How I Say "No" Without Explanation Or Apology

I wanted to talk about how difficult it can be for some of us to say “no”. This is true in life in general, but perhaps most of all in our work. Knowing when something exceeds our boundaries is essential in our profession. Yet being comfortable refusing is not always a given. Saying “no” is not something we are all naturally born knowing how to do. It is something we learn.

How easy we find it to say “no” depends on many factors: our past socialisation, our personality, the specific situation, what is at stake and sometimes simply how we feel that day.

I wouldn’t say I am the best at establishing boundaries, but if there is one thing this job has taught me, it is the importance of determining your own limits. Perhaps even more importantly, it has taught me that those limits are never static. They will be challenged, whether by others or by ourselves. And we should never take them or our ability to honour them for granted.

When I talk about saying no, I mean saying no to certain acts or services during a booking. Being comfortable defining not only the things we enjoy and like, but also the things we may not do. The things we want to do. The things we are willing to try. Soft limits and hard limits. This takes practice. Actually, more than that, sometimes it takes saying “yes.”

Knowing when something exceeds our boundaries is essential in our profession.

For me, learning my boundaries has often meant trying things out and occasionally discovering the hard way that something was a no-go zone for me. As someone who tends to be open-minded, someone who likes to try almost everything twice, as I often joke, figuring out where my boundaries lie has sometimes meant deliberately pushing them, and other times simply agreeing with a naïve “why not?”

But saying no is not only about acts during a booking. It is also about saying no to work altogether. As independent escorts, or self-employed professionals, freelancers, whatever we choose to call ourselves, we know all too well that work is never guaranteed. There are periods of abundance when enquiries keep coming and others when our inboxes are as dry as the Sahara.

In those moments, it can be tempting to accept every enquiry we receive. We may worry that this booking could be the last one for a while.

So how do we know when to pause? When to say “not today”, even when we needed the money yesterday?

Learning my boundaries has often meant trying things out and occasionally discovering the hard way that something was a no-go zone for me.

Don’t get me wrong: I know it is easier for some of us to turn down clients than for others. Some people have a financial cushion, confidence or a support network. Others may not have the luxury of refusing work at all because the consequences of doing so could be devastatingly real.

This is not a piece that tells you to always prioritise “self-care” above everything else. Instead, it is about recognising those moments where you actually could say no, when saying no would not be catastrophic, yet perhaps out of fear, perhaps out of habit, you don’t. 

Since I know that my reluctance to say no is likely to be financial, I use a simple system.

I set myself a monthly target: the amount I need to earn in order to cover my essential expenses. Then I set a second, higher target, the ideal amount, which covers non-essential but desired things. It is important to set these targets before you are faced with the choice of turning down work or not. I set mine on the first of each month.

I have made a pact with myself that once I reach the first target, I no longer need to take on additional work. Anything beyond that is optional—a bonus. Something that should only happen if I genuinely have the time and the energy for it, and I should under no circumstance bend over backwards to take it on.

Don’t get me wrong: I know it is easier for some of us to turn down clients than for others.

Once I reach the second target, I try not to take on more work at all. Pushing beyond that point usually means exhausting myself unnecessarily and potentially jeopardising my mental and physical health. Even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, it accumulates.

If I don’t trust myself to hold my own boundaries, I hold myself accountable by asking for help. I reach out to friends and let them know. Sometimes I ask them to remind me of this plan, if they hear me take on additional work, or simply prompt me to ask myself  “is this necessary?” 

When the reason for not saying no is something else: not wanting to disappoint a client, wanting to maintain a connection, or feeling like an opportunity is too rare to miss, I try a different strategy.

Instead of immediately saying “yes”, I say: “I would love to, but what about another time?”

It leaves the door open and gives me space to think. It reminds me that I am allowed to decide later—reminding the other person (and myself) that I am in control. One of the perks of working independently is agency, and decision-making power over my own schedule and who I decide to see, when, and how. Trying to not give in to unnecessary stress, whether it comes from someone else’s schedule or desires means keeping hold of that agency. 

If I don’t trust myself to hold my own boundaries, I hold myself accountable by asking for help.

If there is no third-party boss profiting off my earnings, then neither will my clients, nor my anxiety either.

Learning how to say no isn’t just about avoiding harm or hurt, it is also about discovering yourself and finding what actually makes you feel good. By learning how to set boundaries, I have also learned when to let go, and this has led me to some fantastic discoveries about my desires and more.

Originally, I wanted to write a piece about boundaries. But as I write this, I realise that saying “no” is just as much about curiosity, experimentation and being open to new experiences.

Learning to say no comes after having first learned when and why we say “yes”.

For more articles and information on sex work and boundaries, see What's Your Real Name? and Sex work and Boundaries.

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