Finding Small Joys in a Stigmatized Life

There's been very little research done into how sex workers experience joy or sexual pleasure, both on and off the job. Instead feminist theory has us locked in this weird, heated debate over the subject of women's participation in the sex industry. This completely ignores the various identities in which sex workers hold—and focuses on whether sex workers are actually empowered by their work, or inherently exploited and coerced. In more recent years, the goal of the sex workers’ rights movement has been to disassociate from this debate, and focus in on sex work as a profession. 

Now while you might still find a firefighter sexy after a long day's work, they probably don’t feel very sexy themselves. Equally, we may look very sexy in a corset, but it is a work uniform of sorts. Our outfits aren’t necessarily what we feel the most sexy in ourselves, but what our clients are looking for. 

Advocates are right: sex work is just like any other form of labor, and has very real economic motivators behind it. However, less understood are the ways in which we find joy within this work—the conversations on pleasure, or sexual relationships, and the insights—even the small joys you find in the things you do, are often rejected. 

Less understood are the ways in which we find joy within this work...

As current and former sex workers know, sex work is complicated, related yet entirely different to that of other service or hospitality jobs. 

For starters, pleasure can be an aspect of work. Sex work itself presents the opportunity to explore sexual pleasure liberated from emotional attachment and certain expectations that come from sexual relationships outside of work. It can present an opportunity—to learn with your clients about what you love about sex and sexuality, and relax. You might even learn how lovely some clients can be, as you explore your own pleasure, or the nuances of emotional intimacy. We’re past the argument that brothels are “feminist bootcamps” and that sex alone is our key to liberation, but exploring sexual experiences and finding joy in them is just one of the ways to keep up with the exhaustion that often comes with such a stigmatized job. 

There are the typical ways in which we find joy, making sure we set aside time for things that bring peace: a walk in nature, a favorite song, a warm drink, journaling, etc. Many sex workers find joy in taking control of their choices and income, and find much needed wins in the small aspects of such a job. To echo the words of the great Audre Lorde, self-care is a form of political warfare against systemic exhaustion. Self-care isn’t just relaxation; it’s about preservation and resistance. It’s about celebrating a safe session, or a new skill learned, or a boundary respected with a client that affirms your autonomy and self-worth. It’s finding joy in a safe ride home, or a good meal, or learning something new about yourself.

It can present an opportunity—to learn with your clients about what you love about sex and sexuality...

It’s about learning and appreciating the aspects of the job that are fun and exciting, and rejecting the idea that it is nothing more than “back-breaking manual labor” (pun intended). It’s finding a client physically attractive and laughing with your friends about how hot they are. Or equally finding one that you aren’t necessarily attracted to, but learning a new form of care or gentleness. You can learn so many new things about yourself and your own sexual identity, or figure out the different boundaries you have with sex—work or otherwise. Everyone’s approach is different—you might navigate intimacy and emotional connection within sex work, or find yourself exploring sex and pleasure because of the lack of expectation or connection.

Stigma often makes us feel like we need to create cold, clinical approaches to feel ok within sex work, that we must avoid all sexual pleasure or desire while at work. But it is not shameful to find joy in your work, and in my opinion it’s necessary to find it where you can, in whatever way feels best to you. It’s complex, and boundaries are often shifting. One may have a no-touch rule as a stripper, for example, but engage in lapdances or more physically intimate affairs if they find a client sexually attractive, or find it worth the money offered. One may develop feelings for a client and develop a relationship outside of work.

It’s not acknowledging the messiness and complexity of humanity, and messy feelings around bodies and pleasure that can close us off. Or lead us to feeling even more stigmatized. No one's experience is universally right or wrong, safe or unsafe, empowering or exploitative. When it comes to your own feelings surrounding sex work, they are yours alone.

For more on joy and pleasure for sex workers, see The Importance of Pleasure for Sex Workers and Love and Support With My Sex Work Comrades.

Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!

We started the tryst.link sex worker blog to help amplify those who aren't handed the mic and bring attention to the issues ya'll care about the most. Got a tale to tell? 👇☂️✨