Kink is not a Costume

Fashion in sex work and sex work style performance is a topic I am FASCINATED by. I particularly love looking at the cyclic nature of fashion in our society and how it trickles down. In every generation we can see the emergence of subcultures (think punk in the 70s, goth in the 80s and early 90s, emo in the 2000s) with their own distinct style. That style then gets picked up by queer culture, which is then picked up and seen in ‘high fashion’ brands for the catwalk, seen as edgy and new. The cycle continues as it gets picked up by mainstream society, and then a new subculture takes center stage and the cycle begins again.

Right now, the western world is in a period of severe economic trouble, and when this happens we often see a huge rise in conservatism. White, thin, minimal makeup (clean girl makeup), and conservative fashion is on the big upward trend. How this plays out with sex work and associated performance–think stripping, all nude style shows, burlesque, etc–is that ‘the girl next door’ and classic/vintage style glamour becomes very popular, as well as the push-back against the rise of conservative values with ‘edgy’ styles to shock and awe.

I bring this up because I have noticed that the current trendy fashion is kink and fetish. Cute collars, faux leather harnesses, and strappy lingerie are all the rage. ‘Shibari’ bondage bras and knickers (really just satin with some cord to look like rope) being sold for hundreds of dollars are the height of trend. I can’t count how many (well-meaning) fetish acts I've seen performed on drag, cabaret and strip club stages to bring in some money. And oh boy, do they bring in the money! It's fun and interesting and different from the mainstream–but I hate to see it.

I have noticed that the current trendy fashion is kink and fetish. Cute collars, faux leather harnesses, and strappy lingerie are all the rage.

For the purposes of this article I'm going to use kink as an umbrella term for BDSM and fetish. I’ve been involved in kink communities for a long time. As a youth, I was heavily entrenched in online kink communities and lapped up every drop of information I could find, which meant that by the time I hit my first club—as soon as I was legally allowed to—I already had a shallow exposure to the rich and varied understanding of kink history and culture.

There is no one true way to do BDSM. Every community has different expectations and rules when it comes to clubs, parties, munches, etc. and in our modern age we don’t place as much emphasis on doing things the old guard way. We as a society have evolved and so has the kink community, so some kinksters might disagree with my following thoughts; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean there aren't a few more universal truths that every kink community around the world strives to maintain. One of them is an understanding of the history of our community and its culture. Because that is probably one of the biggest misconceptions around kink today. Yes, we do in fact have a culture!

Kink culture is varied and differs wildly. From the leather and rubber scene to the pup scene to the rope scene: our cultures are distinct. We might not adhere to all the traditions that once were more necessary for our survival, but we still have them, even if we pick them up and shudder with a “no thanks”, and pop them down again. It’s important to remember that like all subcultures, there were reasons for why we did things the way we did them. 

From the leather and rubber scene to the pup scene to the rope scene: our cultures are distinct.

For example, a very ‘old guard’ way to view things is a leather family. Leather families consisted of (usually) gay men who had come back from war (WW1 and WW2) and joined biker gangs and clubs in America as a way to maintain connections and safety, as being gay was illegal. For my sapphics who were not often welcomed in these male dominated spaces, they created their own clubs (motorcycle or otherwise),leading to the evolution of the modern day term Dykes on Bikes. These groups ended up branching off from the bike clubs to create leather spaces. There are many traditions about ‘earning your leathers’ and so forth, because these men were a family, a club who looked after each other when incarceration, assault or even death was a very real threat.

Obviously, this has evolved to include more than just cis men, as leather women, trans folx and our cishet kinkster cousins have also been encouraged to take up space in traditionally cis male gay leather spaces. Leather families have long been ignored and their contributions erased even though they did undeniable fundraising and charity work as part of the AIDS crisis. The leather community were the unsung heroes of the AIDS crisis in America, and they did not receive the recognition they deserved. For someone’s involvement with leather to be earnest and not appropriative, knowing this culture is important.

