Right off the bat, I want to be clear that this will not be a listicle of the best skincare routines or bath salts for self care. Instead, I will be unpacking the political roots of the self care movement and how we can apply this framework as sex workers. As sex workers, we are the facilitators of our clients' self care. People take and take from us, emptying our cups to the point of emotional, physical and spiritual exhaustion. And all too often, we end up neglecting our own needs in service of others. In an industry where we provide our time, energy and cultivate intimacy in order to bring others joy, it is important to make sure that we are still taking care of our own needs. But what does self care look like when you are a sex worker?
The Origins of Self Care
Before we talk about self care for sex workers, we first need to understand the political origins of the term ‘self care’. “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare” said Audre Lorde in her 1988 book A Burst of Light. The concept of self care was born out of rebellion against white supremacy, institutional racism, and class discrimination. As a Black lesbian feminist, civil rights activist and womanist; Lorde belonged to many intersecting marginalized communities. She notes that the systematic oppression of those marginalized communities is maintained through the deliberate exhaustion of said communities. Lorde recognised the necessity of supporting her own needs whilst engaging in activism. Because at its core, self care is supposed to coincide with community care.
The Commercialisation of Self Care
Over the years, the term self care has been hijacked by capitalism. The self care hashtag rose to mainstream prominence during 2016. Coinciding with the US Presidential election, which understandably sparked anxieties from many marginalized communities. The week after Trump’s election, ‘self care’ peaked in Google search popularity. And with this came an influx of online #selfcare content.
The popularity of self care during this time saw many influencers take to their social media to promote “self care guides”. These guides often encouraged consumerism and erased the Black political origins of self care. Rebranding a philosophy founded in queer Black feminism as a profitable, palatable and commercial trend. The term “self care” has become synonymous with “treat yourself”, with many influencers encouraging consumerism through the guise of self care. Many wellness blogs and articles encourage buying herbal teas, scented candles and gratitude journals as a means of self care. It wasn’t long before corporations co-opted language from the self care movement for their marketing to sell more unnecessary products.
“Self-care cannot be an ‘act of political warfare’ if the only battle you’re waging is against your frown lines with $110 moisturizer.” Says award winning writer Kathleen Newman-Bremang in her article Reclaiming Audre Lorde’s Radical Self-Care.
Self Care For Sex Workers
That’s not to say that indulging in the “treat yourself” mindset is inherently bad. How you as a sex worker choose to spend their money is your business. I am simply hoping to communicate that self care is a lot more nuanced when you come from marginalized communities.
With the political origins of self care in mind, we can see how this applies to sex workers. Due to whorephobia, colonialism and patriarchy: sex workers are a heavily stigmatized group of people made up of a diverse range of people. This includes the disability community, the LGBTQA+ community, the Black, Brown and Indigenous communities, women etc. On top of the social stigma that comes with being a sex worker, our jobs require us to take on a lot of emotional and physical labor. People come to us as a means of their own self care, which can leave us drained to the point of neglecting our own needs. And when we can’t show up for ourselves, we can’t show up for our friends, family, or community.
When Lorde stated she treats self preservation as an act of political warfare, she was pushing back against the systems designed to keep herself and women like her oppressed. There are many systems designed to keep sex workers oppressed. If we are going to survive, we need to ensure we are caring for ourselves so that we can also show up and care for each other.
Self care looks different to everyone. I take a holistic approach to my self care practice. I too view caring for myself as a means of self preservation. By demonstrating to myself that I am worthy of the love and care I give to others, I am able to continue showing up for my community, my whanaungatanga. The following are some suggestions that I have found useful in my self care practice, and perhaps they will resonate with others:
Connecting To Yourself Through Masturbatation
As sex workers, we are often engaging in performative pleasure. In order to not become detached from seeking my own pleasure, I enjoy rubbing one (or two, or five) out as an act of self care. Masturbating has many benefits to our overall health and well being. When we masturbate, it triggers the release of hormones and chemicals located in the brain's pleasure and reward center. These include:
- Dopamine - AKA the happiness hormone. An important neurotransmitter involved in motivation, movement + reward seeking.
- Oxytocin - AKA the love hormone. This promotes our social, sexual and maternal behaviors as well as supporting positive social interaction, growth and healing.
- Serotonin - AKA The satisfaction hormone. Serotonin helps to mediate happiness, optimism and satisfaction.
- Prolactin - a hormone that promotes physiological responses to stress management and emotional regulation. This also helps to regulate the immune system.
