I didn’t think I’d feel confident the first time I saw a client. Who would? It was a completely new situation, one I’d certainly never received any formal preparation for. Yet surprisingly, I felt comfortable within myself. Dolled up in my favourite dress and adorned with my lucky lipstick, I felt energetic. I was excited to share this energy with my client, who himself was kind and enthusiastic, so our time together flew by. I remember stepping out of the door just as the evening light had started to reflect on the city’s glass towers, my pocket heavy with cash. The realisation that I really could thrive this way dawned on me. This first flush of energy propelled me forward into my next few months in the industry.
What I didn’t expect was my early to mid career slump. At the time, the way I presented myself – my brand — was nascent. I knew I wanted to showcase my best qualities to attract clients I aligned with. But I didn’t know how to do that consistently, so my beginner’s luck ran out, and business dried up. Even worse than attracting no clients was attracting ones who weren’t really interested in me. They weren’t necessarily bad clients, but cold. Suddenly, my client roster went from being one that made me feel powerful, to one that made me feel insecure.
I didn’t think I’d feel confident the first time I saw a client. Who would?
This slump deeply affected my confidence. I started to question all of my favourite qualities, the ones I’d just been so excited to share with my clients. It became routine – normal – to compare myself to other colleagues, wondering what they had that I didn’t. My low confidence began a vicious cycle; the more insecure I felt, the less confident I was with clients. In my experience, clients love confidence and enthusiasm! So the less likely they were to return, and the worse I felt about myself.
I had to really take time to think about who I was and what I wanted for my work. I realised I was burnt out by clients who barely wanted to talk, and energised by ones who truly wanted to connect. So I adjusted my branding, highlighting the features that would best attract clients who shared this desire of mine. My client circle became lovely, the kind to compliment, tip, and gift me. Most importantly, they were open to relaxing and enjoying our time together. I put care into making us both feel comfortable and special, and so when I could see it working, I began to feel self-confident again. I started to believe in my favourite qualities about myself again. I started to regain the buzzing energy I had after that very first booking, under the city sunset. That vicious cycle was seemingly broken.
I started to believe in my favourite qualities about myself again. I started to regain the buzzing energy I had after that very first booking, under the city sunset.
But I have to admit, I was still insecure. Occasionally, a cold client would still slip through the cracks. No matter how well I presented myself and my brand, how smoothly we seemed to communicate before we met, these clients would be so bound up in their own insecurities, and sometimes even their shame at seeing a companion, that they simply could not be warm with me. I would put extra effort into creating a welcoming environment, and feel all the more rebuffed for it. These blips would knock my self-belief. Like an existential game of snakes and ladders, I’d go careening back to where I had been in that slump. While my branding helped, my clients still dictated my confidence. Not great.
Brene Brown writes in Atlas of the Heart, that confidence is taking pleasure in your own abilities and yourself, rather than in how people perceive you. Accordingly, I invested in taking care of myself physically and mentally. This created a personal well from which I could draw self-regard. In the process, I feel I truly learnt what Brown meant – that my self-confidence comes from myself. Confidence isn’t just about highlighting your best qualities to other people, it’s about believing in them yourself. Most importantly, self-confidence relies on your own actions – not on others.
These blips would knock my self-belief. Like an existential game of snakes and ladders, I’d go careening back to where I had been in that slump.
Rather than relying on my clients’ behaviour to dictate how I felt about myself, I dug deeper and fixed the problem at the root. I learnt to let myself dictate how I felt about me. Of course, I still make sure my brand reflects my best self to attract my preferred clients. I still take great care that my clients and I have a special time together. I’m still gentle with new and nervous clients. But now, if I know that I’ve done my best to create a loving, sensual atmosphere for myself, and I’m still being met with iciness, I simply don’t have to take it personally. I don’t let it send me back to a slump.
This is a completely different kind of confidence to the one I had with my first client. It’s consistent, and more authentic, less erratic. It’s bettered my relationship with myself and it’s bettered my relationship with companionship, as well as with my clients. Trusting that I’ve done my best to conduct myself how I prefer, means that knowing some clients simply aren’t right for me. I can’t change where other people are on their journeys, only continue to put my best foot forward and meet them there. Letting go of what I can’t control means I can open up space for clients I’m truly connecting with. It means I can be present and happy with those clients who are right for me. It creates real confidence, deep within myself and my clients, that at the moment, this is exactly where I want to be.
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