Jorge Vieto on behalf of the San Francisco leather community received the Thom Weyand Unsung Hero Award in 2015 from the National AIDS memorial Grove as part of the recognition of this. Much like our lesbians who did more to take care of the AIDS victims than any other group but do not receive the appropriate recognition they deserve. 2015 The HIV Story Project and the National AIDS Memorial Grove teamed up for JOINING FORCES, SURVIVING VOICES and interviewed Queen Cougar, Ms. San Francisco Leather 1993 to talk about this and the leather community being unsung heroes in the AIDS crisis in America.

The leather community were the unsung heroes of the AIDS crisis in America, and they did not receive the recognition they deserved.

So with all this history and culture that I have gleefully steeped myself in since a tweenager, you can imagine I take a great amount of pride in my identity as a kinkster. It's a huge part of who I am, and the tradition of community care in kink culture–especially in queer kink culture which is so often at the front leading the way–is more than just a quirky part of my personality. Kink is my identity. It is an integral part of who I am as a person. Being a fetish performer turned full service worker and pro Dom, the kink game is more than just a fun time. It gave me community, family, and safety, and educated me on communication methods, consent, feminism, sexual health, queer history, boundaries, self respect, compassion and empathy. It is as much a part of who I am as a person as is the fact that I am trans or queer. I cannot—will not—choose not to be a kinkster.

I love that kink in all its forms is becoming more accessible to people. I love that it was finally taken off the list of ‘sexual deviance’ (now called "paraphilia" or "paraphilic disorder”) in the APA Diagnostic Manual, in 2010. Homosexuality was removed from the list of paraphilias in 1973; however, it is still illegal in Australia (where I am based) to engage in any act of sadomasochism, regardless of consent. Specifically, it is deemed that a person is unable to consent to any kind of bodily harm, regardless of the circumstances. Which means you can absolutely still lose your job for being a kinkster. You can absolutely still lose custody of your children for being a kinkster. Much like being a sex worker, there are real-world social and legal consequences if you are ‘outed’. Unfortunately I have been involved in as well as witnessed some of these consequences, and it can destroy lives.

Kink is my identity. It is an integral part of who I am as a person.

So why on earth do people think it is ok to perform up on stage or in the strip club with absolutely no research into the current legal ramifications, culture, or history of kink? Neither my identity nor my job are fun costumes you can put on for laughs or to make a quick buck or because you think it’s cool, only to take it off again. Unfortunately, the reality is that when performers and workers are not doing appropriate research, they can very easily hurt themselves or others,  all while upholding the damaging and false stereotypes of kink that continue to harm us. 

By all means, if you're interested PLEASE come hang with us! This is not a mean girl's situation, but a plea to do your due diligence. Learn about it. It is so easy to look up information; there are plenty of documentaries and websites and social media pages dedicated to the history of kink. The Leather Archives are a great place to start for both written information and youtube documentaries.There are so many incredible books (and audiobook versions) such as The New Little Book of Topping/Bottoming or podcasts such as The Padded Lounge. There are hundreds of us kinksters online happy to provide resources and teach you. Please do be careful when taking your kink education from online ‘influencers’. Not everyone is going to have the same values and ethics regarding their kink–so do further research–but they can absolutely be a great place to start! There are always munches and social events and workshops being taught by your local kink community. You can find them on fetlife.com or via social media pages/groups.

Even if you decide you don’t actually want to engage in kink outside of your performance, you will at least have gained knowledge that will only improve your act! You’ll be able to move away from tired tropes, stereotypes, and misinformation, and towards something better and brighter for yourself, your audience and us, the kink community. Our community is so accepting of new people; we adore meeting newbies and baby kinksters and getting to share all this cool stuff with you! We want you to meet as many people and learn as much as you can from the wider kink community. We want you to love it as much as we do! Kink is not a costume. It's a community, and we can’t wait for you to step into it.

Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!

We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