I’ve been considering a run for city council. I’ve tossed the idea around – beaten it into submission really – for the last 4 or 5 years, but there’s a very significant part of me that won’t let me file the paperwork. There are smaller parts of me, the part that hates being photographed, for example, involved in that hesitation but the largest part of me is that part that still feels abject terror when considering being outed as a (now former) sex worker. It’s not like it’s a secret. I told my parents and my older sister years ago. My friends and I have talked about it at length. Most of my professors were aware during my delulu period in grad school. I’ve admitted it in job interviews and I’ve been writing about it for at least 4 years.
But it’s different this time, because I’m not in control of the process. I can’t control who finds out or the speed at which the information is disseminated. It’s not information tied to a fabricated internet persona that exaggerates the most absurd, and ultimately irrelevant, parts of my identity for the incredibly lucrative tens of dollars that freelancing pays. This isn’t trading on my own (relatively minor) trauma and (relatively major) ennui, related to a decade of drifting in and out of this industry for academic funding and alleged prestige. This is intentionally setting myself up to tie my legal name to my face in an irrevocably public way with the almost guaranteed outcome of permanently outing myself.
I’ve been considering a run for city council. I’ve tossed the idea around – beaten it into submission really – for the last 4 or 5 years.
It feels selfish to keep saying, “what about me,” as justification for stalling a council run over and over again. Pennsylvania, and Allegheny County, is incredibly hostile to sex workers. Until just a few years ago, having condoms on your person during an arrest could be considered evidence for a solicitation charge. But that same open hostility is why I feel so apprehensive. Every time I’ve outed myself, it’s been a strategic decision guided by weeks, or even months, of deliberation. I had to feel truly secure in the knowledge that that admission wouldn’t be weaponised against me. So far, I’ve been right, but there’s still a perpetual undercurrent of fear every time a new person is added to the list.
To expose myself to a statistical-area population of 2.6 million people, getting their media coverage from an anti-union, right-wing, patriarchal behemoth of a press operation feels like an unnecessary risk. It feels stupid, and I pride myself on being relatively not stupid. After all, a Virginia legislative candidate was just forced to contend with having revenge porn shared after being outed by a Washington Post reporter who claimed a “Republican operative” originally alerted them to the videos. There’s no video of me and my face-out ad days are long behind me, but I’m still paralysed by the fear. It doesn’t matter that the people of Pittsburgh seem to overwhelmingly support decriminalisation or even legalisation in some form. It doesn’t matter that, at least amongst younger voters, attitudes towards sex workers are changing.
What matters is the reality of being a sex worker, or being associated with sex work, in the United States. What I know is that this country was built on the de facto and de jure subjugation of women, Black people, and queer people. The reality is that sex workers, both past and present, live in constant fear of retaliation, harassment, assault, and arrest. I’ve been stalked and harassed for daring to be open about my experiences in this industry. It’s taken years for my heart to stop racing every time I get a new email or open a social media account, and I still don’t feel completely safe.
The reality is that sex workers, both past and present, live in constant fear of retaliation, harassment, assault, and arrest.
I want to feel safe but how can I if I’m forced to put my face alongside my legal name, my home address, my entire past and then offer the entire package to up for the public gaze? How can anyone feel safe with outing themselves to anyone? How can anyone trust that the dissemination of that incredibly sensitive information won’t be used to attack them if they fall out of line with someone? Unfortunately, I don’t have any secrets or tips to make outing yourself easier. I don’t believe anyone should have to out themselves as a sex worker unless they’re putting themselves forward as a public representative of, or for, the industry. Even then, I believe in aliases and a strong knowledge of opsec. What I can say is that you simply never have to out yourself unless you really really really want to. And if that’s the case, I hope you have a firm grasp on your boundaries and that the following list helps.
- Self-reflection: Take time to understand your own feelings and reasons for disclosing your profession. Ensure that you are comfortable and confident in your decision before discussing it with others.
- Choose the right time and place: Find a quiet, private, and comfortable space where you can talk openly without distractions or interruptions.
- Be prepared: Anticipate questions, concerns, and reactions from your loved ones. Be ready to address these with patience and understanding.
- Consider the person's perspective: Put yourself in your friends' and family's shoes and try to understand their potential reactions. Be prepared for a range of emotions, including shock, anger, confusion, or disappointment.
- Start with those closest to you: Begin by talking to those you trust the most, who are likely to be the most understanding and supportive.
- Use "I" statements: Express your feelings, experiences, and reasons for your choice using "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory or confrontational. For example, say, "I have chosen to work in the adult industry because..." instead of "You need to accept that I'm a sex worker."
- Provide information: Offer resources or educational materials about sex work to help your friends and family better understand your profession and its challenges. This can help dispel misconceptions and reduce stigma.
- Set boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries regarding what you are comfortable discussing and what is off-limits. Respect their boundaries as well.
- Be patient and empathetic: Understand that reactions may vary, and people might need time to process the information. Exercise empathy and give them space if they need it.
- Offer reassurance: Let your loved ones know that you prioritise your safety and well-being and have taken steps to protect yourself. Discuss safety measures you have in place.
- Seek support: Establish a circle of support outside of the person you’re disclosing to. Chosen family is no less valuable or important than your born family.
- Be willing to walk away: Unfortunately, some individuals may react negatively, and it's essential to be emotionally prepared for the possibility of strained relationships or temporary distance.
- Professional help: If the conversation becomes too challenging or if your loved ones are struggling to cope, consider suggesting that they speak with a therapist or counsellor to help them process their feelings.
- Maintain communication: Keep the lines of communication open, even if the initial conversation is difficult. Reiterate your love and commitment to your relationships and offer to continue discussing any concerns or questions.
The spectre of being involuntarily outed in an environment is paralysing if I’m entirely honest. Despite shifting attitudes, the world’s' deep-rooted history of subjugating marginalised groups, especially sex workers, perpetuates an atmosphere of fear, harassment, and vulnerability. The prospect of exposing my entire being to the public gaze feels like an unnecessary risk, raising profound questions about safety and trust in a society where such sensitive information can easily become a weapon. While I don't have a universal solution, I believe that one should never feel compelled to disclose their involvement in sex work unless they genuinely wish to do so, and even then, safeguarding one's identity remains paramount in navigating these treacherous waters.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
