When I made the shift from the straight world to the sex work industry, I wasn’t worried about losing friends or family due to this choice. Over the years, I have culled my circle of friends and family to detach from those who aren’t supportive of me being myself. Which is why it came as such a shock to me when my best friend and Queer Platonic Relationship (QPR) partner ended our relationship because I decided to become a sex worker.
I use the term QPR to describe my relationship with my friend—let’s call her Kathy—because it was more than just a friendship. QPR is a term used mostly in the polyamorous community to describe a deeply bonded relationship that is non-romantic. Kathy and I had relationship agreements between each other like in a romantic relationship. She was embedded in most areas of my day-to-day life. Our main agreements were, first, we saw each other at least twice a week and, second, if there were ever any issues between us, we would be direct and communicate about them.
We’d been in each other’s lives for years. We would go grocery shopping together once a week. I cooked and ate meals with her and her kids. We were basically family and spent holidays together. I watched cheesy holiday romcoms with her as we unwrapped our stockings with her kids on Christmas. She was the most important person in my life. We jokingly called each other the other’s emotional support human. She appreciated my differences and eccentricities and seemed to always try to understand me. This made her rejection of me feel even more like a betrayal. The one thing I always counted on her for had vanished.
Over the years, I have culled my circle of friends and family to detach from those who aren’t supportive of me being myself.
Kathy, more than anyone, saw how my health was suffering due to my professional life in my former career. She knew about my plan to launch a career in sex work for months before I started my journey. She witnessed as I gradually tested out different areas to see what worked for me and what didn’t. She was the person I talked to first about everything. About my first cam show, my first phone sex call, then my first in-person session. She watched my career develop as I fulfilled my dream of owning my own business and working for myself.
At first, Kathy was entertained by my stories. But I watched her reactions slowly turn from lighthearted and playful to disinterested. I noticed myself telling her less and less about my daily experiences. I thought I felt her pulling away, but I also figured it was due to the life struggles that she was facing. If she needed to focus on herself more, then I would give her space to do so, I thought.
One day when we were on the way to the grocery store, we had a particularly uncomfortable exchange after I shared some of my work experiences. It became clear to me that there was something she wasn’t saying and we needed to have a conversation about it. We were in public and there wasn’t time to speak privately that day so we set up a time to chat a few days later, the day before Halloween. I wasn’t worried. I figured we just needed to clear the air and we would resolve everything.
I watched her reactions slowly turn from lighthearted and playful to disinterested.
Kathy told me that she had a moral issue with the work that I do because I am breaking the law (I’m not). My heart sank. She had always been sex-positive. We went to the swingers club together… She was my date to the Fetish Ball! I couldn’t process this information. How could she be judging me this way? It didn’t make sense. I was stunned. I did not expect the conversation to go this way. But there was no use in arguing and I felt myself shutting down with no words to respond. She had clearly already made up her mind and wasn’t looking to have a conversation. She was just breaking up with me.
She admitted that this was a violation of our relationship agreement because she didn’t tell me sooner. I wondered how long she’d been planning this breakup and secretly distancing herself from me. I looked around the room and saw the evidence of my love for her in the setting. All the little things I do for her to show I listen and remember and care. Acts of service to show my love.
I had baked her a cake for her birthday—her favorite kind, lemon—and served it to her with her favorite herbal chai tea. I put on the fake fire that she loved—a YouTube video of a fireplace, complete with crackling log sounds. I turned on the heat so it would be comfortable and folded a blanket for the couch because I know she always likes to have a blanket, even during the summer. She kept saying she was sorry and she loved me, but I couldn’t respond because I didn’t believe her. There was nothing for me to say. If you love me, then don’t judge me?
She went on to say that she still wanted a relationship but didn’t know what it would be. But why would I want to maintain a relationship with someone who was judging me and rejecting me in this way? She asked if I wanted her to leave or stay, and I responded, “I don’t think there’s anything left to say. I can’t tell you I understand, because I don’t.” I told her I thought it was time for her to go and walked her to the door. We said goodbye for the last time and I returned to the couch, feeling empty and alone. I stared at the fire, frozen, drinking the now lukewarm tea she didn’t drink, unable to move from the spot.
We said goodbye for the last time and I returned to the couch, feeling empty and alone.
That’s the last time I spoke with her. I’m still grieving the loss and piecing my life together. I’m still looking for a new steady grocery buddy. I have bounced around the stages of grief, like one does. From crushed, to angry, to petty, back to angry, and all over the map. I sobbed through most of Wicked: For Good (2025), with its themes of complicated friendships, saying goodbye, and new chapters. Especially during the song “For Good”, when Glinda sings about not knowing whether change was for the better but that it was surely “for good”.
Looking back, I can see she’d been preparing for this conversation for a while; slowly cutting me out of her life and pushing me away in different ways; building up friendships to replace me. It’s hard for me not to question everything—did she ever really love me? What I know for sure is that the love I felt for her was real and good and I do miss that.
Where I stand now is that I only want people in my life who support me and who are proud of me for my achievements. People who can see how much happier I am now that I’ve branched out on my own and are happy for me! I don’t need people who pick and choose the parts of me that they accept. The saying “Take what you like and leave the rest” may work when you are talking about ideas, but it doesn’t work with people. True friends support you in becoming your best self and don’t try to control or change you.
To other sex workers—if you’ve lost a friend or loved one due to your work, I am truly sorry. You don’t deserve such judgment or rejection. People will judge you. All you can do is control your reaction. Be proud of yourself for being courageous enough to walk the path less traveled. It takes bravery to do this kind of work! When someone judges you for doing something that isn’t hurting anyone, it says more about them than it does about you. Take care out there, and stay strong.
For more on sex work and relationships, see Surviving The Sea of Grief and Coming Out to Your Family.
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