On the first day of December, I woke up at eleven in the morning but felt as though I’d barely slept. My calendar was full of bookings and social gatherings but I didn’t want to leave the house. And when every ‘ding’ on my work phone should have filled me with enthusiasm, instead I found myself avoiding my messages, too worn out to reply to another time-waster.
Burnout becomes a real problem for me at the end of the year, where months of frantic pre-Christmas work collide with social obligations and the oppressive sense of time passing far too quickly. By the time other people are talking about their New Year’s resolutions in January, I’m barely keeping my shit together. So, this year, I’m reminding myself of the value of self care.
The term 'self-care' was first used in the 1950s, describing a process by which people who struggle with mental health could build self-worth. The idea was politicized in the 1960s by Black civil rights activists - particularly the Black Panther Party - who saw looking after oneself as an essential element of community care. Taking self-care seriously meant avoiding activist burnout and preserving the skills and energy of the individual for the good of the whole.
In modern times, ‘self-care’ has been appropriated by the Western wellness industry to mean indulgence or pampering. But let’s forget about massages, champagne and expensive beauty products, and return to the idea that self-care is the first step in caring for our community. We owe it to ourselves to minimise burnout and maximize our wellbeing, so we can support our friends and fellow workers.
Self-care isn’t always fun or relaxing. In her 1988 essay collection A Burst of Light, Black activist, feminist, and poet Audre Lorde writes, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” Often, this means drawing boundaries, changing the things in your life that aren’t working, and completing the difficult tasks that you’ve previously avoided. It’s not a one-size-fits-all approach. It’s about figuring out what you need, and making it happen.
As I segue out of a year of stress and drama, I’m focusing on radical self-care. Here’s what I’m doing for myself so that I can bounce back in January.
1. Spending time alone
Over the years, I’ve discovered that decompressing is only possible when I have quiet time. It’s almost as if I need time to get ‘bored’ - I need to skip social obligations, put work aside and simply sit in silence until the jumbled mess of months past resolves itself into a coherent story. Journaling - putting my thoughts and worries down on paper - has proven really useful during this time. I’m a big fan of narrative therapy, a kind of counselling where participants construct their own story of the past to help inform their future endeavours. This process is magically aided by being outdoors in nature. So I’ll be taking my sketchbook to the park, for as long as the warm weather lasts.
2. Abandoning the diet and exercise routine
There’s often a lot of pressure in the sex work industry to look conventionally attractive. This pressure doesn’t necessarily come from peers! But when all you see on social media are curated images of beautiful workers, and bookings are a little thin on the ground, it’s easy to worry that we’re falling behind because we don’t meet some sort of mystical beauty standard.
The pressure to police our diets and our bodies can be extreme. Personally, I love having a regular exercise routine, but it doesn't always feel fun when there's a lot going on. So instead of trying to diet my way through the holiday season, I’m giving myself a break. I'm reminding myself that nobody looks exactly like their advertising photos. Almost everybody has weight fluctuations, wobbly bits and sweet cravings. And if I want to start the new year feeling happy and friendly then I need to take a break, and eat some cake. And whatever else I want.
I’d like to remind myself that what feels good is probably good for me.
3. Making a new session playlist
New music for the new year! I’m dumping the old stuff (which I’m thoroughly sick of by now) and spending an afternoon finding fresh tracks to play during my sex work sessions. Some workers put together ‘mixtapes’ of various lengths, so that they know how much time has passed based on which song is playing. I’m a little less organised; I just enjoy finding music that makes me feel happy, relaxed and sexy.
Don’t be afraid to ask for recommendations. On a recent road trip with an escort buddy, I remarked on some of the albums they had on the car stereo. Keen to share their favourite music, they treated me to a two-hour extravaganza and even made me a Spotify playlist of new music that they thought I’d enjoy. When playlists can be made public and shared, there’s no excuse for us all not to have hours and hours of worker-recommended music for our paid sexytimes.
