There’s a popular joke I’ve seen a few variations of on social media that boils down to, “how can I get a sugar daddy without having to give him any sugar?” It has a nice ring to it and I see the humor – although it doesn’t add up semantically, since the sugar in question is the money from the client, not the services provided by the sex worker – but I digress. And sure, it’s just a joke, but it comes from an attitude I encounter a lot when talking to civilians about the sex industry. They’re intrigued by my job and either vocalize that they could “never do that”, or immediately start thinking aloud about how they could or should start doing it. There’s rarely any in between. It’s totally fine to be genuinely curious about and want to do sex work – we all started there, after all – but the way people say it so flippantly can imply that it’s an easy job to jump into, or that anyone could simply pick it up at the drop of a hat.
A lot of the people interested in and curious about, doing sex work also ask if there’s a way that they could do it without having to do the sex part. That’s that sugar baby without the “sugar” thing again. First of all, not really? And it depends on your definition of ‘sex’, doesn’t it? Sex work is an intimate experience regardless. With or without penetrative sexual intercourse. I personally believe it’s incredibly rare to find anyone that sugars or escorts or does any other form of sex work, without doing anything that could be considered sexual, intimate, kink, or fetish related. Secondly, asking a sex worker if their job is possible without the sex part, can delegitimize their work, while also reinforcing shitty whorearchical stereotypes about exchanging sexual services for money. The sex(ual) part is what makes us sex workers, and we constantly have to defend that. If you don’t want to do the sex part, you maybe don’t want to do sex work. You’d rather do vanilla, above board work – and that’s totally fine – but please stay in your lane. Respectfully.
It’s totally fine to be genuinely curious about and want to do sex work – we all started there, after all – but the way people say it so flippantly can imply that it’s an easy job to jump into.
“Sex work is work” (Carol Leigh, 1978), is an important motto. Society does not recognize our labor as such, and this general attitude keeps our jobs criminalized and us marginalized. The reality is that many people do not take sex workers seriously, and that is reflected in how civilians so often want to joke about or flirt with the idea of quitting their boring jobs and entering sex work. As if it’s that easy? And wouldn’t require just as much if not more work than their current profession? Wild. We see this in the constant tweets that joke, “I’m going to start an onlyfans, but it’s just me eating pizza.” The labor we do is repeatedly reduced to a joke or punchline, and it’s disrespectful, annoying, and honestly deeply unimaginative.
Starting sex work is a huge commitment, and comes with a lot of risks you have to be aware of and willing to take. Even if you take all of the precautions in the world to keep it private, it’s very likely that people in your life will find out, especially if you are doing online sex work. You can be judged, shamed, and even ostracized. Unfortunately, the world we live in is still very whorephobic and you will experience that whorephobia firsthand. For many of us, it is worth it – sex work is the profession that works best for us and our lives – but to see people consider it without seriousness feels both belittling and frustrating. Your imagined pizza-eating onlyfans will take a substantial amount of marketing, social media savvy, and time, to gain a following. And you will likely be frustrated by how long it takes you to make any money with that amount of work. Surprise, sex work isn’t easy money.
Many people do not take sex workers seriously, and that is reflected in how civilians so often want to joke about or flirt with the idea of quitting their boring jobs and entering sex work.
Sex work is being talked about more casually than ever, to the point that some argue it is being normalized. Pole fitness has become a popular hobby and workout regimen, the stripper aesthetic is being co-opted by celebrities and everyday civilians, and the words “whore” and “slut” are being “reclaimed” by people of all genders who have never worked as one professionally. While people still aren’t comfortable pushing for the decriminalization of sex work, they certainly seem to be okay with pinching certain aspects of our lifestyle. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve endured a group of women celebrating a bachelorette at the strip club, watching them get up and shake their own asses, throw dollar bills on each other, and sometimes even try to get on stage – all without tipping the actual strippers. Civilians want to be a part of it all, but not really. They want to take and enjoy from a safe enough distance where they don’t actually have to commit to, or even acknowledge, the realities of being a sex worker. They want the sugar and the glamourized image that has come from the so-called normalization of sex work, but they don’t want to give any sugar to get it. They want to show off their pole tricks without paying homage to the sex workers who invented them. Playing dress – up and that is just not how it works.
It’s okay to be curious about sex work and to have genuine interest in entering the field. Of course it is. It’s not okay to want to take from the sex work community without giving back. If you want to experience the world of sugar without having to give of yourself, go to a strip club and throw money on the strippers! Get involved in the movement to decriminalize sex work! Hire a sex worker! Just stop joking about our jobs as if they’re just that – a joke. As sex workers, we are constantly having to defend our job just because it includes sex. Please stop making us do that.
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