Are Your Clients Gross?

When asking me about my job as a sex worker, people are often vocal about how they could never do that. Incredible news for them: truly no one is asking them to apply. Despite their disinterest in doing the job they are still intrigued by the fact that I do the job, and they often are hung up on a particular inquiry: are my clients gross? And if so, how can I possibly be sexual with them? A lot of people can’t get past the idea of being sexual with someone they are not attracted to, and you know what? Fair enough! Sex work is not for them. But people have a hard time seeing beyond their personal boundaries, biases and lifestyle choices when it comes to sex work. If they find it unfathomable, how do sex workers not?!

When asking me about my job as a sex worker, people are often vocal about how they could never do that. Incredible news for them: truly no one is asking them to apply.

First, and you’re never going to believe this, but not everyone experiences things the same way. Personally, I simply do not find feigning sexual attraction to be a revolting or even difficult task, and it’s one I’m more than happy to do for money. I recently saw the movie Poor Things, a strikingly beautiful and outrageously funny film that at one point shows the main character having sex for money with multiple men, many of whom are what one might categorize as ‘gross.’ I noticed that most of the audience members around me couldn’t contain their disgust and were audibly groaning at the sight of these unfit men thrusting into this beautiful woman. I also noticed that I did not at all have the same reaction. It just makes sense to me! You need money? Have sex with that wrinkly old man. It’s worth it! All labor requires doing work and is usually something you wouldn’t do for free. Most people with vanilla jobs wouldn’t punch numbers into a spreadsheet all day for the love of the game, but doing it for money makes sense to them. For me personally, sitting at a desk all day sounds worse than being intimate with someone who’s old enough to be my grandfather. Sex work is simply how I prefer to make a living in a world that forces me to work in order to survive.

The world is full of people, and many of them are annoying or gross, or weird, among many other things. Anyone who has worked in the service industry – from sex workers, to baristas, to retail workers – can tell you that doing our jobs do sometimes entail dealing with people who you quite literally have to be paid to tolerate. Most, but not all, of my clients are cishet men, a demographic that doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to being pleasant. Naturally, I have had strip club customers who say rude, misogynistic things, and I’ve met with clients who are not my type, to put it gently. But I do think the average civilian would be surprised by how many genuinely pleasant interactions and connections I have with my clientele. I spend intimate time with my clients, and even though they often annoy the hell out of me, I still care for them in a way, and the experience that I create for them. It is, after all, my work, and I take pride in it.

I do think the average civilian would be surprised by how many genuinely pleasant interactions and connections I have with my clientele.

All of this isn’t to say that I think clients need a round of applause for just not being gross. Sex workers experience a horrifying amount of violence, overwhelmingly at the hands of cis men, and it is so much more than gross. Constantly being asked if my clients are gross or if I feel icky after having to engage in sexual activity with them doesn’t irk me in the sense that I’m offended for my clients, it bothers me that civilians are so stuck on labeling sex worker’s labor as something disgusting and dirty. Because at the end of the day, the same people asking me how I don’t get grossed out by having sex with unattractive men have likely fucked someone equally unattractive for free. The world is full of nasty men, I know some of y’all are having sex with them on the house.

If you really are concerned with how horrible men treat sex workers, then get involved in the movement for decriminalization! You can think sex work is dirty all day long, but your judgement won’t save us. Decrminializing sex work is the real way to minimize the violence against sex workers. Harm reduction. The stigma that comes with criminalization – and with civilians’ attitude about sex work being gross – is what leads our clients feeling as if they can be nasty and violent towards us, and get away with it, because no one will care.

All of this isn’t to say that I think clients need a round of applause for just not being gross.

Sex work is work. Having sex with someone for money is work. Every time is the same but different. It’s a task, it’s a job, it’s a living, and it’s what I’m good at. Sex is my expertise, and making people believe I’m having the time of my life is my specialty. I enjoy being good at my job. A therapist might not love you, but enjoys working with you because they enjoy the work. It’s an intimate experience that doesn’t require love, but benefits from care, and knowing they enriched and maybe bettered your life is a rewarding experience. As a sex worker, I have a similar relationship with my clients. I may not be in love with them or find them attractive, but I enjoy providing my services for them.

At the end of the day, you should let sex workers complain on their terms. If we want to vent about our clients – just like many people in other industries do – let us take the lead. If we want to tell you about a gross experience, we will. You don’t need to ask us about it, because even if it’s not your intention, it comes off as judgemental and demeaning. And maybe ask yourself why you’re so obsessed with hearing about sex workers having a bad time. Food for thought!

Are you a sex worker with a story, opinion, news, or tips to share? We'd love to hear from you!

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