Thanks for coming back for our sex worker interview series 'A Tryst With...' We're joined by Oakland Mistress Valentina Milani to speak about the punk community, misconceptions, and being a sensual artist.
How did you get into the industry and what does your journey look like so far?
Well let’s see, I am in my early 30s now; so I’d say my journey into the industry started at a fairly young age, around 19. I had a friend who got into filming adult videos at that time, and asked if I was interested in that lifestyle at all. I mentioned I was curious because I enjoyed sex and being sexual, but I was shy. I still am at times! I’d also say the aspect of getting paid seemed very appealing; and my friend was making decent money!
That friend ended up inviting me to model for a kink positive art show in San Francisco where we would both be wearing nothing but a thong, boots, and pasties. I have to say that I loved the feeling of walking around almost completely nude, having folks take pictures of me, while admiring the camera around my own neck – at the time I did a lot of digital photography. That first event set off something inside me I felt was so thrilling. I realized then and there the power of wielding your sexuality.
This set off an interesting journey for me, and mostly solo without a mentor, or someone controlling my schedule. Needless to say, I grew up in the days of ads on craigslist and my ventures would lead me to answer ads for foot models: meeting in someone's car for money. I realized I was leading myself into potentially dangerous situations, or getting ripped off. It wasn’t sustainable so I had to find a new way into the industry safely.
There was a lull between the ages of 20-24 where I decided to take a break and navigate finishing another trade, learning to be a hairstylist. Around 25 another sex worker friend of mine told me about her client and asked if I would be interested in seeing him since she wasn’t able to make her appointment. I decided I would go, had an excellent time and made good money, shortly after that I made an account for full service. I enjoyed full service as an offer, but something else was emerging inside me that was less of an escort side and more leaning into kink. I realized I could venture into another avenue as a dominatrix. The idea of being more of a boss bitch to men, taking their money and deciding if I would allow them to even touch me was becoming more and more appealing by the day… Fast forward 7 years later and I had another friend who I had been chatting with about taking their apprentice program at a local dungeon in my area. I was all nerves, but needless to say I decided to take them up on the offer and I went for it! Getting into kink has also led me more into an interesting musical journey with performance art.
I loved what I was learning about… the consensual part of kink, the way a man looks when he begs at your feet, also showing a sub side to myself when I choose. I decided to continue on as a freelance dominatrix, and although it is an ongoing learning curve, I ABSOLUTELY love it when a session runs smoothly.
I’ve also utilized my skills towards kink-related singing topics, live demonstrations for my friends' events, and I feel more confident when I’m on stage singing. This will often lead to some kinky fun banter ;) I am currently still working on my skills towards some new projects for the upcoming year. It’s forever an ongoing journey.
I also ventured more into seeing sugar daddies but I want to get back more in touch with kink, and the community. And take more classes!
Can you tell us some benefits and drawbacks of the sex industry?
The drawbacks I find are mostly with clients. Some of them will respond to an ad with an eagerness to get you sexting, and then flake. Other times it’s clients not understanding the safety protocols of screening. Clients will get freaked out, or not understand why you ask them to do screening, or why there is a deposit, but we must be safe out here! Especially doing freelance. I would say a drawback can be not having returning clientele and just remembering to not take it personally.
I will also say drawbacks can be from folks assuming all you do is beat men up for money… Which couldn't be further away from the truth for me! I have found myself constantly having to explain that I am also literally helping folks work through their queerness, fears, and challenges in life.
What is your favorite part of sex work culture? What communities, people, places, and memories are important to you as a sex worker?
My favorite part of sex work culture would have to be the different avenues you can explore, and the folks you meet along the way! It’s a creative field, and fun to explore different work, there is a lot of collaboration too. I also enjoy not being judged for loving what I do by others who do the work as well. It makes me feel safe knowing we understand how much work goes into this industry.
I also have found so much support in my music roots from my punk-rooted community. In the music community I’m involved with, many of my friends know that I am involved with sex work; but we’re all a bunch of freaks in a way and outcasts who found a home through music; so we all take care of one another (as much as we can). I have a lot of support and understanding through music, and I find my work is an art form as well, so these go hand and hand with me!
My important memories are when I learned what not to do to keep me safe in this industry (take notes!), as well as my performances I’ve done as a dominatrix as well, for live demonstrations.
