Sugaring Wasn't Sex Work Until I Killed My Whorephobia

Editor’s note: brief mention of eating disorder

I don't think that there was a precise moment when I knew I wanted to be a sex worker. For nearly the first decade of performing sex work, I couldn't fully acknowledge what I was doing. 

As a teenager, I wanted to be a park ranger and then, as I started college, a farmer. I was actually a farmer for many years while also performing sex work as a side hustle. From 2011 through 2013, I worked on a few different farms to learn as much as I could and eventually spent seven years managing my own small herd of dairy goats (plus a large garden for my own use). Although I find it incredibly rewarding, farming is a job that can be tremendously difficult physically and offers very little financial return. 

Sex work has not ever been my primary income, which is a privilege. I am not a farmer anymore, but I have a different career I love and am passionate about. Despite my love for my vanilla career, it still does not meet my financial needs. 

Getting into sex work

As I've mentioned in my interview with Tryst, when I was about twenty, I moved into an apartment where everyone who lived there either was a sex worker or in a long-term relationship with a sex worker. During that time, I got into sugaring. 

Back then, I did not clearly define sugaring as sex work or realize how much less exhausting escorting would be for me. I sugared on and off for years. I was scared of the blatant illegality of being a full-service sex worker. Despite the supportive environment I lived in, I was also not processing the internalized whorephobia which informed my ideas of sugaring versus escorting or FSSW.

I remember talking to one of my roommates and asking, “how do you make so much money?” She replied, “I'm comfortable having sex with clients and explicitly negotiating that.” I remember wishing that I could feel that level of comfort and confidence (and also make as much money as she did).

In addition to denial about performing sex work, I also had yet to really explore my own sexuality. My experiences were fraught with nerves. I overcompensated for my lack of experience by giving men too much of my time for too little in return.

Getting over internalized whorephobia and into sex work

In 2020, I switched vanilla jobs and was facing an absurdly high health insurance premium in addition to a substantial pay cut. That is when I created an account on Tryst and started an OnlyFans. 

In the years after I began sugaring, I discovered a lot about how I relate to sex personally, and how I relate to work. I felt more comfortable in my body. I had recovered from bulimia and was in the process of healing a lot of self-hatred, which helped a lot. Time spent working as a nude figure model for art students helped me feel casual about nudity and being openly observed by other people. 

I immediately found full service sex work to be a relief. I did not have to put up with potential clients wasting my time or have long drawn-out conversations without getting paid. I felt secure in the boundaries that I set. I also felt fairly compensated, which wasn’t the case with most work I had performed. 

Early on, I would sit outside a booking in my car, feeling nervous and unsure of how to do my job. Before seeing a new client, there was always a level of uncertainty. What does this person expect? Do they understand my boundaries? Have either of us missed communicating something important? These uncertainties used to stress me out, but at some point along the way that feeling changed to, “okay, I've got this.”

In the years after I began sugaring, I discovered a lot about how I relate to sex personally, and how I relate to work.

There are so many moments I have felt affirmed in my decision to do sex work. When I first started full service, I was driving home from a very pleasant booking during which I was tipped very well, and I stopped to get fast food. I was braless and smiling, a little bit giddy. The woman in the drive-through said, “good date, huh?” Laughing, I said, “you could say that.” 

Every time someone is really happy with our time together or a piece of content that I produce, I feel secure in my choice to be a sex worker. When clients tell me our session was exactly what they needed or when I manage to pay a surprise bill with a few hours of work, I know I want to keep being a sex worker. 

Recently, I was feeling very lazy about a booking and was moaning about getting ready. My partner said, “It's less of a hassle and is over faster than a trip to the grocery store. Plus, you're generally in a good mood when you come back.” I realized he was right, which really helped shift my perspective (but has not stopped me from whining about having to work if I'm having a particularly good snuggle with my dogs).

Every time someone is really happy with our time together or a piece of content that I produce, I feel secure in my choice to be a sex worker.

Of course, there are also bookings that just don't go well. A client comes in, pays me, and then says, “Wait, actually this isn't working” and leaves after two minutes (only once, but it was jarring!) Or a client ghosts me despite paying a deposit. Sometimes we just don't vibe well. I know these occasions probably aren't about me, but they've still shaken my confidence at times. I think it's a testament to growth that I'm now more likely to be annoyed than unsure and insecure in those situations. As I've gotten better at screening and curating my profile, these disappointing bookings are much less frequent.

It's also worth mentioning that sex work ties into my praxis and beliefs as an anti-capitalist and prison-industrial-complex abolitionist. As I explored in an essay I wrote in 2022, sex work creates spaces for me to engage in mutual aid and transformative justice. Additionally, being a sex worker has at times aided me in enjoying the experience of existing within my body. If you're curious, you can read more about that here.

In an ideal world, I wouldn't have to work two jobs to survive, but for now, I'm grateful that I have sex work.

For more on the subject of whorephobia, check out Whorephobia is a Problem for Everyone and Whorephobia Within Sex Work: When Sex Workers Shame Other Sex Workers.

Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!

We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