When I first started domming, I found that all online guides to intimacy and kink pretty much said the same thing: get consent, use lube, and communicate. These were great basics, but they gave me next to zero information about what domming someone actually involved. To learn the basics of pegging, caning, and more, I turned to mentors in the community and books from the 80s I found on Ebay.
Although kink has become a little more mainstream (look at the kink parties regularly held at well known London venues!) there’s still not a lot out there for sex workers. That’s why I’ll be sharing my insights into domming over the next few articles. I’d like to make someone else’s journey less painful–or at least, more painful in the right way. And the first up in this series is the foundation of any BDSM session–how to plan a kink scene.
What even is a scene?
I’ve seen some people define a scene as the physical setting in which people do a specific act of BDSM. My definition’s a little different. It’s a period of time in which people come together to exchange power.
Plenty of my scenes fit the first definition. Typically, a submissive and I will meet for a set number of hours in a dungeon. We’ll have decided the specific kink we want to play with, and then largely do that. When the clock says so, we’ll come to a close. This is a wonderful way of doing BDSM, as it creates little pockets of time where two (or more!) people can come together to safely explore a specific desire before returning to the outside world.
To explain why I prefer the second definition, I’ll describe my other scenes. A submissive and I will meet for dinner. This is a fairly “normal” activity without a clock, and so BDSM becomes about our dynamic–not a specific act. Everything from the way I sit in my chair to the way I order his drink for him can become part of the scene. This scene doesn’t end when we leave the restaurant; it stretches to fit our dynamic as long we want it. It could end that night, with some play before bed, or continue overnight, with my sub sleeping on the floor and waking me up with breakfast.
When we understand just how many possibilities a scene can hold, we can connect to the kinky dynamics we actually want.
Scene dynamics
If you’ve decided you want to be in charge in your kink scene, you need to narrow down exactly how. There are many ways to be a dom: raising your voice and cracking a whip; being nurturing and firm like a teacher; acting sweet, bratty, and manipulative; being sarcastic and withdrawn like a cold ex; and so much more. Whatever you choose, you should follow what you are called to. Any kind of play has to connect to an authentic part of you. It’s rarely sustainable otherwise. I burnt myself out trying to be a “shouty” domme, before I realised that being my natural, softly spoken yet assertive self gave me much more power than anything else.
Once you’ve considered what kind of power you want to have, decide how you want to enact it. This is where your conversation with your sub about their desires will come into play. To give an example, my domme style is sensual, and many of my subs say they want to feel lost in worshipping a voluptuous woman, so our dynamics tend to be about me giving instructions, rewards, and punishments. For more advice on different types of play, I always recommend SM 101 by Jay Wiseman.
Don’t be afraid to ask insightful questions, such as:
- What’s the fantasy you haven’t been able to enjoy yet?
- What don’t you get to feel in your everyday life, that you wish you could?
- What’s your earliest sexual, or kinky memory?
- How did you react when you got in trouble as a child?
The deeper your understanding, the easier your dynamic will be to create.
It’s only through mutual agreement that power can be exchanged or taken away safely, so make sure you both talk about your understanding of consent. I personally don’t meet anyone who says they have “no limits” because if they can’t communicate what they don’t want, I won’t be able to provide what they do want. At best, this sets us both up to fail, and at worst, it can be dangerous. A dom checking in about consent doesn’t minimise domination, it creates a safe container for that domination. And whatever you decide, remember that you get a say in boundaries, too.
It’s when you both have these baselines in place, that you can add all the things that make a scene come alive.
An immersive experience
A scene is best when it is a 360 degree sensory experience, in which both dom and sub are immersed in the essence of the power exchange. By which I mean, the more thought you put into the set dressing, the better!
Think about where you’ll meet. It can be as simple as using dungeons for hardcore BDSM, and the bedroom for softcore, but you can also subvert that to add depth to your scene. When I started domming, I would see all my subs at the dungeon, including the ones who wanted hardcore pegging. I just assumed a dungeon was the kinkiest place to be. I soon realised that they preferred a bedroom, because their kink was about inverting what sex was supposed to be.
This is also a great way to think about outfits and equipment. They should feed into the essence of what you want to create with your sub. They should also make you feel powerful! I always wear my favourite black tulle robe because I love the way it shows glimpses of my skin. The kink world does have a certain “look”, such as latex and rubber, but you should be guided by what feels comfortable and good, not what you think you should wear.
How will you end?
The part that’s easiest to forget when planning a kink scene is what you’ll do right at the end. Consider what kind of aftercare, if any, you want to experience with your sub. You may want to continue the dynamic by being the one who provides aftercare to your sub. Or, you may want aftercare to be more mutual. It’s important to be aware of “sub drop” and “dom drop”, which are mental and physical states experienced after a scene. Either one of you may feel emotional, lightheaded, or simply tired. Whether your sub will be caring for you, or you’ll be doing self care at home, factor in time and space after your scene.
The world of kink is a kaleidoscope, and a scene can be anything you want it to be. With that in mind, the more you plan exactly what you want it to be, the more you’re likely to make those fantasies come true. Happy playing!
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