What to Look For In a Good Sub

Greetings are the first thing subs do and the first thing I usually disapprove of. When I tell my friends that with a simple “hi/hey” from the sub, I already know if I'm gonna session with them or not, they laugh – but I'm super serious! How you greet a Dom/me is important, and it's easy to tell if you're respectful, a committed sub, or just want to waste our time. I think it's alright if you don't have much experience, but a sub should at least investigate a little about BDSM dynamics before reaching out to a Dom/me. A “good” sub for me is one that knows how to address me. 

I've done different types of sex work along the years, and a skill I've developed from this, which I also attribute to pattern recognition from autism, is discerning a well-behaved sub from a disrespectful time waster, or even possible abusers who want to trick or scam you. I don't think it's always so easy to tell. Sometimes it's something subtle, but you should always trust your gut if you have a bad feeling.

A sub should at least investigate a little about BDSM dynamics before reaching out to a Dom/me.

I also evaluate how insistent they are. Do they respect my time and boundaries? A sub that deserves my attention knows that having it is a privilege and that I don't do charity for needy puppies (in the BDSM context at least). They have to be willing to earn my attention and praise. On the other hand, I don't like subs that overdo it with words – like when they call me a thousand Dom/me names when we haven't even talked about boundaries or tributes. You're not gonna get a free session just because you're addressing me as queen of the universe or something! Calling me Mistress and treating me with respect is enough.

There's also the typical “I don't have limits” response when asking for boundaries. For me this goes beyond not knowing your own boundaries very well, because of a lack of experience. For me this is saying you are not even interested in learning what they are, and that's super dangerous. Everybody has boundaries, and being open to at least discovering them is important. I know from experience that the people who say this usually freak out when you suggest most practices. They say “do whatever you want” but not so surprisingly, they just want something bordering on vanilla sex, which would be fine if they were asking the right sex worker. I like a lot more when subs communicate and tell me they aren't very sure of some of their boundaries but are open to discover them.

You're not gonna get a free session just because you're addressing me as queen of the universe or something!

Another thing I like in a sub is how comfortable being human that they make me feel. I try to make them feel as comfortable as possible, but they don't always reciprocate. Like, I know I can be your Mistress, I know I can make you kneel in front of me and say thanks, but can I be a human around you? This can sound weird for someone who's not a sex worker, but the dehumanization of sex workers, including Dom/mes, is very common. This comes not only  from a societal point of view, but also from our own clients and subs. We are more than just a paid fantasy or a flogging machine – I'm a Dom/me but that doesn't mean that I can't laugh, be a little silly or that I don't need to rest.

A more obvious indication that someone will be a good sub is their willingness to tribute. Do they value your time, knowledge and dedication? Do they respect sex workers enough to not bargain? Tributes can look like a lot of things; new indumentaria (outfits of my choosing), paying a Dom/me’s rent, food, invitations, letters, acts of service, and of course, plain old money. Besides the required tribute, it's nice when subs take the initiative and gift you things to show they're grateful and devoted. On my last birthday some of my frequent subs got me presents related to my job as a Dom/me, which is very useful and nice.  After a recent session, a puppy sub handed me his puppy mask and asked me to keep it until next time as a demonstration of his loyalty to me. I like loyal subs a lot. This doesn't necessarily mean exclusivity – as a non-monogamous person, loyalty means something very different to me. Though I do have an ownership kink, so the type of dynamic I have with each sub can look very different from each other.

Another thing I like in a sub is how comfortable being human that they make me feel.

There are clients and subs who don't ask anything, which makes me suspicious for various reasons. Like, don't you wanna know about the dynamics? About how I work? For me, speaking before booking a session is essential, although there are also people who go days and days asking questions and never book. I usually know when it isn't going anywhere, but it can become a problem because you're putting energy and time into responding. As an autistic person, changing plans when I'm already mentally prepared is very hard, that's why I don't assume that the session is really gonna happen till the booking payment is done. Because of this, I like subs that demonstrate that they respect my job and know that my time is not free.

If you're new to sex work, it may be hard at first to notice some things, to discern between subs/clients and scammers or time wasters, but with time it'll get easier. You'll probably develop this sort of sixth sense that I mentioned before. It's important to look at the details of how they talk to you, how they ask for things and always listen to your gut. If you're not sure, ask colleagues for references. Even if you're being paid, nobody's entitled to you. The fact that sex workers are constantly being stigmatized, assaulted, and incarcerated is already enraging and sad, the very least we deserve that our boundaries and integrity are respected.

Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!

We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