Dominating Femmes - Why I Wish There Were More Femme Clients

Editor’s note: mentions homophobia

I was a teenager in the 2000s in the UK. This was an odd time for sexuality as we were slowly starting to shirk off the punitive shackles of Section 21 (a ruling by Margaret Thatcher that outlawed any discussion of queerness in schools) and were thrown into an odd version of hyper sexuality as a way of trying to rebel against it. ‘Ladette’ culture was encouraging women to treat sex casually the way many men had, and we could not escape nudity and sexuality in everything from tabloid newspapers to perfume ads.

A particularly impactful form of media at that time were music videos. We still had music channels and later the beginning of YouTube, where we could seek out these high budget forms of our favourite music. There were two that I think every closet queer girlie will remember, ‘All the Things She Said’, by tATu, a supposed Russian lesbian pop duo singing about their love for each other and making out in the rain, and Benny Benassi’s 'Satisfaction’, an iconic house track with a visual array of hyper feminine, curvaceous, and nearly naked women using power tools. I remember watching these two videos for the first time and thinking ‘Oh dear, I don't think I'm straight’.

I say this, because despite sexuality being shoved down our throats, homophobia was still very real and ever present. Despite not even being sexually active in any way at that time, I was branded a ‘lesbian’ at school, and this really added an extra layer to the social exclusion and bullying that a lot of us experienced.

Despite sexuality being shoved down our throats, homophobia was still very real and ever present.

Yet, my love and desire for femmes knew no bounds, and I would pursue it any time I wasn't in my horrible, small minded Midlands town. I would go to gigs with my closest friends where I finally got to kiss these beautiful, ethereal creatures I idolised, and no one on Monday morning at school had to know. It is a testimony to human desire that at a time I was going through the worst period of my life due to my school being an abusive environment, I still had the urge to explore chemistry, sexuality, and intimacy with the people I desired the most.

So it may come as no surprise that when I was finally able to escape that Midlands town my love for femmes became a well known fact by everyone that knew me. Being able to embrace my sexuality and freedom was life changing, and living in London, I had plenty of opportunities to do so.

It was in London that I got my first look into BDSM and the rich culture surrounding it in the city. I had a somewhat chaotic life when I first appeared there at 18, and that meant I crossed paths with many unique people, including sex workers and kinksters, who later became close friends. After my first experience at a play party, another Pandora's box of desire was opened that existed at the same level as my adoration of femme women, and it was now my dream to entwine the two.

London in the early 2010s was as heady and intoxicating as it's been described as. Soho particularly was the epicentre of over indulgence in pleasures, from easily accessible substances and alcohol, visible and open sex work, to Queer clubs open til sunrise. It was a cornucopia of pleasure I regularly indulged in and it shaped my sexuality and views on sex, sex work, pleasure and queerness that I have today.

The London kink scene was exceptionally diverse, in terms of peoples, heritage, nationalities, gender expression, sexuality, body types, and more. I was lucky enough to play with many beautiful femmes at places like Klub Verboten, Torture Garden, and all the private parties littered across the city. However, there were very few FLINTA (female, lesbian, intersex, non-binary, trans and agender) only spaces and it wasn't uncommon to have a scene ruined by a renegade cis man gatecrashing at these events. As such it always felt women and femmes could never really ‘let go’ in the way we wanted.

The London kink scene was exceptionally diverse, in terms of peoples, heritage, nationalities, gender expression, sexuality, body types, and more.

I moved to The Netherlands in 2024 and threw myself into the thriving queer scene to try and ‘build my village’. I was extremely lucky to meet someone who I now call a close friend, and it was she who introduced me to a FLINTA only play party called Fight Club. It sounded like a utopia to my little queer ears and on arriving I realised it really was everything I had hoped it would be. It was the first place I got to Domme femmes in a FLINTA only space.

Dominating women and femmes is such a different experience, for me, for so many reasons. For one, the chemistry is so much more palpable and the psychological aspect of it so much more intricate, which makes it so much more fulfilling for me. 

Another is that you often can't rely on brute force as a way of domination as, beyond the physical issue, many women do not respond to this. We are so used to patriarchal society trying to dominate us in the outside world in this way that most women are either highly resistant to this or have very cunning ways to ‘brat’ against it.

I've always found femme subs far more playful and responsive than masculine partners. There is much more active feedback between Domme and sub, the aforementioned bratting being a favourite genre of sub of which the majority, in my experience, are women. This pushes me to improve and build upon my skills as a Domme and not fall back on easy tried and tested scripts that I would use when Dominating men.

Dominating women and femmes is such a different experience, for me, for so many reasons.

The overall eroticism of the exchange is something I can never replicate with male partners as it seems to me, in my experience, that women and femmes put so much more thought into all of their erotic exchanges, vanilla or kink. As a woman myself that's often what sets an experience apart for me and ‘pushes me over the edge’.

I took the leap to move into sex work full time towards the end of the pandemic, as my career in the film industry came to an abrupt end when the UK film industry imploded. When it comes to professional Dominatrix work, the clientele have always been very stubbornly male. I enjoy my job and my clients, but it does not fulfil me in the same way playing with femmes does, and that's ok. 

That's why there will always be room in my private life for kink, play parties and private experiences with other women. I'm grateful for the fact these spaces now exist where I live, and that I live in a time and place where I can be my openly queer self. It's very easy, as a sex worker, to be so ‘touched out’ from working in the erotic that you don't make time for your own sexuality in your private life, but let this post be a sign to always make time for yourself. Your own sexuality is an important part of your identity and you deserve to be as fulfilled as any of your clients are. So book that date, Google that party, or text that girl you've too shy to ask out. I promise you it'll be worth it.

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