I say this with love and compassion—we need to do better at supporting and uplifting our sex worker comrades.
It takes more than saying the right thing or posting on Instagram on December 17th. One major challenge is where and how we can discuss our work. Here in the States, we can’t do an honest and authentic education campaign. We can’t publicly talk about what we do, why we deserve respect, or what support or allyship feel right, while our work is being criminalized.
Most self-proclaimed progressive leftist or radical thinkers know enough to pretend to be pro-sex work but when the chips are down and we get intimate, out come prejudices, willful misunderstanding, and sometimes outright threats of violence. It’s easier to say you are pro-sex work than it is to actually unpack and deconstruct all of your hang-ups about sex, relationships, capitalism and work. I’ve experienced it too many times; I write this as a single-parent career sex worker whose child’s other parent has threatened to doxx me if I ever try to go through the courts to get child support. I say this as a person who regularly navigates inaccurate narratives even the most woke and supposedly radical comrades hold about sex work and sex workers.
Seemingly tiny things give me red flags in my body. Recently, on two separate first dates with “spiritual queers”, I was asked how I protect my energy at work. The question seems innocent enough at first, right? But I have experienced way more energetic assaults, violations and drain at the thirty or more civilian, on-the-books legal jobs I’ve worked at throughout my life. I wonder why people think this question is relevant only for laborers who share sexual-physical intimacy at work? Could it be connected to the religious-cum-new-age belief that women especially lose something of their energy and preciousness with every new lover, and especially when the lover is a man?
Most self-proclaimed progressive leftist or radical thinkers know enough to pretend to be pro-sex work but when the chips are down and we get intimate, out come prejudices, willful misunderstanding, and sometimes outright threats of violence.
I don’t believe this. I don’t believe that sharing my sexuality, my body and pleasure with many people makes me less; or drains or dilutes me any more than any other labor I do with my body and mind. What I do believe though, is that decriminalization would be a great start to deconstructing the silly things people say and believe about sex work and sex workers. Criminalization depends on stigma and although decriminalization would not instantly dissolve it, it would be a step in the right direction.
In my most generous moments, I don’t fault people for their completely wrong ideas about sex work. A person I value very much in my life was trying to empathize with me one time and he said something along the lines of “sex workers having a limited shelf life” or “aging out”. I got prickly and let him know that this is actually not the case; he took it well and was grateful for the feedback. Often the issues are just ignorance, lack of experience, or buying into propaganda or mainstream narratives and believing that to be the whole story. We don’t know what we don’t know. There was a time I was ignorant—as a baby twenty-two year old stripper—and fed into the whorearchy.
You live, you learn. People can expand their understanding and do better. No one who is alive can avoid being ignorant or problematic at some point, in some area of their lives. But with the current trend in America toward a return to ‘traditional’ conservative values; trad wives and limiting bodily autonomy for all; it feels like an uphill battle to be seen, held, respected and appreciated as a proud, and sometimes very tired, sex worker.
Often the issues are just ignorance, lack of experience, or buying into propaganda or mainstream narratives and believing that to be the whole story.
Sometimes, especially with fellow leftists who really want to be allies, people just really are lacking information. They haven’t met or interfaced with many different kinds of sex workers. They had that one friend but they had a falling out. They’ve seen Hollywood depictions and they follow some of us on social media, or they dated one of us a while ago. And so they lean into the one limited lens they have. It’s a lack of exposure problem; a lack of exposure to real-life sex workers who feel comfortable being vulnerable and honest with you. This is a lack of safety problem; a criminalization problem.
We don’t need to wait for decriminalization to find communities in which we feel like we belong. We can be the solutions we’ve been looking for. Feeling like we are constantly educating people on our work can be so goddamned tiring. None of us can serve as the representative of erotic laborers, so maybe as we start this new year we can aim to completely and authentically step into our power, modeling how we will and how we won’t talk about our work. We can choose our battles and kindly correct those we wish to be in community with when they say hurtful things. We will not be used or farmed for all of our knowledge and experience. We will hold high standards for our comrades, friends and lovers, that they will hold all sex workers in high regard and engage with us in an expansive and accepting regard, rather than pigeonhole us into one narrow idea.
Let me be clear: being misunderstood is not the same as being unsafe. There is a level of privilege we have if our main concern is people not “getting” us, as opposed to not being attacked or killed. And yet, it is all connected; disrespect, false narratives, ignorance, lack of support or community; these things directly and indirectly enable violence. They are used against the most marginalized sex workers to justify unchecked escalation.
I don’t think I can share one conclusive list of recommendations on how to support sex workers. I can share how I would like to be supported, but please keep in mind I am but one erotic laborer slinging pleasure—these desires are not universal.
- Check in with love and support.
- Listen more than you talk about my work.
- Include sex workers in the marginalized groups of people you aim to be in solidarity with.
- Acknowledge that you may not fully understand, and be open to learning.
- Check your assumptions. The things you think you know about sex work may not align with lived experience.
- Sit with how your beliefs have been shaped by culture—movies, articles, books, and online posts. Consider how these depictions might be shaped by the colonial, patriarchal laws we live under. Can you stretch beyond these external concepts? Legality is not morality.
There is a clear correlation between stigma and microaggressions toward sex workers in interpersonal relationships under criminalization. While education is the solution, in the United States the types of sex work that are stigmatized the most are criminalized. Given the most effective educator would be one who can openly speak about their lived experience to a wide audience, it feels like a bit of a trap—and one, I believe, designed purposely. Limited, ignorant and sometimes aggressive beliefs toward us help to reinforce stigma, which upholds the idea of a need to criminalize the work. This works in the reverse order as well; the laws reinforce microaggressions and stigma.
We need our civilian allies to suspend their conditioned narratives to meet us where we are at. To see and honor that we are doing work that is valuable, important, and magical—but also simultaneously, just work. To respect the definitions we create for ourselves and to not try to make us into a monolith in order to understand better. To not risk losing friends, lovers and comrades who might have important insights, skills and understanding to teach you about.
We are not doomed. I take solace in the fact that I am engaged in the oldest profession in the world and the days of this patriarchal empire we live under are numbered. We will, as we always have, find ways to go underground in our dispersal of information. We will, as we always have, find ways to safely educate; from modeling with those closest to us to anonymous dispersal of information. We have existed throughout the ages through many different empires, in conditions and cultures of reverence and repulsion.
We have existed and found ways to survive even when we are thrust between the two opposing sentiments.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
