One of the biggest battles sex workers face in 2021 is the stigmatization of their work. Harmful stereotypes and false narratives are continually perpetuated by the mainstream non sex working press and it's about time that changed. Each week we chat to workers from across the globe to give you a better understanding of our work, what you can do to help and what we're really like! This week we chat to Portland escort, Calcifer about how they got started, FOSTA/SESTA and why we really need to stop using "hey ladies" when addressing sex workers.
Tell us your story, how did you get into the industry and what has your journey looked like thus far?
I joined the industry back in December of 2016, shortly after Trump was elected. I think that was part of why the idea of doing sex work didn’t seem abnormal to me, the world was already falling apart. I’d recently decided to leave college and was on the job hunt, and getting very burnt out on the process of submitting resumes and cover letters and barely ever hearing back. The first interview I actually got, they wound up hanging up on me while I was mid sentence, and I was too socially awkwardly to call them back and see if the call dropped or if that was their very rude way of saying they weren’t interested. Soon after that, the thought occurred to me that this industry exists, so did some googling, and found Backpage.
My first ad on Backpage was absolutely not thought through. It was not made with the intent of making this a career I’d still be doing four years down the road. My thought process was that I’d go ahead and give this a shot and see what it's like, and if it wasn’t for me I’d deal with writing more cover letters.
My first client was a mixed bag. Looking back, I realize a lot of other people would’ve immediately noped out of the industry after seeing him. When I started I was 19, and had only turned 19 a month ago. I’ve also always had a young face. Content warning, think it’s clear where this is going. So yeah dude was a pedophile who kept asking “are you really 19, it’s okay if you’re younger, you can tell me. Do you go to high school?” But hey he paid my rate and respected my boundaries, and even told me of a local review board I could join, so mixed bag, not all bad. For whatever reason I’m more inclined to deal with that than the standard job market, and it’s not like I ever let that dude book me again.
Do you have any advice for workers just starting out?
Don’t use your real phone number. (I really didn’t think through my first Backpage ad lol)
To be more serious, and for what I can say in a client-facing interview, have a serious reflection about what your boundaries and comfort levels are. Try to decide ahead of time what you are willing to do. Personally, it’s a lot easier for me to assert my boundaries when I have a clear self-perception of what they are. It can be hard in the moment to decide if you’re truly comfortable with something or if you’re just going along with it because the dude with money asked.
In terms of security and safety, don’t share personal info. Don’t share your real number, don’t say your first name even if it’s common. The more little bits you let slip, the more of a chance of someone being able to ID you. Sharing a very common first name may not seem like a risk, but if they also discover what college you attended and the year you graduated, they can hunt through old pics to try and find you. If you work from home, be careful to hide any mail before they come over, preferably somewhere you can lock it away. I’ve seen stories of clients searching through kitchen drawers while the provider was in the bathroom.
How did FOSTA/SESTA affect you and what did you see happen in the community?
I’d only been doing sex work for a little over a year when FOSTA was passed, so it’s hard to say how much of an affect it had on me. Business definitely slowed down, but it wasn’t a sudden change, and could’ve just been part of me turning 20 and no longer getting the pedo clients who wanna see a teenager. The community as a whole definitely seemed more on edge after FOSTA. Especially for clients, I think it served as a reminder for them that legality does matter, and they started being more cautious.
While FOSTA is what’s had long term effects, I think Backpage being shut down was a large catalyst for the change in the community. I’m lucky to have a local review board that I’d already moved to, lots of other providers in more rural areas didn’t have any option but Backpage. They were suddenly struggling to find any work. Also, the timing of the events causes a lot of people to mentally link them. I’m doubtful of clients taking FOSTA seriously if it wasn’t for their misunderstanding that it’s responsible for them losing an ad site.
As sex workers we face a number of challenges in our line of work. What is one issue you care about and how do you think your clients can help sex workers?
Stigma. I could spend time writing about specific laws that are trying to be passed or lawsuits happening, but it all boils down to stigma. If people view sex work as an icky topic to discuss, they won’t ever be vocal about our rights. Civilians in general, not just clients, can help with this by just standing up for sex work in your daily conversations. If your dudebro friend is talking about the porn he watches, ask him who it is, has he tipped them? You can also just have chill convos about sex work, don’t treat it as a taboo topic. Text a friend about “hey isn’t it terrible this person was fired from Taco Bell for having an OnlyFans?” or “OMG look at this gorgeous photo set so-and-so made!”
What changes would you like to see within the industry to better support non binary workers?
People just need to work on challenging their assumption that this is a woman only industry. So often when I see people talking about a hypothetical sex worker they’ll use she/her pronouns. Or a post warning about a dangerous client will start out with “hey ladies…”
Also for anyone who reads this who wonders why it matters because you don’t think there’s that many nonbinary sex workers. A lot of us are closeted. I let clients assume I was a cis girl for my first three years of sex work. I know multiple AFAB nonbinary sex workers who are still pretending to be cis for work. Clients don’t need to worry about this as much because there’s a reason they are closeted, you can go book the “cis girl” if you prefer that. But for my coworkers. Please remember we are all using fake names, and some of us are using fake pronouns. Stop saying “hey ladies” in the group chat.
