How to Please Your Lover on T

Editor’s Note: passing mentions of sexual violence

You might have read a previous article I wrote about what happens when an Assigned Female at Birth (AFAB) person takes testosterone for Gender Affirming Hormone Replacement Therapy (GAHT). This article, called What Happened to My Dick When I Took T, stemmed from a special interest in the effects of testosterone GAHT on pleasure. I learned a lot of things when exploring this topic from peer reviewed research, blog posts, trans healthcare organizations, and personal stories from trans people.

When I began this project, I was primarily interested in ways trans people could have more fulfilling sex, and especially how to reach cisgender people who want to have sex with us. In my experience, even when a cis person is really excited to sleep with me, there are some common mistakes they might make that end up not feeling great for me in bed, both physically and emotionally. I posited that this experience was not unique to me, and when I’ve talked with friends and survey participants, this was confirmed. That alone seemed like a good reason to get the word out there, so here I am, begging you to read this if you’ve ever had, ever wanted to have, or ever think you might want to have sex with someone on T.

When asked, “What do you wish people knew about T and having sex with people who have taken it?” there was an overwhelming majority of participants who shared similar responses.  Three main themes emerged from these answers: firstly, the importance of communication; secondly, the role of change; and third, the need for gentle approaches.

The importance of communication may seem obvious, but it’s often overlooked. One of my many gigs is as a sex educator, so I love talking to people about how to have more fulfilling sex. When doing so, I often find a surprisingly large number of people are uncomfortable talking about sex openly, including with people they are having sex with! Reasons range from lack of experience talking openly about sex, embarrassment about desires, shame from religious or cultural upbringings, and beliefs that people shouldn’t have to talk about what they like, and their partners should “just know.”

Regardless of the reasons, I can promise you one thing—the sex you have without communication is always going to be worse than the sex you could have if you communicated. Some people might not like that statement, and if that’s you, I’d imagine you’re holding onto one or more of those reasons I listed about discomfort. If you find yourself reacting negatively, I encourage you to consider why you prefer to not talk about sex, how it’s serving you, and what is holding you back from communicating openly? If all three of your answers are that your experience of sex is consistently better for you without communication, then carry on—but I doubt it. 

When I began this project, I was primarily interested in ways trans people could have more fulfilling sex, and especially how to reach cisgender people who want to have sex with us.

Pleasure tends to go in tandem with good communication, de-centering penetration, changing up your sex script and incorporating more outercourse. The importance of talking to whomever you’re going to have sex with about how they like to have sex is true regardless of gender. However, this is extra important for trans people. Trans people who are undergoing GAHT are frequently changing, and their experiences of what feels good may continue to shift and evolve with time. This is an extra reminder that just because something feels good one day, doesn’t mean you should assume that it will work the next time!

Another reason it is extra important to talk to trans people about how they want to have sex, is that trans people are also disproportionally impacted by sexual violence. Survivors of sexual violence may have various triggers related to sex that you won’t know without asking. This is not to say that any survivor of sexual violence is obligated to disclose this information: however, if they would like to that information can be helpful in figuring out ways to make them feel safe and secure during sex. Pleasure can rarely be experienced without both.

People say that change is the only constant, and that is especially true for trans people taking T. Changes are happening physiologically and psychologically, they are happening at different speeds, and they are continuous. Participants spoke not only about the ways changes happened to them, but how change was an ongoing process that left a lot of unknowns in the air.

When someone starts taking T, they can expect a variety of possible changes, but can’t predict with any certainty which combination of outcomes they’ll experience. Similarly, we can’t predict the timeline of those changes. Some people experience a lot of physical changes that aren’t clearly noticeable to others, whereas others may experience a lot of visible changes, while not feeling much difference in the sensations of those body parts. Participants spoke of the need for patience and curiosity through this process, both for themselves and from their sexual partners, who might be experiencing these changes alongside them.

People say that change is the only constant, and that is especially true for trans people taking T.

Finally, the need for gentle approaches was shared by almost every participant in the study. This could mean gentle approaches to multiple aspects of sex, but it primarily focused on one. In my experience, cisgender men who have had fantasies about hooking up with a transmasculine person (or androgynous person on T) often are really excited about one thing in particular—the T-cock. Believe me, I get it—they’re hot! But with all of that enthusiasm and fantasies fueling the idea of what great sex will look like with said T-cock, there can be some missteps.

Many people in the study reported having bad sexual experiences with people who were too rough with their genitals, specifically the exalted T-cock. In their excitement to suck, lick, and give pleasure, the person who did not have personal experience taking T was often too rough or pointed with their touch. This can be overstimulating to some, a turn off to others, and downright painful to many, especially if this person is within the first three to six months on T, when the most significant growth period is happening. 

I know this advice might be frustrating to some, because there isn’t a simple formula to follow. Our media loves to present sex advice like a get rich quick scheme, where you just need to follow a few steps to get it right every time (those are fake too by the way). But the reality is that approaching sex this way will probably fail you. No two bodies are the same, and as I often like to say, there are a million and one ways to have great sex, and they’re all valid. What’s most important is that you are engaging in a mutually satisfying experience with whomever you’re having sex with. That necessitates understanding them and their desires. 

If you’re still looking for quick tips, the following list is the best I can do for you, but take it all with a grain of salt, meaning always ask your partner what they think first!

Oran’s “Quick Tips” for Great Sex with someone on T:

Ask!

• How they like their body parts to be referred to, then use that language.
• How they like to be touched, get as much detail as they’re willing to share, then do those things.
• Either/Or questions, i.e. do you prefer firm or gentle pressure?

Establish!

• Clearly that you welcome feedback and want to hear what does or doesn’t feel good, then follow through on that feedback graciously. Don’t make assumptions about what someone might like, even if they liked it once before.
• Safer sex practices before getting into bed (or wherever you’re having sex) so everyone can share their boundaries with a cool head and not be swayed by hornyness, then follow through.

Use!

• Lots of lubrication that works well for their body, especially if exploring penetration. Re-apply generously. If you add too much, they can always wipe it away, but too little can lead to pain. Start with gentle pressure and apply more as desired by the receiver, back off again if it becomes too much.

Respect!

• All boundaries shared with you, about where someone does or doesn’t want to be touched (Yes, even if you’re really into that body part). Don’t get complacent with your techniques and trust that change will occur.

For more on trans sex, see these articles: Reconnecting With My Body Through T4T Sex and The Revolution Starts at Home - T4T Live Sex Show.

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