Sorry Your Marriage Sucks, But It's Still Not Sex Work

In the 16th century Catherine of Aragon, a Spanish princess, married King Harry VIII of England, and their wedding established a strong alliance between Spain and England. Some centuries later, but also not that many, my grandma married my grandfather, who maintained her economically while she was taking care of their home and their six children. What Catherine of Aragon and my grandmother have in common is that they are both examples of how marriage is often not about love, but rather a transaction. And, if it’s a transaction involving sex between a man and a woman, the connection in our mind and the words that follow are familiar: it’s like sex work.

I have heard people making the comparison between marriage and sex work since I can remember. Late 2024 saw a revival of this argument on social media and internet discussions, sparked by author and podcaster The Slumflower. On her social media, she explains: “I really did not expect for my sentiments on marriage being the lowest paid form of sex work, to reach national news! [...] Marriage is an institution, originally built on a framework of wealth transfer, women’s labour and the preservation of the nuclear family. Marrying for ‘love’ is a relatively new concept - created for working class and lower income people to also be able to access it. [...] Loving men, despite their dysfunction, is work. As far as I am concerned, ‘rewarding’ your husband with sexual services for doing household labour, is sex work. The use of sex within your marriage as a bartering tool, is sex work. That is why in my opinion, marriage is the least rewarding form of sex work.”

If it’s a transaction involving sex between a man and a woman, the connection in our mind and the words that follow are familiar: it’s like sex work.

I used to make the same comparison right when I got into sex work. Every time I disclosed to people I had started working in a strip club, I analyzed: “As women, we have always been using our sexual labour in a transactional way.” My listeners nodded–the comparison seemed to make them understand. It seemed to make them accept me. I believe this is precisely why the argument that marriage is just another form of sex work is so widespread, also within the sex worker community itself. Between the lines, what I was begging for with that explanation was: please don’t judge me, I am not doing anything out of the norm.

Comparing sex work to an established and socially accepted institution is an attempt to validate it. Yet, I strongly believe we need to take a step away from this comparison. Yes, marriage has had and can have a transactional nature, but that quality doesn’t put it in the same box as sex work. There are different reasons why I believe this comparison is flawed and misleading, and the strongest ones can be summarized in three points:

• In the first place, the difference is ontological: marriage is a lifestyle, sex work is a job. Just because something “feels like work”, that doesn’t make it a job. If you struggle to understand the difference, I would suggest that you ask yourself some questions: Would you want to apply labour laws to marriage? What kind of working schedules does marriage have, can you choose them yourself? Can you take a day off of marriage? Marriage is not a synonym for domestic labour, even though domestic labour is a part of it.
• Most importantly, they represent opposite values at their core. Marriage is based on the values of (alleged) monogamy, sex work is promiscuous in its nature. Where a transactional marriage is designed to make the woman dependent on one man, sex work is aimed at gaining financial independence of the individual, using sexual promiscuity as a tool. Even if cheating is as common as drinking coffee in the morning, the socially and legally accepted form of Western marriage is the monogamous one. The labour the married woman exercises is devoted towards one man in exchange for favours, and, if he decides to terminate the exchange and stop providing, also as a means of manipulation, she will run out of supplies. This financial dependence makes it a vulnerable situation for her, and it makes it hard for her to leave if she needs to. With sex work, if one supplier (the client) doesn’t come back, you just have to wait for the next one. Even in the case of sugaring, finding a new sugar daddy is not nearly as taxing and costly as going through a divorce. Yet, sexual promiscuity comes with a cost too.
• Because of the sexually promiscuous nature of sex work, there is an incomparable difference in stigma and criminalization. Sexual promiscuity is not socially accepted when exercised by women and other marginalized communities–let alone if that gives them financial independence. Modern patriarchal society doesn’t like marginalized groups to be independent or to grow in wealth and power, therefore it actively acts against sex work, by calling it out as a moral outrage. It enforces policies against it, criminalizes it, and puts sex workers’ lives at risk. On the contrary, it accepts monogamous marriage as a legitimate and respectable institution. The moral binary is clear-cut, and sex work and marriage lie on opposite sides of the spectrum.

As a side note: What about married homosexual couples? In the 21st century, people of the same sex can marry too. And what about people who get married for love (or for the idea of love)? Things have changed profoundly from Catherine of Aragon’s times and also from my grandmother’s. The comparison between marriage and sex work is surely sensational and provocative, yet incredibly simplistic, oblivious of the political and cultural implications of sex work. 

If we start seeing all transactional sexual relationships as sex work, it would make anybody who has slept with a man after he bought them a drink at a bar a sex worker. Why do we need to make this comparison at all? Just because two recipes share one ingredient, that doesn’t make them the same dish.

The comparison between marriage and sex
work is surely sensational and provocative,
yet incredibly simplistic...

A reflection on these differences is essential for switching the focus on the struggles that come with sex work. Women are not asked to justify themselves or are harshly judged if they get married. Married people don’t risk losing their bank account, their child custody, other jobs, or even going to prison and getting deported. Instead of holding onto the transactional aspect of marriage to validate sex work, we should start recognizing sex work as legitimate for what it is.

To wrap up with another quote taken from Internet culture, I will leave the last word to Adrie Rose, who already wrote a brilliant article about this misconception: “Everyone Wants to Be a Hoe, Nobody Wants to Be a Whore.” On her socials she posted: “you are NOT in any way comparable to a sex worker because you traded sex for a dishwasher with the spouse you can openly live without fear of them being arrested for pimping.” I strongly believe we can still discuss and recognize the transactional nature of marriage without having to compare it to sex work.

Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!

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