Editor’s Note: mentions of boundary pushing, manipulation
Throughout my personal dating history with cis men, and my time in sex work, I have noticed something unexpected though very welcome. Dating in my personal life has historically been a bad experience, or at best, a difficult one. While on average, my experiences with sex work clients (who are also mainly cis men) are mostly neutral or good to very good. There are some outliers of course—there are some clients I have blocked for eternity.
These, of course, are generalizations, but when patterns emerge, I do take note. Noticing that clients treat me better is actually a delightful pattern too, because sex work is helping me to see that men can be gracious, respectful humans at times!
So, personal dating. Part one is the talking stage, which in our current year of 2025 with various dating apps at our fingertips, is mostly done online. Part one is a horrible part of the dating timeline, honestly. It’s hard to get a feel for someone over text. So, I normally like to suggest a video call before going out for a first date. A video call beforehand helps to ease the nerves, as well as giving me an idea of whether we might be compatible or not. These calls can help streamline the process, so nobody’s time is wasted. However, scheduling a call time that works for both parties is sometimes difficult and I have had multiple occasions where impatient men have written paragraphs about how horrible it was of me to request a call before meeting in real life.
These, of course, are generalizations, but when patterns emerge, I do take note.
Yet professionally? Men who see sex workers know that they will most likely have to do some sort of screening to go forward with an appointment. And if they’re not willing to do that, we can either mutually agree that we’re not a good match, or they just don’t write back. Of course, there are some who may also insert a sarcastic reply here, but the normalization of some kind of screening process that comes along with spending time with a sex worker means that more men are willing to comply. We don’t really have that in personal dating. It’s as if men just expect us to feel so blessed that they chose to ask us on a date. Perhaps normalizing a pre date video call would get these guys in line?
Okay, we’ve gotten past the initial setup and we’ve decided to see each other. Next is establishing boundaries. Within personal dating, I think there is a pattern of using love or the potential of love to push boundaries. Men consistently push health and safety boundaries when trading love rather than money. I’ve heard the line, “but I love you” so many times in discussions of health boundaries. This is super manipulative. Of course you love me, and that shouldn’t be up for discussion in relation to what I’m willing or not willing to do. Having to argue over health and safety is annoying and shows an incredible entitlement to accessing my body in ways that are beyond my comfort level.
For the most part, in my experience, clients understand the need for boundaries (including health related ones) and don’t really question it. Clients are generally very appreciative just to be spending time with me. They are accepting of the fact that boundaries come first and after that I can accommodate their desire for our shared time together. Also, some clients just treat me so delicately! It’s super sweet and special.
It’s as if men just expect us to feel so blessed that they chose to ask us on a date. Perhaps normalizing a pre date video call would get these guys in line?
Overall, I would say that men in my personal life feel entitled to me, and sometimes expect the world from me, while clients generally feel very grateful for me. I really enjoy the feeling of being cherished by a regular. It’s different from feeling loved in a relationship. A lot of times love in a relationship feels like, “I love you, as long as you ______”. You can fill in the blank for whatever expectation the man may have of you. When I talk about being cherished by a regular client, I mean with no strings attached. I can say no and uphold boundaries and for the most part, they’re accepting and will keep coming back for more.
I wish I could share a clear reason for why I feel this pattern has emerged. Part of it could be volume. I see a lot more clients than I date in my personal life. Because dating has been difficult, I take long breaks from it and therefore have fewer dates than clients. Additionally, a lot of my sex work is online, so that also creates a high volume of interactions with clients.
I think another possible reason is that sometimes emotional attachment is what fuels men’s disrespectful behavior. Clients may not have an emotional attachment to me at all, or if they do, can understand why acting on their emotions in a client/worker environment wouldn’t be a good idea. I am wondering if no strings attached = no emotions attached = no angry outbursts? Okay, so even clients have emotions, of course. But this has more to do with what is sometimes referred to as “the container” of sex work, or the time, space, and energy spent with a client that starts and ends at predetermined times. So, for example, the client or I may have lots of feelings during the session, but usually are able to detach from that when it ends and get back to our regular lives.
I’m also wondering if no love = no love lost. Clients don’t get to trade their romantic love for a pushed—or broken—boundary of mine.
Another theory could be that we, as a collective of sex workers throughout history, have established some regular guidelines and boundaries for the clients that wish to see us. Sex workers operate in vastly different ways, but one thing you can expect from a sex worker is a boundary. On the other hand, unfortunately, I don’t believe everyone who dates men has this shared boundary-making skill. We are taught to aspire to love and partnership, through culture, religion, family values, rom coms, Disney, you name it. We are rarely taught to advocate for ourselves in the dating world. Sex work taught me this, and I am so grateful.
The client or I may have lots of feelings during the session, but usually are able to detach from that when it ends...
On a personal level, I feel the fact that having boundaries and stating them is basically a job requirement aids in the process of having good clients. I hate to admit it, but I may be partially to blame for my dismal dating history in instances where I might not have been firm or clear with my boundaries. However, I am only partially to blame, because someone had to push that boundary as well.
For whatever reason, or combination of reasons, this pattern of good clients has shown me that men do have the capacity to be respectful, considerate, generous, caring, real and gracious. I’m so grateful for this, because for a while I was really losing faith. I am hoping that the reason for this pattern is the difference in volume of clients versus dates. If that’s the case, it means that there’s so much opportunity out there. Not only to connect with people who have these lovely qualities, but hopefully to cultivate and pass on these great characteristics in our society, and at the same time decrease the level of entitlement.
I would like to share that the entire writing process of this piece had me consistently questioning “why am I writing this?” and “what is the reason for sharing?” I don’t want to portray sex work clients as perfect, as there are some truly horrible ones. In sharing this, I would like people to understand that sex work clients who are cis men and that dates who are cis men both have the potential for pushing boundaries, harassment, or intimate partner violence. But it’s more often that sex work clients are portrayed as dangerous, than dates or husbands. Dating and marriage are just as risky! Of course, some boyfriends and husbands are kind and respectful I’m sure, but I’m sharing this to let people know that clients are too! For me personally, sex work has opened up an understanding of men as caring, respectful people, which in dating had been a lot harder to see. I am super grateful for this—it’s refreshing and gives me a new way of seeing things, with more nuance about gender roles and stereotypes.
These realizations have helped me to move past some of the boundaries broken by dates, because of my work and getting to meet so many other men who don’t break boundaries. Men who are kind, generous, respectful and appreciate me.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
