesthetically. There's all the problems I mentioned before, but those aren't the main reasons why I feel so much doubt about this. I am transmasc though I am not a man, and I don't wanna be one, so I ask myself what this means to me and how I want to express it. It's a hard question to answer because for some of us how we feel or express are not immovable things, and sometimes I feel that a reason I see as valid and good for others isn't for me. For example, with dysphoria—I have a hard time distinguishing between what makes me dysphoric on a personal level, and what makes me feel dysphoric due to the expectations of this cis-heteronormative society.
Wanting to be gendered correctly is a valid reason for taking hormones, I just personally don't want it to be my main one—though I feel that the internalized societal pressure to conform to gender norms pushing me to decide to either medically transition toward being cis-passing as a man, or to dress more femme to pass as a woman, neither of which I am.
Like I said, I've been openly trans since I was 15 and I've changed my pronouns various times in these 8 years. My name is one of the things I chose at that age that hasn't changed, unlike my hair length and color and the way I dress. For me that's what transitioning has looked like till now, it may not seem much to some people but for trans people it can be something really meaningful and world-shaking. I haven't medically transitioned in any form because I like the possibility that I can change some things for more gender affirmation without the need of medical intervention—because the medic system many times is a nightmare for trans people and people in general. I know my gender goals can change in time and also my perspective about them so I'll always leave myself space to mutate into what makes me feel more joy, despite all the hate that I can face.
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