Trigger Warning for age play
I am always and forever a mom. When I am home, I am “on” as a mom. My baby uses my body as food and I as mother have sacrificed my body for such a purpose. As a Domme who also plays as a mommy Domme, where breastfeeding clients is common, I think about how I can give myself without it being as intimate as it is with my own child.
Autonomy
At one point, I thought I could breastfeed others and not think anything of it. Before having a child, I was such a different person when it came to how I used my body and even how I perceived certain kinks.
With my child, I can breastfeed and feel love but with clients it seems like breastfeeding is too intimate for me, I get nervous at the thought. My brain has made suckling synonymous with my child and my brain's response to breastfeeding anyone else is, “Who are you? You’re not my baby!” The closest I could possibly come to breastfeeding a client is hand expressing or pumping milk.
My body is being rented out by my baby and my clients. When I’m not with my child I am with a client and vice versa. Having personal time is truly a luxury. “When am I using my body for my own wishes?” I’m not sure.
Motherhood and self worth
Becoming a mother has made me value my own time so much more. I don’t think I would have delved into professional domination as early as I have if I hadn’t had a child. This new role I possess, propels me forward each day. I am no nonsense when it comes to clients that are time wasters because I have to put food on the table. Before I was a mother, things felt more lighthearted but now there is more at stake. My new role made me take things more seriously. I now seek out mentors and teachers that help me to navigate the spaces that I want to/do occupy and invest in myself/my business. If I don’t feed my passions, who will?
As a Black Caribbean woman, I have to protect my value and show others that it is high. I have to defend my value more so as a mother, at a time when motherhood is seen as career death. Women in the African diaspora are undervalued and highly sought after, that’s a recipe for being taken advantage of. Despite all the red-pill mysogynior propaganda that has been spread in recent years, I continue to set my value high.
Despite this, I still have feelings of unworthiness. I’m a mom, I’m supposed to be sacrificing and missing out right? “Where do these feelings come from?” The answer is many generations of women who had to put their lives on pause because they were told they would be bad mothers otherwise.
Independence of a mother
Coming from a home full of “get it done” women is no joke. “Where there is a will there's a way,” and I take that saying to heart. As a mother, I often find myself doing everything. Being independent doesn’t mean I don’t need help, it means I am used to not getting help. I have seen the women in my family get no help from their partners, they bear the load effortlessly and I’ve internalized it. For so long I could never depend on a single soul but in my time training a service submissive, I learned that I can let go of the reins. Service subs have helped me to relax in my day to day life. I have ease knowing that I don’t need to be so strong and independent because there is someone there that is happy to help me. “It’s okay if you don’t want to help me, my sub will.”
The “Perfect” mother is Selfish
Usually, being a mom means not coming first AND putting yourself last. Honestly, I always think of myself first. You can say I’m selfish and I will consider it a compliment. Putting myself first ensures that my child is in a good place. If I am healthy and happy then in turn my child will be, since I will have the energy for them.
I also feel selfish because I am chasing my passion. As a mother, it can feel like I am not doing what is best for my family, but I bet on myself every time. In my power exchange play, I see parallels. No mother is perfect, I will not play the role of a mom that is making breakfast in the morning and smiling all the time. I already do that everyday and guess what? I need a change of scenery.
In my play with clients, I am a sensually sadistic mother. I love being selfish and fulfilling my own needs and wants before the sub/client can even be allowed to think of their own. Even when I do give a bit of care or a piece of myself to my clients, it has a catch. I love to see my clients yearn, crawl, beg for mother, trying to appeal to her scarce gentle side.
Let’s marry the topics of breastfeeding, autonomy and selfishness. Since I am constantly being sucked on by a baby, I feel very selfish with my nipples. When I am with a client, my body is (almost) finally mine, so breast feeding denial is incredibly liberating for me.
A fantasy of mine: my sub, having finally completed a near-impossible task that I have given them, wants one reward: my freshly pumped milk. They are on their knees, waiting like a desperate dog for their due. I pour the milk on the floor.
This is such a potent fantasy. In my current role, I’m a literal food source, and denying my well to someone who wants it makes me feel like I have control back.
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