So you’ve just published your book, congratulations! What inspired you to write about your experiences in the sex industry?
Thank you!
It wasn’t really inspiration as much as catharsis. I found myself needing to write down my experiences so that I could get them out of my head. The plot of the book follows my fumbles getting into sex work via sugar dating and then… moving off from sugar-stuff into escorting. I decided to publish because of a notably awful date that I went on towards the end of my time on the sugar-sites. This particular daddy was a writer and had published a dating memoir. It really bugged me that his opinion was taking up all the air in the room whilst I was just pouring my heart out to my hard drive. I guess I was angry.
How did you find concealing real world identities, particularly those of other workers, while writing about your experiences?
Concealing identities hasn’t been too much of a hurdle. Most of the names of places and people have been changed. My publisher was pretty hot on liability. I only reference fellow workers during my time working at an agency in Berlin. And that agency has long since been dissolved.
With my own identity, it’s been hard to know how far to take it. I’d like to promote the book on my own terms but press can be quite pushy for things like full-frontal photos and it’s hard to know where to draw a line. Exposing so many personal things feels pretty vulnerable right now, not least of which because of the tendency people have to twist sex worker narratives.
Your book is based around exchanges you had with a sugar daddy, Mr Andrews. How would you describe the relationship you had with him and can you explain how it has shifted over time?
Hmm… Well the word exchange is a strong word. I’ve never been very good at asserting boundaries which is problematic when it comes sex work. Most of my sugar experiences had been pay-per-meet but with Mr Andrews I kept it far looser than that. I wanted him to help me out with this pipe dream I had but after he’d fucked me - I realised that was never going to happen - and, I’d most likely never see him again.
Purely bad business on my part.
One of the reasons I got into this line of work is that I’m a submissive and a masochist and I enjoy the objectification of it. After dwelling on the humiliation the situation subverted itself and I started eroticising how dumb I’d been to get duped.
The book details the exchanges I have with other daddies. Which start off alright, but end up with me spiralling into fucking a load of married men for free on their lunch break. I eventually got rid of the sugar accounts and got into independent escorting, which has given me much more security and better pay. I wish I’d done it sooner but for a long time I feared the stigma of being visible on an escorting platform.
For someone, like myself who’s not so good at drawing lines, the parameters of having an escorting profile are beneficial. There’s clarity in being able to state your “do’s and don'ts” and your rates by the hour. Even the reference point of other providers’ profiles is a helpful resource. I found sugar dating to be more exploitative than escorting. The fact it all exists in this grey area came to really bother me.
I was never looking for a rich boyfriend. I wanted to have kinky sex with strangers in hotel rooms and get paid for it. And now I can do that in a more structured way.
How would you describe the relationship sex workers have with their clients?
It’s so varied. I wouldn’t want to speak for anyone but myself on this but:
For me, the kink-work I do (age play, role-playing, etc.) is the most rewarding. I respect clients who approach a sex worker to explore their kinks in a safe way, and pay them accordingly.
I feel like paying for sex needs a rebrand because the stereotype of “a john” is pretty gross and maybe some of the nicer potential clients are put off by that association. Inherently, it can be a dangerous and exploitative industry and I know that I’m lucky enough to see the more favorable end of that spectrum.
I like my regulars, we chat about politics and art, as well as fucking. But sometimes a client will be a total scumbag and the emotional labour it takes to come back to neutral really weighs. I don’t escort full time. Not having all my eggs in one basket has meant I can choose my clients unless I’m in a really tight spot. If I have a bad appointment I won’t see that client again.
With escorting; I like the customers who are self-effacing, respectful and candid about the exchange. Which is how I think it should always be. With sugaring; it was the complete opposite of this. The money bit was always shrouded in shame: I heard the term “no professionals” so often. I found that the daddies preferred to think they were “helping a kid out” rather than paying for sex. There was never any start or end point. Often I’d just be making up stories to get some money out of them. Which I was terrible at, by the way.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hitting down at sugar babies at all! And, if you want a DDlg boyfriend, who picks up the tab, then go for it! But, in terms of running a business. I feel the lack of regulation with sugar-dating undermines the “sex work is work” ethos. Whereas, a platform like Tryst, is the best case scenario because it allows you to host a profile on your own terms and provides resources for workers too.
Wow, long answer.
Why do you think it's important for sex workers to share their experiences in the sex industry?
Because the typical media representations of sex workers are so sensational! There’s just sex trafficking and OnlyFans-superstars and almost nothing in between. Although “prostitutes” are the subject of many a film and tv script, the people writing the characters aren’t by-and-large in the adult industry. This media fixation is just another way of objectifying sex workers and reinforcing the stigma of being one. The “nothing about us without us” movement is essential for countering that. Hopefully there will be a shift towards more sex worker writing, not just from white, middle-class sex workers like myself. Who, lets face it, are getting more airtime than most.
I’m sure it’s not just me who finds the process of writing cathartic. Dumping your problems on a page is great! But it’s not just healing to write it down, it’s also restorative to hear other people’s stories. Sex work has been behind closed doors for so long, it can be very isolating. More storytelling all round! (The book has pictures too, did I mention that?)
Do you have any advice for workers hoping to get their work published and/or starting their first piece?
It’s a reach to say I know anything about the world of publication. I got lucky that an indie publisher decided to take my manuscript on. Writing has always been this outlet where I can express my anger - So the process of editing was pretty emotional. Just like anything to do with sex work explaining it to civvies can be really tricky.
I’m being a total hypocrite here, because I worry about people’s opinions all the time. But I’d encourage anyone who makes work not to care what other people think and keep doing it. Being self-conscious is such a waste of time.
Do you think you'll continue to write about your experiences in the sex industry?
I will definitely keep journalling but I have said my piece on sex work for the minute. I’d like to approach some fiction within a different genre. Why shouldn’t sex workers write about more things than just being a sex worker?
What are you reading right now? Anything interesting?
I have a tower of books on my desk that’s literally warping off-centre right now. But, I haven’t had any time to read in ages!
I’m looking forward to cracking open my copy of Lynne Tillman’s “Haunted Houses”. Her book “Weird Fucks” is so great, she does detached sex really well. I’ve also bought a copy of “Sugarbabe” a memoir by Holly Hill which I’m planning to read for research purposes. Apparently it was a bestseller in Australia in 2008, I heard. I suspect our accounts on sugar will be quite different. But it’s completely possible that the landscape of sugar dating has totally changed within that time.
Are there any other books on sex work you’d recommend? That you’ve found interesting or insightful?
I really enjoyed Tilly Lawless’ “Nothing but my body”, she’s got such a candid take on things. For dinner-party-trivia I love: “Harlots, Whores and Hackabouts” by Kate Lister. For sex worker rights Melissa Gira Grant’s “Playing the whore – The work of sex work.” is brilliant.
And… It’s not really sex work related but just because I’m a kinky slut as well as a sex worker, the podcast Drunk Church is my fave. They tackle loads of complex subjects like “CNC” and submission which are also massive themes in my writing.
Thank you for the interview!
