Thank you for checking out our sex worker interview series 'A Tryst With'. This instalment features Kelowna Escort Rae De Rosa speaking on being a sensual domme, emotional hangovers, and factory resets!
Your profile says that you’re an “alternative adventure companion, kink princess, nurture domme, pleasure priestess.” Can you tell us a little about who you are and what you do?
Absolutely! I am a queer artist and intellectual who has been working in the erotic industry for over ten years now. I’ve always been queer in the broadest sense of the term—yes, in terms of sexuality, but also regarding all aspects of how I interact with society. Because parts of my own identity come up against societal oppression (femme-ness, queerness, sex work), I’ve come to view social norms as an unjust extension of power.
This fuels my relationship to power, to dominance, and to switchiness. I want to know and uplift the truest versions of ourselves—the parts we keep quiet for fear of not fitting in. I’ve written in the past about the similarities between clowning and domming; I see both as places where our relationship to ourselves, our inner worlds, our intuition, desire, creativity, and personal power are all inextricably linked.
As a “pro,” I see myself as a guide or a facilitator. This is a leadership role, and best fits into “Domme” as a professional category. Most accurately, I’m a sensual domme. I love sexual touch. I’m really glad that this sub-category within BDSM has become more common over the years!
How do you bring your own personality and personal style to your kink work?
I’m of the mind that bringing authenticity into your work persona can make your work sessions and relationships incredibly meaningful. However, I did not always feel confident in this! When I entered the industry ten years ago in Winnipeg, it was far less common to be out as a queer provider. (It was far less common to know so much about providers in general; this was the Backpage era, before social media was a necessary part of the job.) It was also less common for Dommes to integrate sexual services into their work! There’s lots that could be said about the erotification of pro-BDSM, and it hasn’t served everyone well, but as a sensual-kink person I’m glad to feel less stigma about being a full-service BDSM provider.
Gaining the confidence to be firm in my sensual leanings has really helped me be myself in kink. I remember sometime between eight and ten years ago, I would try to steel myself into a cold demeanour for firm discipline scenes. It felt forced and rigid, but I worried that warmth or laughter would mean I wasn’t a “real Domme.” Now, I am straightforward about this: I am not cold, I am not harsh. I am seductive, and coaxing, and coy, and playful.
What are some of your favourite kinds of sessions?
My favourite sessions are bondage, sensory deprivation, and anal play. I find that these things are really effective for helping/forcing clients to relinquish control and practice receiving (instead of doing). I like feeling more like a sexy spa than anything else; I love seeing the nervous system transition into rest: the thinking brain turns off, the breath slows, the eyes soften and sink back as the ocular nerve relaxes, the body melts into the bed. We all need a factory reset once in a while ;)
What’s a fetish you love to explore with clients? Do you have any fetishes yourself?
I like the same for myself, too. I don’t bottom this at work, but in my personal life I adore durational bondage and sensory deprivation. (I also like blackout curtains, weighted blankets, float tanks, etc.)
How do you deal with the emotional and physiological highs and lows of Domination? What kinds of aftercare do you provide to yourself?
I don’t “top drop” very often, but that means it’s still a bit of a surprise when it does happen. For me, top drop feels like an insecurity or an emptiness, akin to rejection or fear of abandonment—it’s an emotional hangover from deep intimacy. Post-scene, when everything is quiet and I’m suddenly alone, I feel afraid that it was “too intense” and my sub will never want to come back. Obviously, this has never happened; the scenes after which I’ve dropped were ultimately scenes with intimacy that deepened even more afterwards.
I’ve learned to see the feeling of top drop as an indication that I felt a really deep and intimate connection in-scene, which is a positive. I take comfort in reminding myself of that. I like to verbally reassure myself, wrap myself in a blanket and give myself compassionate touch, and then call a friend (also a pro) to talk it through. This is especially helpful for getting objective reassurance that a scene didn’t go “too far” and that I didn’t “hurt” my sub.
What skills would you love to be mentored in? Are there any aspects of kink you’re particularly interested to learn?
I would love to be mentored in heavy bondage and sensory control (I’m thinking of Elise Graves’s work). These are the two things that I’m most obsessed with (on both sides of the slash), but they’re such gear-intensive activities that I haven’t had the opportunity. This is especially true since I’ve become a primarily touring provider—I work hard to jam everything into a carry on suitcase! One day I hope to have my own erotic dungeon set up, and will be able to invest in much more heavy duty infrastructure :)
Also, I want to learn hypno! swirly eye emoji
What is your favourite kink/BDSM hack?
Instead of asking people what kind of scene they want (they usually don’t know), I go for more tangible questions: What kind of porn do they like to watch? Are there fetish objects or pieces of kink equipment that they are curious about or turned on by? How do they want to feel emotionally during and after the scene? When they imagine an ideal scene, where is their body in the room? Where is the Dom/me’s?
If someone is really struggling to verbalize their desires, I approach it like my optometrist giving two side-by-side options (LOL): Do you want to feel cozy or exposed? Affirmed or afraid? Question by question, we can narrow it down together.
Is there a film/television/book with depiction of pro-BDSM that you think is particularly good or successful?
My absolutely favourite sex work/BDSM film is A New Love in Tokyo (1994, dir Banmei Takahashi). It’s essentially a workplace comedy about two sex workers in Tokyo in the 90s. The lead character, Rei, is so incredible. She is confident and creative, and truly Dominant: at work, at the club, in her acting class, everywhere. But what’s most incredible about it is it succeeds where almost every other BDSM movie fails—it treats her relationship to BDSM as a character trait rather than as a plot.
Rei’s conflicts come from her relationships (like any normal person!). And the BDSM aspect gets to live alongside the plot, offering so many character introductions, jokes, creative interactions and pockets of tension and release, and beautifully aesthetic scenes. 100% recommend! (A quick CW: even though it’s my GOAT, it still has a brief “dead hooker” scene. Le sigh.)
The nicest place I’ve ever been is: the Bleiche Resort and Spa in Germany.
In the future, I plan to: open my own erotic, holistic dungeon.
My favourite album is: Assume Form by James Blake.
We'll get along if: you think of laughter as a spiritual endeavor.
I feel most sexy when: someone is looking at me and I can feel their primal hunger reaching out like the pull of a magnet.
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