When I first started domming, I thought it had to be all about whips, chains, and pain. The only representations I’d seen of the pro-Domme/submissive dynamic I’d seen were in movies, where the Domme, encased in latex, laughs as she inflicts pain on her victim. So, that’s what I tried to do! I bought a latex miniskirt in Soho, and arranged for dungeon training with a dominatrix. I hoped to become a walking, talking Domme, encased in sky-high leather boots, and brandishing a flogger.
I failed at the first hurdle. I squeezed myself into my latex skirt, looked at myself in the mirror, and felt instantly deflated. The sticky-powdery texture and wet look of latex isn’t one I’ve ever liked, so I didn’t feel sexy. I certainly didn’t feel powerful. Later, I confessed this to the Dominatrix at my training. I expected her to roll her eyes at me. But instead, she smiled. Generously, she explained that Dominatrices dress and act in a particular manner because it feels authentically powerful to them.
I learnt many lessons about the dungeon that day, such as the techniques behind impact play, and the intricacies of pegging. But the most important lesson I learnt was the incidental one the Dominatrix had given me. Power as a Domme is internal. It’s about how you feel within yourself, and then translate that to a dynamic between you and your submissive. Being authentically in touch with your own power is foundational to the D/s power exchange!
For some Dominatrices, that looks like latex, leather, and whips – and they look incredible while doing it – because that’s who they are. As I’ve explored, I’ve discovered I’m more of a soft, sensual domme. So for me, it’s more about slipping into lingerie to lovingly take charge. I don’t need to struggle with latex, because I feel the most powerful strutting around in just a pair of black boots. Whichever way I choose to express my Domme self, the key is that I’m feeling in touch with my own confidence. That’s what makes me dominant. And over the years, I’ve picked up some strategies to access my authentic, internal power. Here are just four.
Research
You’ve heard ‘location, location, location’, but for sex workers, it’s ‘research, research, research’! For any aspect of sex work we have to research everything, from how to advertise, to how to see clients safely. On top of that, Dommes have to learn about the different types of D/s dynamics; how to use different toys and tools in the dungeon; safety basics; more complex principles of consent; how to practice aftercare; and so much more.
Preparing yourself with research will help you hone what kind of domination you enjoy. You and your client can rest easy knowing that whatever you do, you’re doing it well, and safely. For example, as a sensual Domme I read up on adapting more hardcore methods for my clients who are often kink newbies. I learnt to tie basic knots with soft nylons rather than rope, and gently talk someone through their first pegging experience. This approach means I know my clients are able to enjoy experimenting safely. When we feel secure and knowledgeable in playing, we can feel authentic in our power. That self-confidence is the root of pleasure, for both Dommes and our clients!
There are hundreds of BDSM guides out there; I recommend ‘SM 101: A Realistic Introduction’. Some of it is a little dated, such as suggesting the use of personal ads to meet kinksters. However, it’s a comprehensive introduction to a wide range of BDSM dynamics and techniques.
Mood Setting: Music
Once you know what kind of power you’d like to access as a Domme, you need to be able to get in touch with it. Whether at a hotel or in the dungeon, taking a little time to set the mood is what will transform you from feeling ordinary to feeling in charge.
Music is the most important element of my mood-setting routine. I have a playlist I’ve compiled over the years, featuring all the strong women musicians who make me feel empowered. Janelle Monae features heavily, but so do rock and jazz musicians from a few decades ago. It doesn’t matter to me what the genre is – if it makes me stamp my feet, it gets played! I always play this playlist while I get dressed, and on the way home. Music helps me transition in and out of ‘the zone’ – which means kink is a fun side of me I get to dress up and play in, rather than a source of anxiety.
Mood Setting: Outfits
On the topic of getting dressed, I also have a few pieces I always wear that make me feel sexy and confident. As I’ve explored, there’s a perception that a ‘real’ dominant woman invests money in a dominatrix’s outfit. However, I remember some surprising advice from the houseboy at a dungeon I once duo’d at. He was a very traditional submissive – he wore a leather collar, and enjoyed being caned very hard. Yet he told me he didn’t have any desire for his Dominatrices to wear traditional outfits. Of course, he loved it – but he also enjoyed it when they wore jeans and trainers. It made his submission feel all the more real.
In that vein, I really enjoy slipping into my black robe. It’s not a stereotypical Dominatrix’s robe, but its silky texture envelops me, while its slight transparency highlights my curves to just the right degree. As soon as I feel it caressing me, I access the part of me that is powerful and mysterious. Add to that my high heels, which accentuate my strong calves, and I instantly feel dominant. My advice to any Domme is to invest in one piece which makes you feel good, rather than worrying about a whole wardrobe change.
Self Care
As sex workers we tend to be in ‘care’ mode with our clients. Dommes are no different. Most domination sessions will end with aftercare for the client. Whether we’ve indulged in gentle pegging or more intense spanking, I always give my clients a cuddle. Yet, when they’ve left the door, I can start to crash, too. It took me a while to understand that this is a phenomenon called “Domme drop”, or ‘top drop”. The adrenaline of forming a connection and stepping into play with someone else can wear off quickly, leaving what feels like a drop in energy and mood. Early on in domming, this would knock my confidence quite a bit. I’d wonder why I wasn’t able to sustain my dominant persona all the time – and if my crashing meant I was a fake.
Taking care of ourselves allows us to feel good about ourselves, which is a huge source of self-confidence. When we can avoid burnout as much as possible, we can stay in touch with our own power. Rest before and after bookings, aftercare rituals for ourselves, and decompressing with fellow sex workers are just a few ways to do this. Nowadays, I incorporate a walk in the park after clients. Taking a quiet moment replenishes me, and keeps me connected to the power I know is at my core.
Ultimately, whatever we can do to stay in touch with our power will be key to enjoying, and succeeding at domination. This is the power that clients know is there, and willingly pay to access - all we have to do is embrace it!
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