There’s a wiki-how for almost everything, but not one for this. While most careers have reams of introductory paperwork, hours of inductions, and even years’ worth of study and training behind them, being a sex worker is a little different. Like most jobs suited to independent people, sex work is something you can just do.
However, its not advisable to ‘just do’ sex work. Sex work takes skill, and practice, and planning! So it’s worth taking time to read up on those skills. When I first started sex work, I spent hours poring over advice on everything from advertising to communicating with clients. However, these resources often missed out on a few of the more subtle things that are so useful to know when being a sex worker.
Embrace being a sex worker
A lot of new sex workers struggle with accepting that they are, in fact, having sex. That’s why so many start with types of sex work that don’t involve client contact, even when that style of sex work doesn’t work for them. Phone line work, camming, domming, and other types of sex work may seem ‘better’ because of the whorearchy, but in fact can be much harder to maintain privacy and safety in. And then there’s sugaring. Many new sex workers square the circle in their heads by telling themselves they’re “just seeing a sugar daddy.” That it’ll be easy and fast cash, yet most experienced sex workers will attest that sugaring has fewer established boundaries, more dangerous, and less lucrative.
You have to learn courage. You’ve chosen to make money this way. So sooner or later, you have to work through the internalised stigma you have towards sex workers. Eventually you’ll have to embrace the label. You don’t need to be anything else – being a sex worker is beautiful. Grappling with any judgements you may have will keep yourself safe, as you will be able to discern and protect yourself from bad actors who share those judgements. You’ll also be able to better engage with the sex working community and its resources – which is essential to thriving in sex work!
Know yourself
For every sex worker, there are seemingly five conflicting pieces of advice on how to market yourself in this industry! Some say you have to be completely true to yourself. Others say you have to make up a completely different persona. Some say you have to post dates, gifts and testimonials on your socials or blog. Others say you have to be completely discreet. It gets especially complicated when more privileged sex workers disseminate advice that is not always applicable or safe, for more marginalised sex workers.
You will have to research how to market and advertise yourself, but whatever method you choose, you should know who you are underneath. Don’t get lost in it all. You need something to come home to that isn’t how much you earned, or how many clicks your profile got. Your marketing, rates, and even experiences with clients do not dictate who you are - only you do. You have to steadfastly hold on to your sense of self, because that will be one of the few consistent things in such a feast or famine industry.
Put your best foot forward
Longevity in sex work involves advocating for yourself and your career. Like in any self-employed or entrepreneurial role, there’s no external career progression to fall back on. It’s just you and your skills. So you need to become your own biggest fan. Take some time to really examine what your strengths are, and then work to centre those in your sex work.
My relationship to sex work changed when I went from marketing qualities I thought clients wanted, to qualities I knew I had, liked, and was proud of. People routinely tell me I make them feel calm and nurtured, so I made a loving, caring experience the centrepiece of my marketing and my work. I’ve always loved writing, so I set up a blog. Clients often tell me that they’ve booked me because they’ve enjoyed reading about my thoughts and adventures in London. Whatever your best qualities are, spin them into gold.
As well as working on what you’re already great at, you can work to develop your confidence in learning all sorts of other, new, skills. Being a sex worker has also turned me into a copywriter, web designer, SEO consultant, social media manager, and creative director, to name a few of the hats I wear. You don’t need to do everything, but you will probably need to learn some things that you weren’t expecting. I know I did.
You may also find that you have to pivot from platform to platform. This is especially true as the landscape of sex work and advertising laws change constantly, with increasing criminalisation. Get open to these changes so you can keep up with the flow of the industry. Eggs and baskets, really.
Learn your boundaries
Boundaries are at the core of everything we do. They help us know what we want and need, act on those needs, and make sure we’re surrounded by people who honour them.
It takes time to understand the boundaries you want between you and your clients. You may start feeling okay about talking to a client after the booking, but then realise it leaves you drained. Or, you may start sex work with a boundary that you always leave your booking on the dot, but then realise it leaves you feeling rushed, and you need the five minutes of chat at the end. Whatever you decide are your boundaries, you need to honour them by making them part of your work. Instill them into your advertisements and work routine, whether implicitly or explicitly. You’ll maintain your physical and emotional health, as well as attract clients who are aligned with you.
It’s also vital to have boundaries with sex work itself. Like all other self-employed jobs, we control our own time. Which is wonderful – no more paperwork just to justify annual leave – but it also means we can fall prey to overworking. Making money can become the sole goal that eclipses all else. All the reasons sex work is so brilliant – more free time, more flexible time, more space in the week for creative projects, etc. I recommend working with a goal in mind. Set an intention for why you’re doing sex work, do what feels possible to meet it, and then make time for your other pursuits. Re-evaluate as needed.
Sex work is a fantastic, kaleidoscopic world. There’s so much to do, learn, and enjoy. However you choose to be part of this world, it’s worth doing well. Remember your goals as you move ahead with your career.
Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!
We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨
