Editor’s Note: descriptions of coercion and abuse
Babygirl had all the right factors to be the heated BDSM film we’ve been waiting for: an A-list cast and a plot perfectly set up for power play. On screen, I witnessed a weak Dom and an unethical display of kink. I was left dry in my seat. As a professional Dominatrix and BDSM coach for couples, I was appalled by the way kink and consent (or lack thereof) were portrayed in Babygirl. If anyone were to use this film as inspiration for building a BDSM dynamic, it would utterly fail.
Babygirl, an erotic thriller written and directed by Halina Reijn, centers on Romy (Nicole Kidman), a successful CEO and married woman who enters a dominant-submissive affair with her young intern, Samuel (Harris Dickinson). Babygirl promises a hot affair with intellectual mind games and edgy kink scenes. Unfortunately, it was neither erotic nor thrilling.
Spoiler alert: In the first scene where the characters cross the sexual threshold, Samuel wrestles Romy to the ground until she is calm. She prostrates herself, and Samuel begins performing what one assumes to be intense penetration by finger/s. Romy’s face is in focus, while the rest of the room is blurred. Romy repeatedly says she can’t do it, she doesn’t want to. “I’m going to pee. I don’t want to pee!” Samuel continues, and she orgasms against her verbal will. What could’ve been an exciting, deeply cathartic scene with consensual non-consent (CNC) became instead sexual coercion.
As a professional Dominatrix and BDSM coach for couples, I was appalled by the way kink and consent (or lack thereof) were portrayed in Babygirl.
After their first hotel rendezvous, Romy and Samuel meet again at the office in a soundproof room. Romy resists continuing with Samuel, as her morals are tested professionally and personally. Instead of discussing consent or safe words (safe words make their grand premiere mid-film), her intern threatens to reveal their affair to enforce his new rules. “If we're going to do this, we need to set some rules that you and I agree on, starting with, I tell you what to do, and you do it.” He then puts his hand up her skirt, and under "pleasurable" duress, she obediently responds, “I will do whatever you tell me to do.”
You have to have power to give it, and that is what’s missing here—Romy’s decision to consensually hand it over. An ethical Dominant will inspire submission. Samuel, who succeeds in telling dogs what to do, applies the same tactics to Romy and misses the nuance of dominating a human being.
Throughout the film, you watch Romy horrified at the whims of her behavior, swinging back and forth between, “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly do that” and “I can’t possibly resist.” It would almost be comical if it weren’t for her helplessness. All I wanted was for Romy to be a good little brat for us. Instead of playfully resisting, Romy exudes an underlying note of distress, as if she isn’t entirely sure she wants what she’s signed up for. Beyond verbal consent, there is the responsibility of the Dominant to listen to the body of their submissive. Consent isn’t just about a verbal yes, it’s about body language, tone, and expression. Romy may have nodded in agreement to something, but everything else about her body signaled “no.”
You have to have power to give it, and that is
what’s missing here...
Babygirl is a Blockbuster film that aims to provoke a BDSM awakening among its audience. Yet, it does not include the essential aspects of BDSM: communication and trust. With BDSM play comes negotiation, check-ins, and aftercare. They are a package deal. Without the latter, play becomes nonconsensual BDSM, and what is nonconsensual BDSM in short? Abuse.
The movie continues with examples of light kink, a soundtrack that is sexier than the film itself, and artful cinematography that is the true star. In typical fashion for A24-produced movies, it was beautiful to watch. However, even with the sights of Romy in pencil skirts and sky-high heels, luxurious hotel rooms, and Samuel dancing half-naked, my turn-on had left the cinema.
I know fictional films aren’t meant to be an education on BDSM and kink. Nor is pornography. After all, they are for entertainment. And Babygirl isn’t the first film we’ve seen fail to depict the the BDSM lifestyle successfully. The list is long. When the film does mention consent and a safe word, I couldn’t help but shake my head. If you’re going to do it wrong, why do it at all? What concerns me about a film like Babygirl is the potential of audiences walking away using the movie as a how-to in kink, when it is quite the opposite.
I know fictional films aren’t meant to be an education on BDSM and kink. Nor is pornography. After all, they are for entertainment.
In Romy’s most admirable moment, she retorts to a coworker's advance, “If I want to be humiliated, I’m gonna pay someone to do it.” Finally, a line I can get behind.
As a high-powered professional like Romy, who can’t ask her executive assistant to find a male Dominant, where could she find one? The answer gets more complex as I traverse the popular advertising sites for sex workers. Hundreds of Dominatrices show up, but not one male Dominant would fit Romy’s needs. (There were only six in the NYC area to begin with). Navigating Feeld or FetLife is even more daunting with thousands of profiles and self-proclaimed “Doms”. Unlike myself, someone like Romy wouldn’t have the time to explore the BDSM scene in person, nor know where to start if they wanted to.
As I reflect on my harsh criticism of Babygirl and the hypothetical challenge of finding a male Dominant, it all comes back to the same theme that concerns me most: safety for women. Why is it so difficult to play safely? That is my biggest problem with Babygirl. It is another poor example of BDSM that an audience new to kink may pass off as normal. If coercive sex is displayed in the media, it perpetuates a social system that says it’s okay.
Can Babygirl inspire its audience to explore their sexuality? Maybe. At best, viewers can walk away knowing submissive desires are normal. At worst, they will leave without any guidance on how to explore BDSM safely.
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