4. Going on a wardrobe thrifting expedition
I’ve found that the new year is an excellent time to go thrifting. Once rich folks’ closets are cleaned out after Christmas, much of it can be found at my local charity store, sometimes with the tags still attached! I’ve scored many items from otherwise expensive labels - dresses, coats, shoes and more. For someone on a budget, thrift shopping is a great way to refresh your working wardrobe.
Buying second-hand allows me to take fashion risks. That purple coat might not be a wise choice when it’s new on the rack for six hundred dollars, but it’s an easy decision when it’s discounted to twenty! As someone who has suffered more than one self-inflicted fashion disaster, it’s reassuring to know that if my attempts to put together an outfit don’t quite work, I can donate everything back to the store it came from and only be out of pocket by fifty bucks.
5.Giving my space a makeover
Okay, this may sound weird, but stay with me. I’m planning on rearranging my furniture.
Our brains sometimes become a little stuck - we get so used to our everyday routine that we forget how to do things differently. Like rats in a cage, we lack enrichment…and boredom sets in. An interior makeover - whether it’s for your home or your incall - can get your neurons firing again. Rearranging your sofa or grabbing a new throw rug (perhaps from a thrift store, if you’re on a budget?) can change the feel of your space and give you a new outlook.
I also find the process very soothing. After a hectic year of pandemics, job uncertainty and nasty weather, turning my bed to face the other wall makes me feel that I have control over a tiny bit of space in my life.
6. Getting back into the sex-positive bubble
There’s a certain Hallmark idea of what this time of year should look like - and my life doesn’t live up to it. No snow, no joyful family reunions by the fire, and definitely no bearded man coming down my chimney (unless that’s some sort of double entendre).
After a December filled with awkward family interactions, it’s comforting to reconnect with the people that understand and support me. This is my ‘bubble’ - the sex-positive friends who understand and celebrate my sex work career. I’m planning coffee dates with my doubles partners, quiet hangs with fellow neurodivergent mates, and sex-nerd chats with my fellow writers and educators.
Being reminded that my work is valid feels like a hot shower after a long, hard hike in the outback. I can’t wait to wash off all that Christmas weirdness and normativity, and get back to being the delightful pervert that I am.
7. Sorting the condom drawer
I’ve never been very good at traditional meditation, but I do enjoy a good tidying session. One way I like to process the past year of work is to sort through my supplies drawer, throw out any expired condoms, and tidy everything up. Sure, it’ll probably be a month or two before work gets busy again, but it’s nice to know that my supplies are well-organised and ready. That way, once the bookings start rolling in, I can grab my toy bag and safer sex purse, and head out the door without delay.
Because I’m a neat freak, I like to have a little ‘packing list’ for various job types to make sure I don’t forget essential items such as lube, massage oil, and my much-loved silk blindfold. This year, I’m packing all the toys for each style of session in a separate Ziploc bag, so I can simply grab and go.
8. Letting go of things that didn’t go well
Sex work can be a grind during the tricky times, and there’s a lot of stress and pressure associated with being a small businessperson. We often concentrate more on our failures than successes, and sometimes I arrive at the end of the year feeling as though I’ve only just managed to keep afloat.
I find it’s useful to consciously let go of the things that didn’t work out. Even write them on a piece of paper and set them on fire, perhaps? Instead of counting each one as a mistake, I’ll be asking myself, “What did I fail at impressively this year?” After all, it’s not what we succeed that shows our true character! It’s what we attempt.
Once I’ve let go of that stuff, I’ll try to recall a few things that I did succeed at, and things I’m grateful for. Balancing out the successes and failures - and giving myself permission to be unbalanced, if that’s how it went - helps me to start the new year with less emotional baggage.
Self care looks different for everyone.
I wouldn’t dream of telling someone else how to do their hair and makeup, or what sort of clients to see. Likewise, I’d never assume I know what’s best for my fellow workers when it comes to de-stressing and avoiding burnout. I don’t expect all my ideas above to resonate with you. But I do know that burning out is a constant danger for all of us, and that it’s worth avoiding it if you can.
I have a friend who says, “Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm”. No matter how we choose to look after ourselves, we need to acknowledge how important it is…and that we’re worthy of care and kindness, even from ourselves. Happy new year!
