Sex Work, Love, and Relationships

When people find out that I'm an escort, one of the first things they ask is whether I can have a real relationship. There seems to be an assumption that nobody would want to date someone in this industry, which is absolutely untrue. Lots of my closest peers have wonderful, healthy and happy relationships, as do I.

Our world and culture have certain ideas about sexuality, and those ideas tend to come to the front of your mind when you choose a path that challenges them. Unfortunately, they can impact your personal life, your relationships, and often the way you see yourself.

I am blessed with a fantastic partner and this, combined with years of doing therapeutic and growth work, have helped me realise that love and sex work can coexist, but require clarity about your values.

Conditioning central

People, and especially women, are taught in many ways that their sexual value is finite and that it diminishes over time. This narrative is so deeply embedded that even those who consciously reject it can find it rears its head in times of difficulty in dating and love. I have been there. I have sat with this “conditioning” and I know the doubt it produces. I've come to understand that it's an inherited belief, and like most inherited things it can be examined, questioned, and ultimately put down if it no longer serves you. Sure, it might take time, but doing so will allow you to find those who are genuinely in alignment with you.

Your capacity to love and be loved should not be diminished by your work, and anyone who thinks that is not in alignment with you, romantically or otherwise.

Society has a big mouth

The world is not always kind to people who have careers in sex work, and it is especially unkind in the context of romantic relationships. There is strong judgment and scrutiny, and an assumption that we are "unloveable" because of it. People who don't know you—or who do—form opinions, as people do with hot topics like this. Your partner may face judgement from their own social circles, and people will decide they know things about your relationship that they couldn't possibly know.

What I've found is that you must create a deep and settled relationship with your own truth. When you know who you are, you can't be controlled.

Jealousy issues

Jealousy is rarely about the work. It's usually about emotional safety, sense of value, or a fear of abandonment. It's important to hear a partner's feelings, but they should not impact your ability to do your job and be true to yourself.

Dismissing a partner's feelings, or absorbing them so completely that you begin to shrink yourself to manage their discomfort, are common but unhealthy ways to manage jealousy issues. What works best are honest conversations, where both people feel safe enough to say what's true for them without it becoming a negotiation about your job.

If a partner's insecurity asks you to make yourself smaller or to apologise for your work, there may be a fundamental misalignment in what you both want from your lives.

Don't lose yourself

This is the part I feel most strongly about because I've felt the pull of it on multiple occasions over the years.

When you love someone, the temptation to compromise yourself can be very strong. The problem with this is that what you're actually doing is building the relationship on a version of you that isn't real. Eventually, that will become a source of great resentment.

Staying in alignment with your true self is a priority. Make sure you stay curious and check in on whether you're changing yourself for someone else's comfort. Also ask yourself honestly whether that adjustment is an act of love or self-abandonment. Those two things can look very similar from the outside but the difference is felt internally, and it's important to be aware of.

I feel that the most important ingredient is choosing a partner who genuinely sees you. You will never be happy in a relationship with someone who is tolerating your work or hoping you'll leave it eventually. What is essential is that they are there for the real you, sex work and all, with genuine respect for the person you've chosen to be and the career you have chosen.

When you love someone, the temptation to compromise yourself can be very strong.

My fantastic partner sees something in my work that deepens his love for me. He has talked to me about the genuine pleasure and compersion he feels watching me bring intimacy and healing to people. Compersion is the experience of feeling joy from another person’s joy or pleasure, even when it’s shared with others. When he first shared this with me, it was a surprise because it went against everything I'd been conditioned to expect.

The cultural story around partners and sexuality is unfortunately possessive by design. Society says that desire, sensuality, and sexuality belongs to one person and one person alone. My partner doesn't come from that place at all, and being loved in a way that supports me to be my entire self is liberating—and very hot.

Being in a relationship with someone who feels this way doesn't mean there isn't complexity from time to time, but there is a foundation that makes everything much easier to navigate. When you know your partner is genuinely in your corner, you have the safety to be yourself in every area of your life.

Do not settle for anything less than a big, beautiful, all-encompassing love. You deserve it just as much as anyone else.

Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!

We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