What are some of your hobbies and interests outside of work?
Pre-COVID, I was quite the regular at my local cafe, and through them discovered poetry nights. I would go every Saturday, and would often bring some funds to spare for the poet of the night. My fave poets I’ve discovered this way are Nikki Burian and Sam Preminger, who are both fellow nonbinary peeps!
Most of my other interests haven’t really changed with the pandemic. I’m still able to spend hours reading fanfic, watching d&d liveplays, or playing video games. Fanfic fandoms: Hannibal, Merlin, & Harry PotterD&D Series: Everything Dimension 20, but I’m only caught up with The Unsleeping City, Tiny Heist, and Crown of Candy so no spoilers please. Video Games: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, Slime Rancher, Breath of the Wild, Calico, Moonlighter.
I’m also a fan of pretty much everything on Dropout (the site I watch Dimension 20). Paranoia is always a neat silly series to re-watch, and Game Changer is hilarious. Also I think Grant gave me a mild degradation kink via shaming me for watching him drink toilet water.
Is there a book, tv show or movie that has had a major impact on your life? What was it and what did it teach you?
Ouran High School Host Club. It’s an anime series about a girl who winds up being mistaken for a boy, and for the most part just goes along with that. There’s a lot more to the plot of it, but that’s the part that’s relevant to my life. I hadn’t yet figured out my gender when I first watched it, and there was just something ~oddly fascinating~ about this girl who was treated as a boy. Later on in the series there’s some scenes where she is wearing a dress and those episodes are always so uncomfortable for me. I’d subconsciously projected my gender feelings onto this character, so expected her to be uncomfortable presenting that way. Processing all of my feelings about that series really was the starting point of me realizing I’m nonbinary.
What kind of music are you currently listening to?
I’ve always been terrible at identifying genres, so I’m just going to list some albums:Kairos by Faded Paper FiguresThe Cinnamon Phase by Black BearGay Story by In Love With a GhostBird World by Leon Chang1896 by Steam Powered GiraffeDreamland by Glass AnimalsThe First Glass Beach Album by Glass BeachYour Blues by Destroyer
Oh and everything by Chris Fleming, which is more musical comedy than music.
How do you deal with burn out? How do you recharge or take a break?
If I’m feeling burnt out as Calcifer, I’ll focus on some time as myself. I’ll make plans with friends who I know in my personal life, or attend a community event where I use my real name. If I’m feeling more physically worn out, I’ll treat myself to a massage and some time spent at a spa. Love the hot tubs and sauna at my usual spot.
What would your dream date look like?
Would absolutely love to visit Orcas Island again. I visited years ago with an ex and would love to experience it again with a better human. A couple of days to a week spent in Eastsound, in easy walking distance from local food. Can swing by the animal shelter in town and see what kittens they have now, and get some more delicious jam from Girl Meets Dirt. Drive to all the local hiking spots, and keep an eye out for signs for eggs for sale so we can have yummy home-cooked meals.
What is something you're currently excited about?
Other than the vaccine and just the idea of being able to hug my friends again. Oregon Country Fair. I’ve gone three times so far, and this past summer would’ve been my fourth consecutive year if COVID hadn’t cancelled all plans. Several years ago some brothers from my fraternity and their friends started a theme camp at one of the OCF campgrounds, and I always stay with them. The camp has grown a lot over the years, and it now has 50 regular members. It’s an amazing time. The fair itself is wonderful, but it's the camping that really completes the experience.
We always bring in a couple of couches and set up a living room for the camp, with tons of salmon and flamingo themed decorations. It’s designed to be welcoming to anyone; camp policy is anyone can wander up and take a seat and hang out with us for a while. The feeling of community of sitting back and having people wander through and chat for a bit or to peddle their goods is very special. Can’t remember her name, but there’s a lady I’ve bought molly chocolates from twice now and certainly think of her as part of my Fair community.
But the part I’m most excited about seeing again is the fire spinning. Everyone in the camp is a fan of flow arts, whether watching or performing, and luckily we have some amazing performers. Coming up on shrooms while seeing them play fire tag is an unparalleled experience. It’s utterly captivating. And then you get to actually interact with those amazing performers and slowly pass a bong around the living room while you all come down from your trip.
Disclaimer: I don’t do shrooms or molly with clients, don’t ask. I’ll only do weed and alcohol as Calcifer.
The dorkiest thing about me is: how proud I am of accidentally getting a McElroy to be horny on main
My favorite color is: green
My favorite restaurant is: Laurelhurst Market
If you were to buy me a drink at a bar, you should buy me: Moscow Mule
My favorite thing to be gifted is: macaroons, or Studio Pia lingerie for the big tippers
Want to meet Portland escort Calcifer in the flesh? Head over to their Tryst profile below 👇👇👇
