A Tryst With Paris Dominatrix Domina M

Thanks for joining us again for our sex worker interview series, 'A Tryst With'. We're speaking with Paris Dominatrix Domina M about being a goth, building a dungeon, and powerful drag queens.

Can you tell us your ‘origin story’ as a dominatrix? 

Nobody believes this, or wants to believe this, but I used to be quite the nerdy goth girl. I read A. N. Roquelaure's (Anne Rice’s) Beauty Series before I had even had a first kiss. Growing up in Northern Nevada, there was a heavy influence from the San Francisco goth scene, which was intimately intertwined with the kink scene. Kink was never something that exotic for me. It was more like, "Welcome to being a goth: here's your boots, leather jacket, Siouxsie and the Banshees LP, and let's cope with the existential dread by using some hot wax."

Making the transition to a professional was, of course, monetarily motivated. In America, individuals are responsible for paying for their own university education. After years of juggling multiple jobs and part-time school, I needed a job that fit around my school schedule and covered all my expenses. I'd read the books and played in my personal life, so why not? I invented my own "Leather Scholarship" program. The year was 1997, and Eros-Guide had just started. BDSM ads were $25 a month, with the first month free, and the Bay Area's first tech boom was in full force. Geeks who, overnight, had become millionaires "on paper," flooded Reno and Lake Tahoe.

Those things made a fortunate coincidence for an isolated dominatrix, but I was terrible. I had no technical skills, let alone a psychological approach. I was, however, adorable. I was so enthusiastic to play and try new things, and, to be honest, my 23-year-old law-student self was cute as a button. "What? You want me to kick you in the balls? Really? Awesome. . . Now what?" Maybe not a bad experience, but perhaps not the expected dominatrix experience one might seek out.

In 2000, I dropped out of grad school and decided that continuing as a dominatrix allowed me to pursue more artistic and emotionally fulfilling endeavors. I moved to Los Angeles and quickly realized I was out of my depth. There was more to being a professional than just eagerness and being attractive. Fortunately, I found Simone Justice and her dungeon, the Halls of Justice. In fact, the week I met her, she had just graduated with her master's in psychology. My time with Simone was transformative. She not only taught me techniques and skills, but she provided a psychological context.

I could not have asked for a better or stronger foundation in which to build my style and philosophy of domination. I have certainly grown and evolved over the past 25 years, but I owe everything to the bedrock Simone created with me.

Is there something you didn't expect going into the industry? 

I had no idea how much emotional labor and marketing would be involved in the process. I'll admit it. Initially, I thought it would all be cool outfits and throwing a whip. I really wanted to be a bad-ass like Æon Flux. Well, that does happen, but there is a massive amount of humanity and energy exchange. I thought I could schedule 20 hours a week and make a lot of money ‘part-time.’

I needed to learn to balance my work and life, allowing myself some downtime. Honestly, this is a lesson that is slow to learn. Even when I was in New York and had a whole staff booking my appointments, I was taking almost 30 session hours a week. The toll on my mental health was not worth it. Everything, especially the quality of my sessions, suffered as a result.

I am happier, more engaged, and provide much higher-quality sessions when I keep my hours to 10 hours a week or less.

Don't get me started on the admin and marketing work and how surprising that was.

Has your work influenced your sexuality or the way you view sexuality?

BDSM is not as much about transgression as it is about expressing individuality. I don't view anything ‘vanilla’ or ‘traditional’ as wrong, but as a single flavor in a broad spectrum. I find a lot of my job is to reassure and alleviate shame from those whose sexual identities and preferences aren't in the neat boxes expected by society at large.

I find myself continually reviewing the norms and considering how they apply to me, as well. I consider myself very feminine and definitely like to express myself in hyper-feminine ways, such as with my nails, heels, and corsets to accentuate my hips and chest. However, I reject femininity being frail and needy. I'm a cis woman, but I relate most to powerful drag queens.

What has sex work taught you about yourself?

It has come over many years of missteps, learning, relearning, and relearning again, but sex work has taught me so much about healthy boundaries. I consider myself a near expert at approaching interactions in a nonjudgmental way, but I am aware when acceptance turns into boundary pushing.

"This is not an experience I provide," is a practical and compelling phrase I invoke often. It doesn't shame the request, but makes clear it's not something I do.

How do you deal with the emotional and physiological highs and lows of domination? What kinds of aftercare do you provide to yourself?

I am so glad you asked this question. All highs, even the healthiest, have a hangover or a low.

What might surprise you is that after a scene ends, I have my client return to the bathroom to clean up and dress, and then I begin cleaning up and reorganizing the dungeon. As uninteresting as this may sound, this is the ritual that signifies the end of the scene and a return to reality—time to put my feet back on the ground. The rote endeavor of cleaning gives my brain a chance to slow down while I dispel the last of my energy. I transition from the ultra-high-functioning state of flow back into daily life.

I often need to balance out this time with ‘staring at the wall’ time. I used to, literally, sit still and stare at a wall for 20 minutes or so after a scene. These days, Netflix has been so kind as to produce the dumbest, most unstimulating content as a soundtrack to help me settle.

In general, I reboot mentally with meditative exercises such as yin yoga and distance running.

