Thanks for joining us for our sex worker interview series 'A Tryst With...' Today we're chatting with Denver Dominatrix Gemma Li about gamifying, R100, and mythology.
We’d love to know a little of your backstory - can you tell us about your journey with professional BDSM?
My professional journey began during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2021. After nearly a decade working in startup tech, I realized that the career path wasn't aligning with my future aspirations. So I decided to quit, despite not having a clear plan for what would come next. One day, a partner of mine half-jokingly suggested I become a professional Dominatrix. Initially, I laughed it off, but the idea took root and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Fast forward nine months and Gemma Li emerged.
I had been curious about BDSM for a couple of years, although I hadn't engaged in regular or explicit play. In hindsight, there are signs of my inclination towards femdom and kink from an early age. When I was four years old, the first movie that left an imprint featured a woman teasing her date at a restaurant by placing her foot on his crotch under the table. Other indications included fantasies of being Cleopatra with multiple lovers worshiping me and endless slaves attending to my every need, buying my first whip at age 11 and placing it on the wall above my headboard, being drawn to catsuits, scolding boys for not being gentlemen, and the desire to test how far crushes would go for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. A favorite was convincing my “hetero” boyfriends to make out with other men. I just didn’t have a name or space to place it at the time.
What was your training like? Did you experience rigid hierarchical structures and if so, what was that experience like?
My training was relatively informal and limited due to the pandemic lockdown. I began online with Mistress Damiana Chi’s Evolutionary Dominatrix Academy which gave me a foundational understanding. For specific skills, I learned from other providers, friends within the community, and even from my submissives on an ad-hoc basis when an interest surfaced.
While I do have my own rules and protocols, I am not strictly high-protocol or rigid in my approach. I prefer a more accessible style that can easily blend into a casual, everyday lifestyle-like dynamic.
You studied psychology and behavioral neuroscience. What does this bring to your BDSM practice?
It mostly deepens my curiosity to understand how my submissive’s mind operates and to explore ways to influence them further. Sometimes by understanding certain psychological frameworks, as well as my submissive's upbringing and significant life events, I can better connect with and access them. However, I don’t focus on this and assess my submissives. Instead, I prefer to focus on our current experiences and what future potential holds.
How do you deal with the emotional and physiological highs and lows of domination? What kinds of aftercare do you provide to yourself?
This is a question I’m perpetually learning answers to. There are moments when being a sex worker can feel like a vortex and become all-consuming. I think you need a relatively steadfast spirit and a resilient mind. There’s a measurement of knowing yourself that’s required to make it sustainable.
When I struggle, I remind myself not to take life too seriously. I try to find joy, playfulness, and humor in everything. Life is like a cosmic joke, so I gamify it and see challenges as opportunities to level up. I regularly check in with myself to stay mindful of my state of mind and re-evaluate if my path continues to bring me fulfillment, contentment, and aligns with my values. If it doesn’t, I know it’s time to make a shift.
I meditate, sometimes journal, take time in nature, connect with loved ones, and make sure to have fun while traveling or touring. I try to give myself permission to slow down, take breaks, and even fail at times. I also have a non-judgmental support system that’s understanding and holds me accountable. For me, having a life outside of the industry is crucial for maintaining balance and gaining different perspectives.
Can you tell us about what it is like as a POC navigating the industry?
I don't think about my ethnicity unless it is explicitly brought up by others. Becoming a Dominatrix and participating in the femdom space has in ways encouraged a reclamation and celebration of my heritage where I embrace my identity in ways I hadn't before.
I recognize that physical attraction can play a significant role, and everyone has their preferences regarding how that’s defined. This is a natural part of human interaction. The problem arises when someone can’t see beyond superficial aspects of physical appearance. This indicates a self-serving mindset with a lack of awareness and depth that I neither enjoy nor engage with.
There's a difference between genuine attraction and fetishization. Genuine attraction respects the individual's entire being, while fetishization reduces them to a set of stereotypes. It becomes apparent to me when someone is fetishizing me based on my ethnicity rather than authentically submitting to who I inherently am.
What’s the proudest moment of your career?
