There is a wide spectrum of realities among sex workers. Unfortunately, it's generally folks with the most privilege who have the most space and safety to come forward and tell their stories. This is a detriment to the advancement of our community. If more marginalized sex workers were better supported, there would be more opportunities for us as a community to share important knowledge, that not all of us hold, about our vastly diverse lived experience.
There is a whole lot of diversity of experience in the industry, not just among sex workers, and the intentions and approaches of clients are also quite diverse. My thoughts are simply that - my own. With that, there are inevitable flaws in my limited perception.
The criminalization and stigmatization of sex workers and our clients has always created and increased toxic and dangerous conditions within full service sex work. In my work, I have experienced the manifestation of stigma against clients, showing up in ways that actually create more labor for me. Client stigma creates conditions in my work which require much more careful navigation on my behalf. As sex workers we have to respond to, regulate and moderate the way clients feel about seeing us. Clients are stigmatized and villainized by mainstream society and sex work exclusionary feminism. Toxic narratives about masculinity perpetuate and normalize the idea that men who see sex workers are weak or predatory, which disregards the diverse and even more common realities of clients. Policies and social persecutions have been created and maintained around these false generalizations. Assumptions which sex workers all over the world are saying only make our work harder and more risky.
The criminalization and stigmatization of sex workers and our clients has always created and increased toxic and dangerous conditions within full service sex work.
Clients have often coped with this stigma by creating a psychological work-around amongst themselves - if they give us sexual pleasure, paying us can not be defined as predatory because we enjoyed it and our pleasure is their proof. Whilst clients might find our pleasure reassuring, pleasure is not a stand in for consent. When we perform pleasure for our clients, it isn’t enough that we show up consensually, with an enthusiastic desire to make them feel good; we also have to be (or pretend to be) aroused by it.
The idea that we can be neutral about our physical contact with clients much like a massage therapist or a doctor is erased by binary and reductive thinking. That if we don’t enjoy our clients in sexually gratifying ways, it must mean that it is traumatic for us. This reductive thinking does not allow for the reality that it is possible to engage in emotionally and physically neutral work, offering a service with our bodies in a manner in which we are comfortable. We have been trained on a societal level, into this binary and reductive thinking. If X isn’t X then it must be Y. Because Y is the only other option, right? That really isn’t true though. When we perform pleasure for our clients we are soothing their fears so they can confidently enjoy their time with us. Most sex workers do not want our clients to feel that way about our pleasure, whether real or not. This can act as an antidote to this burden they carry as a result of being falsely generalized by SWERFs and wider society as abusive men.
It is possible to engage in emotionally and physically neutral work, offering a service with our bodies in a manner in which we are comfortable.
In my experience, so many clients are absolutely lovely, respectable, gentle, sweet, interesting and enjoyable people to spend time with. These are the things I love and enjoy most about my work. If I happen to have an orgasm, that is just a small bonus. I hope every sex worker gets to meet clients like this, but I know that isn’t always the case. Just like gender scripts show up in our work, so does racism, fatphobia, transphobia and ableism etc. Marginalized sex workers are much more vulnerable to fetishization which requires much more emotional and psychological labor to minimize the impacts of such behaviors. I can not speak to other sex worker’s realities, however I can state with confidence that there is much more labor involved in navigating layered and complex intersectionalities in addition to whorephobia.
Not all sex workers perform pleasure. I have known and worked with plenty of sex workers who are insistent on getting no strings attached satisfaction while working. It’s ok to want that fantasy. At the same time, I know that there are lots of sex workers and clients who enjoy space to connect intimately in a different capacity; to give and receive something outside of a fantasy script. One isn’t better than the other, there is definite value in both, depending on the needs of both the sex worker and the client. Many clients want to feel desired by their chosen sex worker. This is a fantasy that can be met with the right performance.
I dream of more space for queerness. I am queer and I say I am queer on my website. Nowhere on my website do I say one single thing implying that I am catering to heterosexual men or offering heterosexual services. It is rare that anything else is expected because the mainstream understanding of sex has been reduced to 2 or 3 acts. Few are brave enough to consider inviting in new and unexpected experiences. It takes such vulnerability for anyone to be open about their desires, and to simply be on the receiving end. When you add up the layers of toxic masculinity, sexuality, stigma and criminalization on our clients, it can be hard for them to access the space needed to deviate from the script.
It takes such vulnerability for anyone to be open about their desires, and to simply be on the receiving end.
I have been using a more somatic approach in my work for the past few years and for me this has been some of the hardest work of my sex work career. It involves openness to vulnerability on both my part and my clients. As well as much more time for communication, questions and negotiating for a mutually safe and beneficial time together, it also necessitates not always meeting expectations. When I slow clients down and request they be vulnerable around their desires and expectations of me or when I respond honestly to the questions of what I like - clarifying that I prefer to focus on them,- they often respond with confusion and avoidance. Quite often they insist that what they want and need to feel pleasure is to give me pleasure. I let them know that needing my pleasure in order to feel pleasure themselves, isn’t actually giving. Like they just said, it isn’t for me, it’s for them. Asking them to consider simply receiving erotic touch that is explicitly for them , almost seems offensive.
I can’t count the number of times clients have apologized to me for not focusing on me enough. I believe this sudden guilt for letting me just do my job is linked to both the vulnerability of receiving pleasure, as well as the stigma around seeing a sex worker. If they had focused on me and my pleasure alone, it would not have made my job easier or made me feel better about our session. In fact, I am more likely to be uncomfortable in a session where my client is insistent on focusing on me. This puts me in a place where I am pressured to perform. I appreciate most when clients clearly know what they want and are able to communicate about it directly, in order to receive it directly, rather than through projection onto me.
I appreciate most when clients clearly know what they want and are able to communicate about it directly, in order to receive it directly.
In general, most clients do want us to feel good, and comfortable. Clients fear increases this pressure for sex workers to perform. From my vantage point, stigma causes more harm in the industry, more fear, more rush, more rules and more hyper-vigilance. If we were all safe enough to be honest, clients included, we would be able to create healthier sex work communities. We could make space for the intimacy that some clients crave as well as space for our own openness, queerness and exploration, rather than being limited to scripts and unspoken societal expectations.
The more I have committed myself to swaying away from this script, the more I have noticed clients following my lead. I have observed that they too feel like they need to perform to this script. The ways in which I run my sessions can either reinforce this stereotypical, and expected script, or offer an opportunity to experience something different.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
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