I juggle to find the space between my breaths. I juggle to focus my body enough on a task that I can be left alone by intrusive thoughts. I juggle for the dopamine hit when I get it right. I juggle to fail, to be safe in that failure, to be able to pick the props up and start again. I juggle because in lockdown I was determined to. I had nothing else to do. I could not read because it felt prescribed and my friend had a set of juggling balls. I was staying with her to provide emotional support in a stretch of solo parenting of a very small child. She showed me how to juggle two balls in one hand and then how to progress to three, very briefly. I had a lot of time on my hands.
I, upon reflection, believe that this was my first time openly stimming.
I juggle for the stim. When you juggle it is important to breathe, if you hold your breath your body is not relaxed enough. To juggle you have to be prepared to literally drop the ball. You also need to relax, not concentrate too hard on what your body is doing and rely on reflex instead of conscious movement. Juggling is an instinct.
Through juggling I learnt to trust my instincts.
I practiced on my knees when I got sick of bending over to pick the ball back up. This made me all the more conscious of when I was making a reach. See, the key to juggling three balls is you throw each throw to the hand you are going to catch it with. Your hands should move very little.
I didn’t know I would make money from juggling when I started. It was just a skill that seemed to fit. It was a pastime that brought me a satisfying challenge. I got to see my progress during a time that felt like there was no way to differentiate one day from the next. I juggled to move through adhd lethargy. I juggled to distract myself from international heartbreak, heartache and being home sick during a global pandemic. I juggled because if I didn’t do something I knew I would sink.
I learnt to juggle during the hardest time of my adult life. I had just had a miscarriage. I had left an abusive relationship, exited a toxic industry, been torn away from a city I had spent a decade living in. I left that country for a break and have not returned for over four years. I had to face that my family relationships were all superficial, that my chosen family were my only support network. I learnt to juggle before I started sex work. I had requests from clown fetishists as a pro-dom to integrate juggling into sessions. I had dreams of juggling at a strip club.
I learnt to juggle before I was diagnosed with autism and medicated for adhd. I realised after four years of juggling, after teaching paralympians the basics, that for me it is a stim. It is my favourite stim that I can do publicly. It brings me as much joy and as much of a break between my thoughts as my head under a cold shower faucet.
I juggle because apparently it makes both sides of your brain talk to each other. I am so clumsy, I have natural born clown energy, and surely if I can juggle just about anyone can? The secret is practice, determination and accepting you will fail before you succeed. I juggle because it makes me happy and it has taught me healthy humility. I cannot control it, I do not perform it, I do it just for me. Unless I’m teaching, then I am sharing something I immensely enjoy.
I taught my boyfriend because he asked me to, I taught my friend because they wanted to gently compete with my boyfriend. I gave all of my family members juggling balls for Christmas. I taught my nieces and their mother thanked me for giving them an experience and not just ‘another piece of plastic crap’. Their father said he would blame me if his children decided they wanted to join the circus.
My dad who admonished me as a child for not trying, would not participate, as is his way. My mum got out there with us and gave it a red hot go. I wrote on her card that year that some of my favourite memories of us as a family were playing catch. I still miss that fluro pink ring frisbee.
I juggle because it makes me happy. I juggle because it feeds me and my family. I juggle because I love to juggle. Not because I’m good at it, not because I can show off, not because I will make money from it. I do not juggle to be the best, or so I can juggle the most amount of props. I do not juggle for the glory. I juggle because I like being hit in the face. I juggle because juggling three props for me is the perfect amount to switch my brain off just enough.
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