What Not To Ask Your Provider And What You Should Ask Instead

I get it; you’re curious. You’ve been texting or emailing with a provider and imagining the person on the other end of your messages. Now that you’ve met them, you want to know more about them during your session. However, your questions may have deeper implications or might kill the mood or annoy your provider.

Let’s talk about some questions which providers are frequently asked, why you might be asking them, and what you could ask instead.

“How much money do you make?”

The suggestion here is the assumption that sex work is easy and that we’re all making a lot of money. There’s an additional implication that we’re asking for undeserved compensation for our time and that because you are providing us that compensation, you are owed an answer.

Just because you’re paying a provider doesn’t entitle you to ask them this. If you hired a plumber, would you ask them how much money they make a year?

When this question is asked the provider will often also be judged in some way based on the answer. Either they don’t make a lot of money and will be perceived as ‘low class’ or ‘less than’ other sex workers, or they make a lot of money and will be perceived as either entitled or spoiled. These judgments play into whorephobia and whorearchy and stigmatize sex workers based on their rates and their income.

You’re probably never going to know the details of your provider’s finances, so there’s nothing else you really should be asking on this subject, other than if they accept tips.

“How many clients do you see?”

Simply put, it’s not your business. I often find that clients ask this because they don’t want “sloppy seconds” (something clients have actually said to me, eugh) and because of their own whorephobia.

This is our job, and we see multiple clients. Could your provider survive, and live comfortably even, on just the amount you’re paying them? Would you try to limit the amount of clients your barber could see? When you ask questions like this that you would not ask people in other professions, it contributes to the stigma of sex work by othering sex workers from other professionals.

If you’re worried about hygiene, ask to book an extra hour and shower together with your provider before the session while compensating them for their time.

You may also be asking because you’re worried about STIs, but this question will not give you the information you need, and it’s insulting. You can simply ask about your provider’s testing and safety policies.

“What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?”

Look, asking this question is asking someone to trauma dump, and it’s invasive. There’s already a great article about this question on the Tryst.link blog.

Asking this is like asking, “you must meet a lot of really scary men, huh?” which is downright threatening and alarming to be asked. We all deal with scary men who want to push boundaries. If you’re asking this, it sounds like you want to hear about sex workers in danger during a time that’s supposed to be about sexual pleasure.

Now, if you’re asking because you care about your provider’s sense of safety and wellbeing, instead, ask them if there’s anything else you can do to make them feel at ease. You should also be open to their screening requests and any other safety protocols they may have. Be respectful of their boundaries.

“What’s your day job?”

Many sex workers only do sex work and don’t have day jobs. Asking this suggests that sex work is not a legitimate job on its own due to the assumption that your provider obviously has another job. It's disrespectful to the very real work that your provider engages in.

It is also not safe for your provider to give you this information. In many countries, sex work is illegal, or at the very least, stigmatized, and sex workers can face injustices from incarceration to losing their other employment.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” or “How does your boyfriend feel about this?”

I apologize for the amount of times I’ve said this, but: it’s none of your business. Sex work is a job, and any sex your provider has outside of work—or their personal relationships—have nothing to do with their job. You might just be curious, or you might be jealous of your provider's partners. If you're tempted to ask this due to jealousy, please remember that your provider is a professional who is performing a job.

Another issue with this question is that it's often asked from a lens of heteronormativity with the assumption that the provider you're seeing is dating someone of the opposite gender.

Rather than ask these types of questions, make sure you're respecting professional boundaries.

“Have you ever let a client [insert clearly communicated boundary]?” or “If I pay you more, would you perform this act you’ve already explained you don’t do?”

I suspect if you’re the kind of client who actively wants to ignore a provider’s boundaries, you’re probably not reading this article. However, maybe you think there’s no harm in asking. That might be the case if your provider had not already stated the act you’re asking about as a boundary.

If someone has stated a boundary, that boundary is not open to negotiation. To attempt to negotiate is a violation of consent. If there are certain things you’re interested in that your provider doesn’t provide, seek them out with someone else. You can potentially ask if they know anyone who performs what you're requesting.

For more guides on etiquette with sex workers, see A First-time Client’s Guide to Escort Booking Etiquette and Camming Etiquette 101: How To Be The Perfect Fan

We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨

Get involved!