I recently posted a twitter thread about green flags for civilian dating as a sex worker, and it was a popular thread that many seemed to get something from. I thought I would expand on those green flags from the thread, plus a few more, here on Tryst.
I used to date “pro-boner,” as I like to call it, a lot in the early years of my full service sex work career. I am non-monogamous, and was in a few relationships already when I re-entered the sex industry at 31. As I’ve aged I’ve lost the energy to keep up with both pro-boner and professional dates, so I’ve been keeping it professional for the most part. But I am still in a relationship with my longest term partner, who I was with when I started, and my girlfriend, who I started dating not long after re-entering sex work. These two were, and have always been, green flag machines around sex work. Some of my other partners, lovers and dates, well, not so much.
There’s a couple of things I’d like to address before I move on to what I consider to be green flags in potential partners. First of all, I am a firm believer that the sex we have or perform at work is work. That doesn’t mean you can never enjoy yourself or feel good at work, please enjoy your job whenever you can. But it does mean that sex work is indeed work, and you can be in a monogamous relationship while doing it. Just because I, or other sex workers, might be non-monogamous doesn’t mean you have to accept non-monogamy as part of your love life due to your work.
Second, I have dated a few sex workers as well as civilians. I’d say that if you find a sex worker you vibe with, they are probably going to be leaps and bounds ahead of any civilian in understanding the complexities of dating or partnering with a sex worker. I cannot recommend dating other sex workers enough, at least when it comes to sensitivity and kindness around this work. Neither of my current partners do sex work, but I do wish to highlight that their attitudes are rare among civilians, and I feel pretty grateful to know both of them.
And now, on to the flags!
They view it as work
Sex work is work. Period. Full stop. If your potential love interest doesn’t understand this, it’s a non-starter.
They support you and your needs around your work
After a long day of listening to men complain, I hate to come home to a partner who also needs to complain. It’s not that I’m heartless; I have some capacity to listen to them as well. But I need to be able to say I’m actually exhausted, I’ve been listening to people complaining all day, and I need some alone time.I need a breather. A supportive partner won’t take that personally, they’ll listen to your needs too. They’ll find a time to talk with you later. Our partners really do need to understand that our job can be very similar in some ways to, well, dating/partnering with them. And that we may need support and space around that.
They listen, and they treat you as the expert on your work
No lectures! You are the expert on your work, but civilians love to act like they are experts on sex work as well (don’t know why they never do it with any other job, but here we are). They are not. Don’t tolerate their wrong and bad opinions. Let them know it’s not acceptable, and if they can roll with that and they actually get it, awesome.
They understand there’s ups and downs
It’s OK for everyone to hate their job sometimes, even us. Especially us, really! What we do is incredibly hard emotional and physical work. If your partner needs your sex work to be 100% empowering and fun for you all the time, they need a little perspective. Ask them how they feel about their job on a day to day basis. If they can’t understand someone hating certain aspects of their work, I suspect they may be an alien or not of this world. And it’s definitely a huge red flag.
They don’t sexualize your work and/or you in ways you don’t like
When I tweeted this thread initially, this was the point I got the most pushback on or the least understanding about. But bear with me. If your work is sex, it actually doesn’t feel great to have a partner who is horny for you because of your work. For me, it makes me feel like a circus performer, like I’m on the spot and doing sex work in my personal life as well. Or that my only value to them is my sex work, and they enjoy having proximity to someone who is cool and taboo. At least this is my experience; if you don’t mind your partner sexualizing your work, more power to you. But if you do mind, you have the right to have a conversation about it and tell your partner it feels bad. If they can’t respect that, in the dumpster they go (figuratively)!
This doesn’t mean you or your relationship needs to be asexual. I find sex with my real life partners most fulfilling when it’s organic, less performative on my part, and about mutual attraction that goes far beyond my looks, performance, and the trappings of my job. I hope it goes without saying that asexuality is also a-ok, you don’t need to be sexual in your personal life just because you are at work. And it is totally normal for this work to cause you to feel asexual at various points.
They are financially independent, if able
This one is a bit tricky. As a disabled person myself, I am very pro-worker rights, ending capitalism, and making sure everyone has their needs met outside of a meritocracy or their physical and mental abilities. And yet, we live under capitalism, and having a partner who is financially dependent on you adds an extra layer or economic coercion to any person’s work, of course. But with our work it can feel deeply exploitative, and all of the stigma around sex work does not help with that.
I firmly believe it’s important to care for our partners and community, even financially when we can, but in the environment we live in it’s also important to protect our finances and our sanity. If your partner is disabled, just be sure to be aware of whether or not your living and financial situation still feels comfortable for you. And if it’s not, it’s time to talk and figure out a different arrangement. Communication is key!
There are also some partners who will use the stigma against sex work and workers, to financially abuse you. Eg “no one else is ever gonna love you due to your work, so you shouldn’t have a problem with financially providing for me since you’re so unlovable.”
They don't freak out or ask you to leave the industry if something bad happens to you at work
I’ve had some bad things happen to me while doing sex work. When bad things have happened, I have appreciated a partner who can listen to me about what happened, respond calmly and lovingly, and ask what kind of support I need. What I don’t appreciate is flipping out, threatening violence against those who have wronged me or asking me to leave the industry for my safety. It always felt like an outsized response, even if what happened to me was really bad. It also felt like just more macho, jealous ownership, savior complex bullshit I don’t want to deal with.
They care about your safety, but trust you to know how to safeguard yourself
See above. If your partner is part of your safety protocols then that’s cool! My partners are often my safety call, and the people I give my date info to so they know where I am. If they’re being macho, puff-chested, telling-you-what-to-do safety friends though, that will get old fast. Again, if they are not part of the industry, they won’t actually know how best to protect your safety. So it goes back to you being the expert on all of this, including your safety.
They have an excellent understanding of consent, both sexually and overall
This is probably the most important one, and I think every bullet point above could actually be summarized into this one. No means no, and that applies to sex with real life partners as well. And it applies not just to sex, but to everything else I was talking about above as well. If they can’t take no for an answer, if they can’t respect your boundaries, then they have some growing to do before they can be partnered with anyone. Of course a person can grow and change, and often a person’s growth can be achieved through knowing a person who challenges them. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about people who are stubborn, and often repeat offenders. The best green flag I can think of is when you draw a boundary with a person, that person goes “OK, understood,” and then just respects it. Huge green flag energy!
Alright friends, one last thing I would like to say on all of this: please don’t fret if you haven’t found true love or partnership while doing sex work. I have felt so blessed and grateful, in so many ways, to have the love I have had in my life. Loving relationships are super difficult work, and in the year of our lord 2023 it is totally fine to not be in one. Hold out for your hero. Don’t settle for less just because society is slow on the uptake. Look for the green flags, keep an eye out for the red ones, and even create a list of your own if it would be helpful. Never hesitate to love yourself first, protect your energy, and thrive independently.
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