Coping with Burnout: What a Break From Sex Work Taught Me

I started sex work years ago, but had not had a break until recently – and this made it impossible to really tell how sex work impacted my relationship with my sexuality and desire.

I started selling nudes because I loved taking nudes and having that experience of myself, but as time went on, that experience grew and changed. Things I used to do for my own pleasure became chores and I made choices about my body based on marketability. I struggled with my personal sex life, and often think to myself, “men pay to tell me that my pussy is pretty, so why am I over here feeling insecure? Why can’t the guy I’m dating love my pussy that much?” I don’t think I’ll ever fully detangle how sex work, and the burn out that can accompany it, has changed my perception of myself.

Earlier this year, I was burnt out in a very severe way that I'm still recovering from. I had to take a break from sex work. Between my vanilla day job, sex work, classes, and the extra things I had to do to survive under capitalism, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I stopped updating my OnlyFans for the first time in two years and stopped logging into my escorting ads. I lost interest in making new customs or advertising at all. I didn’t log into the-social-media-site-formerly-known-as-Twitter for weeks.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully detangle how sex work, and the burn out that can accompany it, has changed my perception of myself.

Not updating OnlyFans or my online presence had terrified me in the past. It felt potentially catastrophic and like I might lose everything I’d worked for. What actually happened was: nothing. No one got mad at me, I still gained new subscribers, and I felt like I was finally starting to create space for myself to recover.

During my break, I noticed my libido was lower and I felt less desirable. I suspected at first that this was simply due to my exhaustion. Slowly, as I began having space for desire and sex again, I realized that sex work actually does make me feel sexy and desirable and increases my libido. I feel embarrassed to admit this, but I feel incredibly pleased when someone is paying me to orgasm while they tell me how hot I am. This is part of my life, it's okay to admit this, and to even revel in it. Capitalism strips us of so many forms of pleasure, I’ll take what I can get. It’s still my pleasure.

Still, I have felt guilt for enjoying sex work. As a woman, I’ve been trained to avoid admitting my needs or desires; thus I feel bad about the pleasure I feel receiving validation and praise, especially during something that is supposed to be work. I had a full service booking recently where, when we started, the man just wanted to stare at my spread pussy for a few minutes and compliment me. It made me feel really good about myself, but with that positive feeling came all the shame that comes from seeing myself as self-indulgent. Men will say things like “sex work is so easy” or “I wish I could just sell tit pics”, and I become afraid that by sometimes enjoying my work, I am validating that perception. However, it’s not actually on me to fix misogyny or control men’s perception of me or this job.

Capitalism strips us of so many forms of pleasure, I’ll take what I can get. It’s still my pleasure.

With regards to how sex work impacts my libido, there's this strange experience I often have when I'm filming something. While acting like I'm horny, I become horny. Fucking my own tits with a dildo isn't actually hot to me, but while doing it and moaning, I found myself turned on. When I’m acting like I am sexy, I begin to believe it.

In July, I filmed content with a friend for the first time in five months. I paid attention to my feelings about myself during that shoot and while editing the footage. “Look at this, our bodies are art, our bodies are beautiful,” I said while recording, and I meant it. My body is not considered conventionally attractive. I’m fat. I have scars. I have body hair. Recording content gives me an outlet to engage with my sexuality and myself as a desirable person and to relate to my body in new ways. These days, I find myself not deleting photos I would have normally considered unflattering.

I realize now that I held myself to impossibly high standards for my content creation. I posted every single day for two years and was constantly trying to come up with new and creative ideas. This level of creation and consistency wasn’t actually necessary, and there were months while on hiatus, I still made as much revenue as when I was posting every day. When I’m creating that much content, I don’t have the time to actually admire it or sit with how I feel about myself and what I’m producing.

Recording content gives me an outlet to engage with my sexuality and myself as a desirable person and to relate to my body in new ways.

I wonder now how I can create room in my life for this kind of exploration with myself and my sexuality outside of sex work. It’s a hard endeavor in late stage capitalism, when everything we do must be commodified. It feels like a waste to take nudes and to not profit from them or to masturbate and not record it. I’m more motivated to try new toys and to put on lingerie I feel good in, when I’m getting paid. Should I simply embrace that my sexuality will always be tied into how I make money and that within our lives there is simply not enough capacity to explore every facet of ourselves? Is it possible to envision my sexuality within a liberatory context and to try to embrace that ideal? Selling nudes for strike funds doesn’t seem to be good enough praxis. Only orgasming when I’m being paid feels a little hollow, but I also know that we can only do so much.

At the very least, I have learned that taking a break is okay and that sex work does enrich my life in a multitude of ways. I am still being gentle with myself in my expectations and commitments. I hope we can all learn to give ourselves grace and to experience pleasure in whatever forms it comes into our lives.

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