What has sex work taught you about yourself?
It’s taught me that I can push through uncomfortable situations of all kinds, that I am resourceful, to trust my instincts as well. Also, most of all, don’t take shit from anyone!
How has your work changed your relationship and approach to consent?
Before I dived into this work I found myself not knowing how to say no very well, speak my boundaries, or cater to what someone else wanted. Through this industry I have realized how to draw out clear boundaries, and find what feels good for both parties. I now have a deep understanding that it is sooo important for a good session so both parties can have a good time!
How clients approach us is very important. Can you let us know your rules around etiquette?
Firstly when addressing me for a session I find it very important to speak in a polite way, semi formal and respectful; this goes a long way. For example, there is a difference between, “Hello Mistress, I saw your ad and I am interested in booking a session” VS “hey mistress can I see you tonight for an hour please, I need you”. While I know there is desperation, a message so impolite tells me you will more than likely not book and waste my time.
Secondly, don’t push my boundaries on my price points, or my screening process. If I tell you what I say my protocol is directly, I expect my clients to listen or move on elsewhere. Once I’ve found a new client who can show me they are safe, listen and understand – then the real fun begins ;)
Those are my big non-negotiables, and if anything else I have to add clients should always expect to provide a tribute deposit on a session; it’s important I get my money in case a session doesn’t go through.
How do you bring your own personality and personal style to your kink work?
I bring a certain edge as a music artist to the session, but a sensual artist when it comes to my kink craft. I like to design activities around not only my needs, but what someone is working on. Who knows, I may make you sing your favorite song and see if you can remember the words to it while I’m flogging some clothes pins off your body. For me it’s a creative industry, I’m an artist, so let’s play!
What would you like to say to anyone starting out on their BDSM journey?
Find a mentor! Someone who is well versed in this field, and practices safety protocols. Have a trusted friend as a point of contact when meeting clients. It can be a potentially dangerous field, so be safe and build community!
I would also say to always brush up on skills, keep it interesting, and remember your clients are working through some heavy traumas sometimes, so it may also help to study some psychology as well!
What does your workspace look like? How is it set up? Do you have a favourite piece of furniture or equipment?
I work out of a privately rented local dungeon in my area that’s beautiful. It has a few different themed rooms. There is a medical theme, a living room space with a cage, a bedroom, a back house separate that is so very decadent. Colors of the house include sensual reds, maroons, gold tones; but my favorite is the implement room with a St Andrews cross and the trojan, and lots of implements to tie clients up, and play with different props.
What’s a fetish you love to explore with clients? Do you have any fetishes yourself?
My favorite fetishes to explore are feminization and various areas of body worship. I enjoy the implement play as well, but at times clients come to me wanting to explore their queerness and then it evolves to designing their outfits, what makes them feel good, and to me that is so sexy!
Two of my own favorite fetishes are body worship, verbal humiliation towards a cis man, and also I am looking forward to exploring some puppy play this year!
How do you deal with the emotional and physiological highs and lows of domination? What kinds of aftercare do you provide to yourself?
It’s all about finding my center and balance. For the highs of the sessions, I will take moments to reflect by myself. Same with the lows, sometimes taking some downtime to reflect on the session, journal, or vent to a good trusting friend. Taking solo moments after a session to practice breathing techniques is also very centering.
Self care to me looks like taking a hot bath, ordering a good meal, watching a movie, stretching. Taking a little moment to recharge after a session.
What’s your favorite way to relax and recharge after a long week?
I will often find one day where I will wake up slowly, put on my favorite record, sip some coffee, then venture into nature. A good hike always resets me and makes me feel refreshed!
My favourite fetish brand is: Oh LA LA Cheri Paris and Queer In the World are brands I really enjoy for clothing. Their items always make me feel sexy! As far as shoes go, I shop locally in my area, and for implements I always buy from local vendors at Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco.
Something that really annoys me is: clients asking me why they need to screen.
My last meal would be: a fresh handmade pasta meal, with aged fresh cheddar to top it and a crisp caesar salad.
If you want to win my heart you must: Tell me “YES MISTRESS, anything you desire.”
My weirdest obsession is: I have this funny obsession with identifying plants on my hikes, it’s an activity I really enjoy!
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