- Endorphins that can relieve pain and inflation better than morphine. This can help to relieve intense period cramps and back pain.
Disconnecting From Social Media
We live in the digital era, and social media can be a great tool for socializing and networking, as well as providing us another means of income. I began my sex work journey via a Pay to Access Snapchat, I get how great an asset having social media as a sex worker can be. But it’s important to find balance between being on your phone and resting. Scheduling in times to disconnect from social media has been beneficial to my mental health. If you’re someone who likes scrolling through social media as a means of disconnecting from the world and relaxing, switch off your message notifications. By not being constantly available, you can recharge yourself before having to engage with others.
Connecting With Nature
I am Pākehā-Māori, and one of my favorite things about being Māori is our innate understanding that we are intimately connected to the land. The Te Reo word for land is the same as our word for placenta; whenua. We are one with the land, and everything possesses a soul; a wairua. Our mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing is linked to our relationship with nature. Whenever I can, I try to connect with Papatūānuku (Mother Earth). I love going for nature walks, paying attention to everything around me. The humming of birds, the sound of leaves crunching beneath my feet, it’s a beautiful sensory experience. I can feel it recharges me from the inside out.
Connecting With A Hobby
Appreciate the little things in life! This is a logic I have tried to apply by engaging in simple hobbies that bring me joy. Whenever I have downtime, I like to ask myself what would bring me joy right now? And then I follow my intuition. A lot of the time, this results in reading books, going for walks in nature, writing, scrapbooking, or creating themed playlists and dancing alone in my bedroom. This is what many refer to as inner child healing, creating a space where your subconscious is allowed to take the lead.
Ask yourself, what hobbies bring you joy? Taking care of plants? Painting? Exercise? Whatever it is, it’s ok if you need to spend money in order to maintain this hobby. We do live in a capitalist system, spending money is inevitable. But try to distance yourself from the pressure of turning your hobbies into a means of income (as many of us feel pressured to do living under a capitalist system). Try to also combat the idea that you need to be an expert at your chosen hobby. As someone living with ADHD, I struggle with this! Instead, practice having fun for the sake of fun. Sex work is your means of income, let your hobbies be a time to surrender to childlike joy.
Disconnecting From People Who Drain You
The emotional labor we provide as sex workers can be physically, mentally and spiritually exhausting. Being a sex worker has made me very cautious of who I allow into my space, especially in social dynamics. I do my best to avoid people who are whorephobic and make me feel ashamed of my sex work, this has resulted in me cutting ties with my father – which I view as an act of self care.
I recognize that not everyone can simply cut harmful people from their lives, it is a lot more complicated than that. But my mental health has vastly improved the less time I spend around people who try to tell me what I can do with my body. If you can’t completely remove yourself from these people, try and limit the time you spend around them. If there are people in your life who make you feel guilty or ashamed about being a sex worker, it’s not selfish to pull away from them; it’s self preservation.
Connecting With Your Chosen Family
With the negative stigma attached to our industry, being a sex worker can be an extremely isolating experience. It is important that we have people in our lives who can meet us with compassion. Connecting with other sex workers can be a great means of refilling your cup. I work in a brothel, so the changing rooms are a sacred time for me. I appreciate getting to speak so candidly about sex work with other sex workers. Many of my friends outside of the brothel are also sex workers, spending time with them is a form of self care to me, I get to be my authentic self and not hide any aspect of who I am.
If you are wanting to connect to other sex workers but perhaps work independently, I would suggest locating a sex work collective, organisation or outreach programme within your area that you can partake in. These orgs can help connect you with other sex workers. Alternatively, there is also a lot of healing and enrichment to be found within your other communities. I joined a local poetry collective for people living with disabilities, and it fills my cup to be surrounded by fellow creative souls who also navigate life with disabilities.
Connecting To Yourself
And finally, taking time to connect to yourself is a beautiful act of self care. This can be done by making yourself a nice meal or having a hot steamy shower. Small acts of service for yourself can go a long way in helping you connect to yourself. Being a sex worker is absolutely exhausting, you’re allowed to take some time to rest, recharge and be present with yourself. What if you cared for yourself the way you care for others? You give so much as a sex worker, it’s ok to show up for yourself with that same nurturing and care.
Just be sure to remember the message of Lorde’s words. Caring for yourself means you can show up for others. It’s about finding the right balance, and knowing you're worthy of being cared for. Even if the world is set up to make you feel like you aren’t.
