I've had to “come out” many times in my life; as gay, trans, non monogamous, disabled and of course, as a sex worker, and for each one of these I've come out to friends, partners, family, etc. People who belong to more hegemonic sides of society tend to assume pronouns, gender, sexuality and a lot of other things about you based on your looks, assumptions that in many cases are wrong. You can't tell the gender, pronouns or the occupation of someone just by looking at them – well, maybe if they are carrying a sign that says “whore, trans and autistic”, like I did one time. You could, but mostly you won't really know. These assumptions often put people who belong to some of these groups in a position where they feel unseen or forced to come out so their identities are respected.
When you're with trans people, you just disclose your pronouns. Usually you don't feel the need to “come out” because you know your trans peers understand and don't assume your identity based on how you look. Something similar happens when you're between sex workers. You can freely chit chat about what kind of SW you do, where you buy your equipment, platforms for promoting, etc. Although it can happen, the possibility of judgment is less likely than when you disclose that you're trans or a sex worker to a cis-straight person who doesn't know much about SW – which as we know, can even be unsafe in many cases.
I've had to “come out” many times in my life; as gay, trans, non monogamous, disabled and of course, as a sex worker...
I usually don't hide that I'm a sex worker. Most people in my life know and when I meet new people I often tell them right away. This is because I like what I do so I don't mind talking about it, and because I analyze a lot of their reactions to know how they feel about it, which for me is crucial to establish if I want to keep interacting with them. Recently I've seen a lot of people talking about if you can or can not be friends with someone who has a “different opinion” than you. The problem with this is that usually it refers to things that are ethical and political rather than just “opinions”. When I “come out” as a trans SW to people, I'm not doing it in search for acceptance or an opinion, I'm doing it because it's my reality and identity. I also care to see how people stand on these topics, even though I don't care for the validation of cis-straight people about my identity. I do care about the ethics of people who wanna get to know me. Obviously I wish for a good outcome, but I'm always prepared for a bad one.
For me, being a trans sex worker is not just about my job or my gender, it's something deeply political and – just like the fact that I'm also disabled, vegan and non-monogamous – it shapes how I interact with and see the world. If I tell someone about one of these things that are part of my identity and they react badly or are judgemental about it, I'm not going to think that they just have a different opinion, I'm gonna think about how their morals are a result of covert societal fascism and how it helps that ideology to keep marginalizing the people who belong to these groups.
It's already tough disclosing that you belong to a marginalized group. The possibility of being discriminated against is always there. Dealing with the judgment is hard and people often have this idea that we are doing it “just for attention” for some reason, so when you realize that you actually belong to several of these groups, you have to deal with the comments or looks people give you when you speak about being marginalized in more than one sense. I think many of them think we choose or even like to be oppressed, which is obviously not true. I would really much rather be who I am without the possibility of being hate-crimed or discriminated against.
Dealing with the judgment is hard and people often have this idea that we are doing it “just for attention”...
I don't think people realize how connected most marginalized people are, how common it is to be trans and a sex worker, or disabled and a sex worker. They are intertwined. One of the biggest reasons why I am a SW is because I'm trans and disabled. Being able to choose a name to work with, accommodating myself, choosing my schedules, practices, rates, etc is ideal for someone who would be deadnamed, forced to work beyond their physical and mental limits, and to be even more immersed as a cog on this capitalistic machine, and the flexibility sex work can give you is very helpful. It's not that I'm part of all these separate identities or groups which happen to be marginalized, it's that all the things that I am and that I stand for are interconnected and coexist, and all of them are cast aside by the same system for the same reasons.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
