Have you ever been having a casual conversation with someone and thought it’d be fun to ask them what their five year plan is? Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your definitions of ‘casual’ and ‘fun.’ People often find it appropriate to ask me, a sex worker, about how I plan on surviving and making a living in the future, and boy, doesn’t just kill my mood. This kind of question feels more at home in a college or job interview, two things I have successfully avoided over the past decade or so. And yet, I’m still asked to lay out my future goals for clients, friends, and acquaintances alike. This question may seem harmless or even valid, but when posed to a sex worker it can carry certain connotations that feel invasive and condescending. Even a little gleeful.
I can see where the curiosity comes from, as I’ve had the same question for myself. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spent nights laying awake in bed wondering ‘what the fuck am I gonna do with my life?!’ I know this isn’t a worry exclusive to sex workers, but our industry isn’t exactly known for its longevity. Although, the idea that sex work has an age limit is false! There’s a misconception that sex workers have to hang up their heels the second the clock strikes midnight on our 40th birthday, but many work well beyond that point and are more than able to support themselves doing so. A sex worker’s worth doesn’t evaporate with their youth, not even monetarily. Plenty of clients are seeking older providers; there’s a niche for everything in this business. That being said, there are certainly new obstacles to face as an older sex worker, and personally I’m not sure I want to stay in the industry that long.
People often find it appropriate to ask me, a sex worker, about how I plan on surviving and making a living in the future, and boy, doesn’t just kill my mood.
Here’s the thing: this question is personal. It’s normal for me to wonder what I’ll do next. I began doing sex work as a way to supplement my freelance writing and performing career that wasn’t quite making ends meet. Ended up doing it full time after the pandemic hit and had me feeling disillusioned with my previous career path. The question of what I will do with my future is one I certainly have to consider, but it’s really not a lot of other people’s business. And while the person asking this question may not mean it to be insulting, it does often feel like it’s delegitimizing what I’m doing right now. It’s not uncommon for clients to ask us “what else” we do, a lot of us just say we are in grad school or are an artist on the side – and many of us are – in order to appease the fantasy that we’re more than just a whore, or that they’re helping us pay for school.
Asking sex workers what they plan to do once they “age out” of the industry stems from the twin ideas that sex work cannot possibly be the only thing one wants to do, and that one cannot possibly be successful at it later in life. This is not only false, but rooted in sexism, ageism and whorephobia. There’s an obnoxious saying among whorephobes, “No little girl dreams of growing up to be a prostitute.” While you may not have this same attitude, it is one sex workers face everyday. And questions about our future prospects, our future value, may not go down well. At best, it’s just boring conversation. At worst, it’s invasive and rude, making me feel like shit. When people hear that I’m a sex worker, they usually have a million questions, a lot of them invasive. If you really that curious want to talk about sex workers and our future, I suggest looking into the movement to fully decriminalize sex work and what it is you can do to help. Discuss systems of care that we could be setting up to protect sex workers. Work to ensure our access to more stable working and living conditions– which will help relieve much of the stress generated working in an industry that doesn’t provide insurance or a 401k. That’s a much more interesting, productive and appropriate conversation. I can panic over my future alone, in the comfort of my own home, thank you.
The question of what I will do with my future is one I certainly have to consider, but it’s really not a lot of other people’s business.
Having your work, your identity, constantly invalidated, interrogated and dismissed does not feel great. It is, afterall, straight up insulting. We should be seen as amazing, talented, fully realised people. Regardless of whether or not we spend our free time pursuing more socially accepted interests. Just being a whore is more than enough. Whores rock. And we’re so, so tired of having to defend our humanity.
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