Is there anything that always makes you feel powerful and grounded in your body?

As with yin yoga and other exercises, I like to bring my racing thoughts to a state of peace within my body with physical motion. Music and dancing are a quick and easy way to bring me back to the present. This ritual allows me to focus and actively listen to the sub when they arrive.

Yes, many times, an hour before a session, my dungeon turns into a mini dance floor.

How do you bring your own personality and personal style to your kink work?

My public persona continually evolves to align with who I am, and moves away from what a femdom "should be." It's really just me. I enjoy what I do. It's really too much work to be angry, bitchy, and mean. I prefer to be happy and enjoy each adventure.

You custom built your dungeon. Can you tell us about how you've set up your space?

I've built so many spaces over the decades. It is truly one of the great joys of my occupation. I love thinking about the whole experience—from the smells and sounds, like leather and classical piano, to the comfort of the furniture. It's imperative that the dungeon feels otherworldly, as though you stepped outside of mundane life and into a hidden world. At the same time, I want someone to feel safe and welcomed. The two feelings together can be pleasantly disorienting, and that delights me immensely.

My current location, Studio Xème, is a tiny but mighty space where I've invested heavily in well-crafted, German-engineered pieces that offer numerous configurations and uses. I have been stuck in ruts of doing the same positions and techniques, but the complexity of my equipment constantly challenges and inspires me. I am thrilled with how quickly I can devise new surprises and situations for my returning clients.

Strange as it may sound, a key factor in my equipment choice is comfort, as well as the resilience of its materials to heavy disinfectants. I want my client to be 100% focused on the experience I provide and in the moment. They should never wonder if something is hygienic or be distracted by their knees on a hard surface. All ‘discomfort’ comes from the specific games we have chosen for our time together.

What's a fetish you love to explore with clients? Do you have any fetishes yourself?

Do I have a specific fetish professionally? Is it a cop out to say that my clients' brains are my fetish? For me, every time a new client sits in front of me in my dungeon, it's a new puzzle for me to explore. Few things engage me more than phrases like, "I've never said these things out loud, not even to my psychologist." I take this trust and confidence seriously, treating it with the honor it deserves, but it's also completely intoxicating for me. These thoughts and fantasies will never live outside their heads, just as they imagine them, but interpreting dreams into reality and allowing my client to be seen and understood is such a rush.

Having said that, I love all things bondage, and a little restriction adds the spice that brings out the dish's flavor.

For my personal exploration, I am learning a great deal more about Shibari, Japanese rope bondage, encompassing not only the various ties but also the philosophies and movements. Movement with building restrictions interests me. It's certainly a skill I have yet to master. I believe I can incorporate the philosophies of Shibari, meditative yin yoga, and tantra into a unified school of thought. The feelings complement each other so well. Don't expect a thesis soon. I am enjoying the learning process.

What's one myth about professional BDSM that you'd like to bust?

I cannot stand how kink is portrayed in the general media, closely tying it to severely maladapted individuals, or worse yet, serial killers, or that any fetishist has misdirected trauma and is a danger to themselves and society. Even the mainstream portrayal in Fifty Shades of Grey was the portrayal of Christian's kinkiness as damage that needed to be cured.

Scratch a kinkster, a nerd will bleed. The Venn Diagram of those who use the phrase ‘Dungeon Master’ in the BDSM sense or the D&D sense is almost a solo circle. We're dorks, not threats.

I am encouraged by the current public conversation about neurodivergence, if only to understand how differently people experience the world and process information. I would like to see that applied, say, to someone being tied up and flogged. Instead of thinking, "Oh, that is messed up. Who would want that?", one can comprehend that these rituals serve as a necessary stimulation for this person to reset their brain. It is decidedly less maladaptive if you view BDSM as a bunch of neurodivergent people stimming each other.

Of course, if someone wants to cosplay that we are deviants lurking in the shadows of an underground society, well, my inner goth girl can get behind that.

Tell us about your passions outside of work. What do you like to do when you're off the clock?

I love food and cooking—the whole process of it. Unsurprisingly, Paris boasts the best markets for purchasing ingredients and cooking utensils. Several times a week, regardless of the weather, I walk to one of the outdoor markets to select seasonal produce. I use whatever looks the best and most flavorful to build a menu for the next few days.

Autumn is the ideal time for cooking, as the flavors of late summer and early harvest converge. Everything in my kitchen is a sweet potato, fig, pomegranate something right now. Next month, the winter baking will begin, and everyone in my building will get heaping plates of assorted cookies.

I am not alone in this. Almost all of my dominatrice sisters are food obsessed. There has to be something connecting the mentality of creating a BDSM scene and creating a risotto.

Pro-tip: Next time you are looking for a little present to get your FemDom, consider buying her a gift certificate related to food, whether it's for making or partaking. I'm willing to bet she looks a little perplexed and says, "Huh. How did you know?"

My favourite outfit to work in is: Any combination of leather and retro-styled lingerie.

In the future, I plan to: Spread my mindful Femdom philosophy throughout France and Luxembourg.

The secret to getting to know me is: Reading my website. It's all there.

A historical figure I find inspiring is: Catherine the Great.

My favorite everyday pleasure is: Fancy herbal teas.

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