Before being diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS), I was told that I was just being lazy. I still get that from people sometimes, and even though I know it’s not the case, even I believed for a while that it was just laziness. Internalized ableism is a big problem for disabled and chronically ill people, including me, and advocating for myself is one of the hardest things to do – especially because I'm often tired or experiencing a flare-up from my POTS or EDS. Working as a Dominatrix can sometimes be hard if I don't accommodate myself, so I've learned a couple things that can help.
There's no shame in doing a session, full or in part, sitting down– it can even make it more intimate. You can spank just fine from a sitting position if you find the right angles! You don't need to be standing up to humiliate, engage in sensory play, or make your sub take orders: you can still be in a position of power even if you're not physically standing above them.
Taking care of myself by drinking electrolytes and eating salt from time to time during sessions helps me to avoid pre-syncopes (fainting spells), if I’ve been standing up for a while. It also helps me remind my subs to stay hydrated too. The physical effort to do a session can be very hard on my disabilities, but compared to other kinds of work, it's the most viable and joyful job I've had.
Internalized ableism is a big problem for disabled and chronically ill people, including me, and advocating for myself is one of the hardest things to do.
It's easy to get symptom flare-ups from performing a session, even if you take preventative measures. I sometimes need to rest for a few days after a session and try to not beat myself up for it. Imposter syndrome is really common for disabled people, including myself as a disabled Dominatrix, but it's even harder when people say, “you can do anything you want if you put your mind into it!” As a disabled Dominatrix, I know that's not always true. The world is not made for disabled people and that comes with some limitations for us. Sometimes it's hard just getting out of bed and not many able bodied people can understand that.
I find it fascinating that I often don't have the energy to go out and get my groceries, but because I feel so passionate about BDSM, it can be easier to do a session than any other activity. I can be really tired the day before, but being excited to do a session helps a lot with my level of energy – even if I'm not symptom free. This doesn't mean that it can't be hard or not viable to do a session because of my symptoms, but that it is easier to engage in something I find fulfilling and even restorative, than something more like a chore.
A BDSM session can be something really physically and mentally intense. Being neurodivergent, having POTS and EDS, can really affect how you perform, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing! There's a lot of options for how to do a session that is comfortable and safe for you and your disability. I've learned that I have to care for myself in the same way I care for my subs and their well-being. I wouldn't push a physical or mental limit that could be harmful for them, so I shouldn't do it with myself either. Taking care of yourself is also a way of taking care of the people around you.
People say, “you can do anything you want if you put your mind into it!” As a disabled Dominatrix, I know that's not always true.
Being a marginalized and disabled person also helps a lot with my empathy for my subs. Knowing they are complex and have their own struggles is important, even if they want to be treated like objects. Subs are much more than just toys to play with, and taking care of their vulnerability and possible physical or mental diversity is vital for a good session and integral to being a good dom. Being a Dominatrix is not just about playing with or torturing subs, it's also about having the capacity to care for them before, during, and after the session.
I've tried working in a lot of different ways and I've come to the conclusion that being a Dominatrix is the most friendly job for my disabilities. I can sit down whenever I want, I can work at my own pace, I can rest in between sessions. I’m able to take care of my mental health, create whatever accommodations I need, and I don't have to work a 10 hour shift doing something that doesn't fulfill me like BDSM does. I haven't received any complaints about how I perform, and I think it's because doing something that I'm passionate about means I work hard to do it the best I can – being both caring and sadistic, depending on the sub and the occasion, just like they deserve.
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