Before I became an escort, I worked as a Dominatrix in a dungeon. When I first started, I had dazzling introductions to the toys and tools lining the dark, sultry basement rooms in which I spent much of my time. Yet, that was barely a taste. There was still so much to learn - and as Dominatrices told me time and time again, being an experienced kink practitioner is a lifelong learning journey. Wanting to learn more about using whips, canes and the more intense equipment safely, and not wanting to confuse the Violet Wand for a dildo, I took to researching local Dominatrices I could undergo further training with.
I found one I thought would be perfect: her dungeon was close to me (relatively speaking, for London, anyway!); she was experienced in training new mistresses; and she mentioned the importance of nurturing each mistress’s unique qualities. After all, each Dominatrix is individual. Although I had a comprehensive understanding of my own kinky self, I still wanted to hone what would make me a unique Domme, different from the many talented beautiful women around me in the industry.
The Dominatrix I met was utterly charming, with a wealth of stories to share about her submissives. In fact, one of them was in the corner, forming a piece of human furniture atop which our martinis sat. I was taken by her command of feminine power, and noticed that she had honed her unique qualities very well. Once we had gotten to know each other, and gone over the essentials, I started to delve deeper. I asked if she could help me narrow down exactly what was individual about me as a Mistress. Unfortunately, I was taken aback by her answer. “Put on a veil and advertise as an Indian princess! You’ll do very well that way.”
I asked if she could help me narrow down exactly what was individual about me as a Mistress. Unfortunately, I was taken aback by her answer.
I was taken aback because I’d never really considered myself this way. Obviously, I was aware that I was South Asian, but I’d never seen myself through the lens of what I considered to be, antiquated sexual stereotypes. Besides, I’d had a British upbringing - hardly ‘Indian princess’ material. The lovers I’d had - both vanilla, and kinkily submissive - had been from all walks of life. While we enjoyed sharing cultural aspects of ourselves with each other - especially food from our regional backgrounds - this was only part of a larger, more fully rounded process of getting to know each other, emotionally and physically.
As I was speaking to a more experienced Dominatrix, I felt perhaps I should heed her advice. Looking back, I understand the principle of what she was trying to say, and there is truth in it. Sex work in all its forms, including both escorting and dommeing, is an increasingly saturated, competitive industry. It is wise to acknowledge what makes us stand out. This is partly for marketing – having distinctive photos, copy, not to mention SEO – in a keyword and image dominated market can be the difference between having no presence, and a great one. And of course, there are plenty of clients who seek out Indian escorts and Mistresses - so perhaps marketing so explicitly is a surefire way to find them. It's possibly a more reliable business.
At the same time, there is value in not marketing in a way that feels like a caricature. Yes, many of us are of colour, or curvy, or fit into other notable ‘categories’ of sex workers. But we also have many other distinguishable traits that help us stand out. As much as I’m Indian, I’m also a book-lover. Many of my colleagues market themselves as ‘BBW’ on advertising sites – and are also wonderful cooks and avid sports fans. When marketing in the sex industry, there’s wonderful value in marketing qualities that help us stand out, rather than just a list of attributes. After all, its personality as much as physicality matching with your ideal client, that ensures a mutually pleasurable booking. Which in turn, is the key to a more sustainable and happy career.
There is value in not marketing in a way that feels like a caricature.
Caught between these two ways of considering myself and my marketing, I decided to go with my gut; I decided to do what felt most comfortable. I do, of course, highlight that I am a curvy British-Indian escort. As a result, I often see clients who are of colour themselves. Or, clients who have never been with an Indian woman and always wanted to! Either way, I often get to share parts of myself I really enjoy with them. Connecting over food, literature and music relevant to myself and my dates’ cultures has been a wonderful way to build long-lasting relationships. At the same time, I emphasise other unique qualities about myself, such as my love of the theatre. So, I also cultivate clients for whom my ethnicity is less important, but do have a connection with me on other, equally interesting grounds.
Looking back on my experience with the Dominatrix I met, I’m glad I followed my gut. This approach has rewarded me with a fulfilling and more long-term career, than doing something that didn’t feel intuitive would have. I feel this is the key to navigating advertising your race as a sex worker of colour. There really is no wrong answer, but you have to stick with what feels right for you. In fact, for all of us, there will be some qualities that we want to emphasise because it attracts the kinds of clients we love, and other qualities we might want to emphasise less. Sex workers of colour are all the more free to make that distinction, whether that means we advertise our race or not.
Ultimately, I’m grateful to the Dominatrix I spoke with. In a roundabout way, I got a huge insight into the kind of escort and Domme I truly love to be. Since then, I haven’t had any mishaps with the Violet Wand – and I’ve made some wonderful connections along the way.
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