As a pro Dom, fetish performer, and kink educator, the most common question I get from both clients and other sex workers is a surprising one: how do I get started in kink?
It’s a bit of a loaded question – since kink itself is such a broad umbrella, I really have to sit each person down and ask them what they want from it. For some sex workers, it's a potential avenue to broaden their services. Kink and fetish is becoming increasingly popular as it's shown in mainstream media of all kinds, which can make it less taboo. But there is a steep learning curve to fetish, whether for pleasure or profit. Some workers want to explore fetish in their personal time, as a way to explore their body and intimacy that doesn’t make them feel like they are engaging in work at home. I also have clients who ask me how to learn more and how to engage in their local kink communities. Sometimes it’s because they are after a fetish I do not offer as a service, for example, some are switches, but I do not bottom or play submissive for clients. Sometimes they just want more kink in their lives now that they have had a taste.
The answer in all these scenarios is surprisingly the same: research and munches.
Now, don’t groan at me, I love setting homework. You’ll only trigger my sadistic pleasure. Research is paramount if you want to be involved in fetish on any level. For work, for pleasure, at home in private with your partner, or wanting to dive into the local kink community of public parties and events. Research. You need to learn about your kinks. What do you like, what are your personal boundaries and limits? What kinds of kinks do you want to do as a top or bottom or switch? What gets you going as a fantasy but maybe not actually in real life? Trust me, there is always something that sounds hot as a fantasy but just does not work once you try it in practice, and that’s ok. Once we’ve established that, we then need to research how to do them as safely as possible.
There is a steep learning curve to fetish, whether for pleasure or profit.
All kink, like all sex and all sport, has some risks. It is my personal ethos to do everything in my control to minimise those risks as much as possible, but it's not always possible. If so, I need to make the decision if the risks I can’t mitigate are likely to occur, and if the potential consequences are worth it. There are a bunch of acronyms used in the kink community worldwide that touch on this topic, with kinksters of all kinds debating their merits endlessly. R.A.C.K (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and P.R.I.C.K (Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink are just two you might see floating around.
But Kitty! How do I research? Where do I find this information? How can I trust what has been said on the internet?
Well, dear reader, this is where the second part comes in: munches.
A munch is a casual social event, often held at a café, bar, or restaurant for like-minded people to meet and talk, usually while enjoying a meal – hence the term munch. Going to a munch for kinksters (I make that distinction because there are also munches for polyamory folk and various other alternative lifestyles) means you can chat with other people about kink and kinks. More importantly, you can chat about resources for learning! There is an absolute wealth of knowledge out there, from books to podcasts, audiobooks, online blogs (like this one!), webcomics, and articles. Not to mention workshops, conventions, weekly classes, and skillshares for in-person learning. Munches are an excellent way to discuss all of these resources, to find new ones that suit your specific kink/s, to get recommendations for educators, or to discuss resources and what did and did not make sense to you.
Of course, there is the added benefit of meeting new friends as well! Munches are a great way to step into the local kink community, not just for research purposes or to make new friends, but also to find out about other kink events happening. Because it is a casual social event there is no pressure to try anything, do anything, or even spend money on an event/outfit/toy that might be outside your comfort zone.
Munches are a great way to step into the local kink community, not just for research purposes or to make new friends.
The great thing about munches is that there are often more than one kind (at least in metropolitan areas), which means you can really narrow it down to find like minded people. There are over 40’s munches, under 35’s munches, all ages (18+) munches. Munches for nerds who love gaming as much as they love kink. There are munches for specific kinds of fetishes like pet play, latex lovers, leather, and more. Munches for sex workers, munches for professionals, munches for Queers! Munches are an absolutely untapped resource of incredible people who LOVE to share their knowledge and make new friends.
Most munches are organised by community members on a not-for-profit basis. They create a munch with free attendance, just to give people who are interested in fetish a way to talk about it in an accessible way. It can be extremely nerve wracking going to a kink event, class, or nightclub for the first time without knowing anyone! There are also some munches with added extras – perhaps a performance or a skills demo by a local community member or educator. Maybe they have organised to close a small bar or café, closed to the public for added privacy for the munch. Some include meals, drinks, or games like bingo and thus might incur a small ticket price to cover the costs associated with these extras. Every munch will have a different benefit, so it’s worthwhile checking a few out.
So, how do we find a munch? What is the social etiquette?
Thankfully, one of the benefits of the rise in popularity of kink and fetish in the mainstream consciousness, is that it's no longer a slog to find information on how to go to a munch. Gone are the days of tiny personalised ads in the classified sections of a newspaper or specialty magazine, or stumbling across the right person who can give you the password to a secret party at the risk of arrest. Munches can be found all over in casual settings. Not only are they advertised on Fetlife (think like Facebook for kinksters), but also on Facebook, Instagram and other social media sites. A quick google will help you narrow down if and when a munch is in your local area.
Munches for sex workers, munches for professionals, munches for Queers! Munches are an absolutely untapped resource of incredible people.
The kink community has some pretty solid social behaviour rules across the board, regardless of what kind of event you go to. For example, don’t touch people, including a hug hello, without asking first. Don’t out anybody without permission – just because you got to know a rad new friend at a munch doesn’t mean that person wants all their social circle to know they are kinky. Or heaven forbid, their family or boss! Unfortunately, despite the mainstream popularity, kinks are still considered taboo, deviant sexual practices. In some areas around the world it is still illegal and treated harshly by law enforcement. I live in Australia and here any form of BDSM that results in bodily harm, like spanking that leaves bruises, is still illegal. This is complicated further by state by state regulations, as there is no definitive federal legislation on the matter. While we might not suffer police raids regularly, there are many reasons why a person might want to keep their kink life separate from their “vanilla” life.
Individual munches will often have their own specific social etiquette written clearly in the event description, but here are some basic guidelines that will serve you well. Keep it casual and light hearted. This applies to clothes and forms of address, there’s no need to call everyone Sir or Miss, or Mistress on arrival! Think lunch catch up or coffee date with friends. Don’t go yelling about fisting or other kinks at the top of your lungs. Again, think of lunch chats with friends at a public place. Do be polite when introducing yourself and check in with the munch organiser and/or host. They will happily introduce you to a few people, update you on any rules they have about the munch, and point you in the right direction if you have any questions. If you're a sex worker looking to add kink to your services, decide beforehand if you want to introduce yourself under your worker name or a different name. I wouldn’t go in guns blazing, face out, advertising your services, but at the same time don’t feel like you have to hide it either – unless you want to of course! There are many of us who are kinksters both professionally and in our private lives, there’s room for all of us and all the ways we show up.
For anyone who might want to learn more about kink, from clients to my sex worker peers I highly recommend a munch. Have fun!
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