“Favorite” or “-est” questions are difficult for me. Life is too rich to encapsulate it into one experience. Overall, I’m proud of my decision to transition into this industry and how I’ve learned to build, run, and navigate everything with success, single-handedly. I am also proud that I feel safe and can be transparent about my work with my family and friends. It’s liberating to honor my values of living life to the fullest, being authentic in my self-expression, and being able to operate with intention and integrity in what I do.
What’s a fetish you love to explore with clients? Do you have any fetishes yourself?
If I were to have a fetish and one I like exploring with submissives, it would be the fascination with the mind, both in sexual and non-sexual contexts. I take great pleasure in delving into the psychological, emotional, and physical aspects of my submissives' minds. My goal is to find their edges and guide them to yield to my influence, desires, and amusement.
While I wouldn’t call it a fetish, my submissives need to add tangible value to my life in some capacity. Beyond that, I have several kinks that I’m fond of, including acts of service, complete immobilization, breath play, exhibitionism, cuckolding, impact play, electro-play, and tickling. However, these are not as important to me as the psychological interplay intrinsic in the Dominant/submissive dynamic.
What’s your favorite music for creating an atmosphere in sessions?
It can be dependent on my mood at that time or the kind of session I want to create. I lean towards sexy downtempo electronic or a sensual mix of indie-pop, art-pop, alternative R&B/soul, and alternative rock. If I am in a more assertive mood, then I have a hodgepodge playlist with songs primarily picked for their lyrics, beats, and intensity.
Do you have a pre or post-session routine/ritual?
Not a formal routine, but I do get hungry after sessions, so eating is part of my post-session routine. If I’m going to be socializing afterward, I need some time to disengage and ground myself.
Recently an acupuncturist friend shared a grounding and energy-clearing practice with me that I might try. It involves using an object outside the home, such as a tree, stone, or vase, as a physical and energetic conduit to symbolically transfer and release any excess energy absorbed from others.
Do you have a favourite portrayal/representation of (pro) bdsm in tv/film?
R100 is bizarre and entertaining. While it doesn't have a strong plot, its illogical and absurd nature makes it hilariously unique. It's one of those movies that's so weird you can't stop watching. I particularly enjoy how they signal and depict the main character entering subspace.
More recently, I found Sanctuary to be quite fun. The banter is witty, the acting fantastic, the cinematography creative, and the plot engaging — up until the end. I suspect the script was written by a submissive man. If you watch it for what it is, it's enjoyable.
Unfortunately, there still hasn't been a pro-BDSM film or television production that's accurate, realistic, and compelling. It shows there’s still a lack of acceptance and education around BDSM, with current media focusing more on the taboo shock factor than the reality of the practice.
Is there any art, modern or ancient, that captures your vibe?
I'm drawn to visual and literary art that represents women as deities, high priestesses, or powerful esoteric figures. Mythology is filled with stories that highlight the essential roles women play in life, culture, and spirituality, though many of these tales are forgotten or omitted. These stories teach us about courage, loyalty, wisdom, and compassion; they offer insights into creation, transformation, harmony, and balance; and they showcase truth, justice, independence, and strength.
One of my recent favorites is the Sumerian Epic of Gilgamesh, the oldest written story known to exist. In this epic, Shamhat, a wise and alluring temple priestess, is suggested by the king to tame Enkidu, turning him from a wild man into a civilized being. Shamhat spends six days and seven nights lying with Enkidu, introducing him to human customs like eating, drinking, and wearing clothes. This marks his shift from the natural world into civilization and sets the whole epic in motion. Shamhat's role is all about feminine power, wisdom, and the ability to nurture and transform. She represents human culture, sexuality, socialization, and knowledge, along with the sacred and spiritual aspects of society and its values.
My favourite fetish brand/designer is: Anoeses. I’m impressed with how well they consistently produce quality designs and pieces across multiple mediums like latex and leather.
My favourite piece of trivia is: My parents used gender selection and I was supposed to be male, but here I am.
If you want to buy me a drink, you could order a: Tea. Either a matcha latte breve or with macadamia milk, and/or tea of the herbal, white, and green variety.
My greatest turn-on is: Intelligence across cognitive, emotional, practical, creative, social, and moral aspects.
Links
Website: www.mistressgemmali.com
Instagram & X: @mistressgemmali
Tiktok: @mistressgemmaliofficial
Want to meet Denver Dominatrix Gemma Li in person?
Head over to her profile! 👇👇👇
